I quit vaping and...

That's it! I quit vaping and what else can I say? I have to say something right? Otherwise what good is this blog entry if all it has is that broad title. So here's the story:

I haven't been vaping for more than a month now. At first it was just an economic decision as the little piece of s**t just got more expensive in the Philippines and I thought that's not fair. But then I realized its now a booming industry and the government should profit from it even more. Taxes rose up due to different s*it that both government and business sector agreed to impose but I can clearly see that consumers are the main reasons why additional profit must be obtained by stake holders. People got crazy over this highly addictive habit that demand breaks the supply hence business booms. In the background, cigarette and vape companies are having war but that's none of my concern so let me focus on why I simply quit this vice and its not purely due to financial reasons.

Vaping, as its supporters say is lesser evil than smoking. Cigarette has thousands toxins that enter the body that cause horrible diseases. While I agree to this, I concluded that you cannot pick a poison between these two vices are they are just equally evil. Vape has its fair share of chemicals that enter the body when you inhale it once it becomes aerosol. I'm not an expert and I don't need to identify those chemicals from vape products that mainly affect lungs but I can surely say that this vice in its infancy is still being studied just like cigarette in its humble beginnings. Both are just equally dangerous. Now enough of chemistry and their effects on the user's physiological state and let me state my major and personal reason why I quit vaping. (Drum roll...) Mental health is what made me decide to quit vaping. Chemical imbalance inside the body that affects hormones due to excessive intake of nicotine is what made me quit on this yet another horrible vice that I now officially align with smoking and drinking abuse.

I didn't care much about the foreign objects that enter my lungs as I've been a smoker then vaper for decades now.. But since I quit alcohol, I became very wary of things that will alter my mental state due to hormonal imbalance. If you're not aware yet, vapes are packed with nicotine and nicotine is a nootropic drug. Nootropics, or “smart drugs,” are a class of substances that can boost brain performance. A boost in thinking capability is not a bad thing and I can tolerate that not until I learned that nicotine also affects the dopamine and other hormone release such as norepinephrine and epinephrine. To sum it up, if you become dependent on any addictive agents for your happiness, your tolerance will eventually rise up which later on becomes addiction. Unfortunately, there is no healthy addiction and whether its smoking or vaping, you will be consuming foreign substances that your body is not designed to take. Sure our body will adapt and our immune system will catch up until it cannot take them anymore which eventually will cause our demise. Simply because of our unconscious behavior of chasing that hormonal release to the expense of both of our physical and mental health that we endure the damage our addictions bring to us.

I quit vaping and now I'm happier. Not only that my pockets can breath from the cost of this expensive vice, my lungs also improve its performance during my runs and other physical activities. Alan Watts said that the meaning of life is "just to be alive" but it doesn't mean that we have to settle to that simplicity. There are million reasons to die and since I adopted the "win each day" mantra, I am no longer afraid to die. My goal is to etched my legacy as someone who turned things around in his lifetime and gave zero f*ck to naysayers. With "winning each day" as the main flavor of my everyday life, it certainly will not disappoint me should my final hours knock. The days that I lived that I can vividly remember, uninterrupted by vices that hinder my clarity will certainly satisfy my whole existence. I know this blog is supposed to be just about quitting vaping and I apologize that it ended this way but in totality, the message that I just want to convey is...let's not f*ck our own system with these mind altering instruments and stay away from vices as best as we can. If you haven't quit yet, find your "day one" if today isn't it yet.

Kabi-kabilang sakit ng katawan! Workout pa!

 I just turned 37 last July at maniwala ka o hindi pero I feel like 27 again! I guess lahat ng pagpapagod at diet na pinagagawa ko since nagstop ako uminom e nagbubunga na. Hindi na mabigat ang katawan ko sa umaga at lalong hindi na ko puro negative agad paggising pa lang. I know na medyo paulit-ulit lang yung ibang sinasabi ko about motivation, being strong etc. Pero this journal really helps me a lot lalo na sa trajectory ng goal ko which is to be healthy overall. Maybe unconsciously nauulit-ulit ko yung content and I'll explain that later. Pero in this entry its more on sharing lang talaga about my routine.

