I gotta put this one in global language for my foreign friends. It's not my native tongue but I'll try my best.
In my previous posts, I shared about my reasons on why I decided to quit alcohol. If google translate failed to be precise, let me go through it really quick. It so happened that I succumbed to deep depression which I could’ve easily combated if only I didn’t count on alcohol. Such depression is mainly caused by recent break-up but variety of life problems also chipped in. As crazy as it sounds, as soon as I stepped into serious existential crisis, my alcoholism shoots up over the scale that I couldn’t control it anymore. Health problems arise but mental health did the most destruction. That morning when I woke up at the floor with my stuff scattered all around together with fucked up messages I sent to my ex, I said, I got enough…time to quit!
The tough part of quitting alcohol which I believe is nothing different with all kind of withdrawals from addiction, is the urge to do it again or just go straight on having relapse unconsciously. On my first 72 hrs of not having ethanol in my system, I tried to bargain to myself like what if I just take it to moderation? I mean quitting is so extreme and I may not be able to do it. But then the other side of my brain started to function a bit more normal and told me that I’ve already been alcoholic for a decade and it all started from being moderate up to being this extremely addicted. Like “am I really that loser already?” What an insult right? Then I went back to my facebook posts and saw how I tried to quit alcohol each year as a new year’s resolution but failed. I mean I’ve been just fooling myself all these times and when I’m gonna be serious about it? It already cost me relationships, career/jobs what else do I want to lose? The only thing that is left for me is my family whom still believes and still has a little respect for me. I still have friends but I’ve been hideous to them not until recently that I finally made it public that they showed support. I gotta redeem myself. I still care about people’s respect but I have to start respecting myself first. So, the first week was really tough and I’m kind of back and forth fighting on my demons who always want me to stick to my destructive habits. Believe it or not, each day is like a paper-thin chance of me not having to at least have sip of alcohol then I will dramatically maneuver till the urge is gone. I feel like I’m in Madmax where water is so scarce that even a sip is already a luxury but no! I should not have even a sip of alcohol and there’s no degree of self-negotiation that will compromise my goal to absolute abstinence to ethanol. I started to establish a tremendous mental toughness to fight the urge and day by day, I’m winning.
When the large chunk of memories of my past relationship are
tied up to my environment and even a tiniest event reminds me of her, the urge
to drink really emerge. (Friends, it may sound cringey to some and some even
find it less masculine or exaggerated but each of us has their own battles and
there’s no deep or shallow reason if the one who’s having it is already in deep
burden in my opinion. I believe there’s a dynamic in people’s personal crisis from
petty to severe which varies in each standards or norms. While some are strong
enough to face their own struggles, some are still weak and I’m ashamed to
admit that I’m one of the latter hence I’m working hard to be strong.) I’m no
longer a child that will always give in to my “id” and I gotta do something
especially in the midst of all the temptations. In my country, we’re not that
accustomed to pubs or certain drinking places. I’m not saying we’re already
that worst in the drinking addiction category but the people drinking are so visible
that you can even see them in your peripheral vision e.g. under the tree, in
front of mini stores and even in your social media walls. To fight these temptations,
I can’t describe enough how hard I’m punishing myself everyday by working out e.g.
cycling, jogging and home workouts (I’ll be hitting the gym soon) until I’m
already gasping for breath. That gasping by the way is probably due to my lack
of exercise for a long time which I know will disappear gradually as I go along
this journey. Then I will go under the sun extensively to let that Vitamin D go
through my system and help repair what alcohol already fucked up. With those
regimen, I feel like oxygen finds its way again to my nervous system much
better and my brain approves what I’m doing. I do that everyday while listening
to Huberman or Goggins to name a few and I go like a well oiled machine.
I would do my house chores after a long day of work (on top of my daily workout) to consume all the energy that I’ve obtained from a minimal carbs that I intake until I’m already fully physically exhausted and my body is begging to rest and sleep. Alcohol has already messed up my sleep pattern but it’s getting back to normal and boy it’s so refreshing. This has been my routine for more than two weeks now and I don’t have a plan to slow down until “I’m me again” or even surpass my former better self.
Consistency and discipline are the only things in question now and whether I’m hungry enough for this change or not is still yet to be answered. But each day is a promise of hope that I always eager to embrace and an opportunity to achieve my goal one step at a time. I gave myself 30 then 60 then 90 up to 365 days to prove to myself that I’m a man of action and I can beat this addiction that one day…I can stand and face people and show them that I made it, I won. I will not relapse and my mind is stronger than my desire. My family is always at my back especially my brother whom I cannot afford to disappoint. He’s my number one supporter and I’ve let him down many times but not this time.
To all who are going through this same crisis and also hungry for change to be a better version of themselves, come brothers and sisters and let’s all win this battle! Let’s keep going! No excuses! No relapse! We can do it!