In my past posts, I mentioned a bit about my diet which was mainly low carb. I changed that now with intermittent fasting but with a twist. Although madalas ako mag 16:8, I also do 14:10 and even 12:12 minsan. Sa 16:8, depende sa intensity ng workout ko sa umaga, naachieve ko to nang walang hirap. For example, I will run 3 km sa umaga before work or do pull ups, push ups or ab workouts and considered light workouts lang yun for me so bagay sila for 16:8. Note na isa lang sa nabanggit na workouts ang ginagawa ko na more or less 20 mins lang and hindi masyadong nakakapagod at nakakagutom yun so survive ang long hours until mag-end yung fasting. Pero kapag tumakbo ako ng 5-7 km or nag-gym ako sa umaga for 30 mins or more before work, I go for 14:10 or even 12:12 kase grabe na yung naburn na calories na need ko na magreplenish. Sa kinakain ko naman, wala pa din ako masyadong pili. Tipikal na Pinoy meals na puro taba at oil (haha) pero small amount lang then susundutin ko sya ng either boiled eggs or saging na saba or both para satiated na ko until second meal na kung saan dun lang ako nagra-rice. Wala ako pakelam kung anong pagkain since I cook as well and hindi ako fan ng mga kaartehan. Calories in-calories out and I just make sure na sustainable at simple yung meal ko. One thing lang na binago ko ng husto e sugar or sweets. I dont do sugar sa kape ko at all anymore and while I still eat pastries, sobrang konti na lang unlike nung bago pa lang ako nagquit ng alcohol. Kase for some reason, bigla nagspike up yung hilig ko sa matatamis nung di na ako active sa alcohol.

On some rare occasion lalo na pag sobrang ulan at di ako nakapag-gym or nakatakbo, I do 18:6 or even 20:4 fasting. Though kahit kaya ko magfast ng matagal, I choose not to do it often kase during fasting, your body consumes your stored fats but also your muscles. So dahil nagje-gym na ko, sayang naman kung maapektuhan yung muscle gain ko. Kaya tamang 16:8 lang ako to produce keytones na kakain ng fats ko lalo na sa belly area. Then sa hapon when the whole ordeal of fasting is finished for the day, saka ako magwe weight lifting. I have 2 favorite coffee shops na tinatambayan bago magwork out to get my sugar-less brewed coffee para high na high ang energy ko during weight lifting. Sa gym, with new found friends na mostly younger than me feeling young din ako and kuma-catch up ako sa energy nila. Yun nga lang, payback time pagdating ng gabi kase andyan na yung muscle pains.

Nung mga unang weeks ng work out ko, epic yung body pain ko talaga. I would take a bath with warm water to lessen the pain then have my last meal for the day. I take a lot of protein rich food at night pero regardless yun kung anong protein source. Yung iba ayaw nila ng oily and fatty pero binabanatan ko yang mga pagkain na yan sa gabi kung yun lang ang available na mostly e galing sa carinderia. Our body needs fat and cholesterol for testosterone production and I don't care kung magcarry ako ng extra fat kung para naman sa hormone na yun. I often eat raw onions as well para sa testosterone pa din and for muscle repair para sa mga nadamage na tissue.

Sa next morning, mas malala yung body pain pero I get up from bed no problem. No pain, no gain! Although recently aside sa shoulder injury ko na gumagaling na, wala na ko masyadong isyu sa body pain. Di ko alam kung nasanay na ko or sadyang nakapag-adapt na yung katawan ko. Anyway thats how hypertrophy works and muscles at rest is where they grow so gradually, masasanay ka na din.

Everything I mentioned above, lahat yun ay through mental strength. A friend once asked me pano daw maging consistent sa routine tulad ng saken. Sabi ko, train your mind much harder than your body. The reason why I write almost every night along with my reading and listening to bright minds are because, kahit magbuhat ka at magpakamatay ka sa kakawork out, kung ga-munggo lang yung utak mo at ni wala kang fundamentals ng mind strength, nagsasayang ka lang ng pagod. Train your mind by thinking deeply through reflections and gaining knowledge. This right here, etong pagsusulat ko ng blog, this is my form of reflection and kaya minsan nauulit ko yung content ko is because need ko pa syang ire-iterate sa sarili ko bago ko sya totally ma-internalize. My idol David Goggins said, "you have to form a callus in your mind". Hindi sapat na puro nasa palad mo lang yung kalyo ng pagpapagod mo, dapat magkaroon din ng kalyo yung utak mo. So I might sound like a broken record sometime pero each time I reflect on what I've written here, lalo lang nun napupush ako na maging consistent kase its not enough na naisip mo sya, you have to put them into practice. Now if repetition works for you para maimprint sa utak mo yung gusto mong ipatupad sa sarili mo, ulit-ulitin mo lang hanggang maging normal na part na sya ng sistema mo.With that, let's all be resilient! Sasakit ang katawan natin pati mga utak natin pero hindi tayo titigil hanggang yung pain ay magdala ng resulta na hinahangad natin. Keep working!

Alcohol-Free, Month 6: My running shoes are giving up but not me

This morning, I just broke my running record to 10 km for just an hour. Its a beautiful Sunday morning with a weather so forgiving that I didn't mind going on a run a bit late. I didn't even plan to run today coz its my rest day from work and gym and cardio exercises but I woke up a bit cumbersome that I need a release. After checking the temperature and humidity which is not that bad for an 8 am run, I went on to see some action on the road. Now my running shoes are showing signs of wear and tear already so as my knees. While my knees can still endure, I don't think my shoes can still go on for a couple of weeks more so now I'm eyeing for a new and better pair. Anyhow, I went on to a light pace for a supposed 3 km run only to realize that I'm already at 6 km. David Goggins recommended to add more than what you originally set and there I ended up at 10 km. My exhaustion was indescribable but the satisfaction was through the roof. I did it again but I gotta spare myself for a day after this coz my body as well as my shoes are already showing signs of pain. Its not that I'm giving up but I don't wanna over train so I'll catch up with enough rest tomorrow.

While I'm at home enjoying my Spanish lessons, my brother came with lots of food and of course, booze. Its not meant for me as he got our friends with him so I ended up just hanging out with them with my few cups of coffee. I am no longer tempted to alcohol and my circle already respects me for being alcohol free. It doesn't mean though that I'm excused to not chip in to this festivity. I had to sing the most songs in the karaoke coz they enjoy my singing (not to brag). I like that I still get to share something on the table in a non-alcoholic way. I feel like Desmond Doss from "Hacksaw Ridge" movie who received military awards without killing a single human in the battle field. I'm in the "inuman session" laughing with the gang and giving my fair share of tito jokes aside from singing while still not breaking my sobriety. I didn't know it was possible 6 months ago but here I am, still believes and still unbent.

Prior to drinking session, I was already exhausted from running and cleaning the house. I meant to catch some nap when visitors came in earlier than expected so I literally didn't catch a break. Good thing it finished earlier so here I am with the last stretch for the day with my journal. I am already aware that whenever I'm dead tired, my emotions pour in. In the past, drinking alcohol whenever I'm super tired bypasses the melancholic phase and I go straight to sleep. Now that I'm not charged with alcohol, I'm left with a great deal of caffeine in my system, struggling to sleep and playing with memories again. Its not secret that the memories of my ex is still the single most recurring thing in my life right now even its already a year that we've been separated. Its not that I'm not trying my best to forget her but I owe her a lot for all these good things that are happening to me right now. So before you think that it's all negative, that's no longer the case. She's now officially the source of my inspiration to everything I do. I extracted all the good stuff that we shared together and all the lessons she imparted to me which I use as a material for my ongoing recovery. With 6 months into this journey of alcohol sobriety, the clarity is unmatched and the emotions while still attack are not anymore entirely detrimental to my progress unlike in the early months. I battled numerous times (and still am) with the temptation of opening up a communication with her again. Unlike in the early months, I can now win over this temptation easily nowadays and I'm very proud of it. Aside from running and working out, writing is also my secret weapon on this consistency hence my countless letters that I never sent to her. Letters that I thought after couple of months of this life changing journey that I initiated would help me win her back like what I used to do during the early part of our relationship. Instead I just keep them to myself and revisit them from time to time to remind myself that everything I said there aren't just full of sh*t and I'm working my way on fulfilling them (also I no longer intend to win her back so that premise is already irrelevant). Like what she used to say, "Do it for yourself. Its for your own good." and that holds true. I feel like we can be good friends should I initiate communicating with her again and she will be the greatest boost on my cause but I'm still a long way to be someone she might be interested with again. Its not that I'm lacking confidence, I'm just trying to be appropriate. The appropriate thing to do is keep the respect I vowed to give her eternally. That respect, that vow mean not to disrupt her, not to interrupt her with her life. I'm very proud that I'm also achieving that promise.

I'm still not decided which running shoes in the market would be the best to match with my running hunger but I guess I have to wait up until my beloved current ones ultimately gave up. I love these shoes, they are a vital part of my cause and thinking about not being able to be with them in the upcoming runs almost gives me separation anxiety. But you know, we have to move on at some point and time no matter how slow will certainly heals. I might put up these shoes somewhere safe when its time for them to retire but I will never forget them and the days we've been together. Wet and dry, dusty or muddy, these shoes never let me down. As I get stronger and stronger, shoes might come and go as I don't have plans on slowing down on my running habit until maybe I reached my plateau. That would probably be at the time when I can no longer use my legs for strenuous activities due to old age. But what is considered "old"? That's a topic for upcoming entries which I would love to explore. For now, have a great day, have a great life and be sure to drink plenty of water and keep your electrolytes on a right level. Let's run! 

I hurt my shoulder and its pretty bad

My goal for fitness has just intensified after series of rainy days that halted my running routine. I decided to go to the gym and lift weights. Apparently, living in a tropical country has its pros and cons. Its rainy season in the country and unless I want to incorporate swimming in my daily exercise, it wouldnt be too bad but leptospirosis is a thing to be afraid of and I won't dare catching it. While I still run when the weather is good, I also now visit the gym few times a week.

A week ago, my rotator cuff seemed to snap and now I can barely move my left shoulder specially for shoulder workouts. Its really painful and very uncomfy. While I'm pretty resilient and already fell in love with pain, working on a bad shoulder may probably just exacerbate the situation and I don't like that. However, shoulder day should go as planned but less intense means less weights for now for the said muscle group. This is not a new thing and I had this problem almost a decade ago when I was actively lifting weights. I guess muscle memory is really a thing that it even recalled my past injury. Its still a totally satisfying experience and each of my gym session is therapy to my ever improving mental health.

Its now going six months since I abandoned alcohol and I cannot stress enough the significance of this decision which is probably the best I had in my whole existence. I feel like a new person now and each day gets more and more beautiful on this alcohol-free journey. I guess it has something to do with the level of my testosterone that keeps going up due to my new non-sedentary lifestyle matched with right diet and ample amount of rest. Speaking of diet, I just became a fan of intermittent fasting which at first was so hard but determination got me now to this point that 16:8 is just a normal thing. I would consume tons of protein rich foods during my eating window and take low carb but satiating staples. My mom sent me a sack of black rice when she found out I'm on a diet and this rare type of rice really changed the game. Moms know best indeed!

While my sleep is still on a questionable routine, I make sure to maintain 6-7 hrs everyday. I am no longer on a night shift job and so night sleep is now a thing. Though I still do some writing before going to bed so I still go pretty late but I make sure to time it and not be carried away with it as overthinking also triggers sleeplessness. Like what I've mentioned in my previous blogs, I'm working on a short novel and its really damn hard but I commit to finish it no matter how slow plus I am really taking my writing craft very seriously. I love writing and I will surely stick to this true love until I get old. Back to my sleeping stuff, my coffee addiction that mainly contributes to my sleepless nights is now tamed. I consume a lot of decaf instead of the regular coffee. I don't know if its just a placebo as they said that decaf still has caffeine in it but it still put me to sleep anyway so I stick to decaf. My sleeping habit is still a work in progress but its already much better than before.

Its getting late and I have to finish this. I really don't have so much agenda on this entry but unlike the ones that I keep in private, I'm publishing this one and probably more as I aim for much longer social media detox moving forward. I mean few of my socmed contacts (who reads) already found my website and I'd rather share to them through this platform more often as they are the ones who genuinely give a sh*t. I relapsed on my socmed sobriety but I admit its really hard to beat that one so I'll reactivate my socmed from time to time. My mom whom is my number one fan always sends her support whenever she sees my facebook story so I will post FB story once in a while. She's a great proponent of good health and she's getting better and better as she gets old. I want to make her proud all the time that her son is striving to be healthier to be like her whom at her age is still exceptionally agile and active. Ma, I love you and I'll see you soon. Hilutin mo balikat ko!

My alcohol sobriety journey and how running plays a huge role on this ongoing project

As my journey to 100% alcohol-free lifestyle continues, I can only wish that I can sustain it up to my initial 365 days 100% zero alcohol intake then beyond. Let me share how I work to maintain this lifestyle and how running helps me to win each day.

January 2024 when I was diagnosed with fatty liver along with acute gastritis and urinary track infection. I also showed symptoms of gallstones due to excessive fatty foods intake (pares and mami were just too good to ignore during hangover). Despite my medical conditions, I didn't stop my drinking habits. Not until my mental health dwindled to the point that I may not be able to continue life if I keep ignoring its dreadful state. It took me 2 months of constant failure to kick the habit until one day, I finally found a more sustainable solution to "maybe" kick it for good.

If you want to kick something, you use your foot. That's it! All I need to do is use my feet. So I decided to run and that first run attempt in the midst of my withdrawal phase was excruciating that its even painful than break-ups. However, the endorphin, the sudden rush of adrenaline and that unexplainable feeling of joy and fulfillment? I might be hooked up to this activity. So guess what I did the next day. I embarked on another painful run that I started to be concerned about my leg cramps and how I really wished that my bones are made of adamantium coz I felt like they are starting to crack.

With the second day run on the books, I felt like I wanna give up. I started to question if its even worth it. I started to come up with tons of excuses and justification on why should I stop running and why this is not a good idea. I decided to not run on the third day. I said to myself, "I earned this rest" and I may or may not run again the next day. While I was sitting at the same chair where I used to drink alone all the time, the thoughts of drinking came again. I was staring at my table and began to unconsciously imagine the ice cold, sparkling golden liquid that Egyptians introduced to the world along with the pyramids. Im thinking about beer again! Holy smokes and I'm on the verge of early relapse again. "This can't be happening" I told to myself. I got up from the chair, took my shoes and even my feet are still aching, I decided to run that day under the scorching heat of the Philippine's summer sun.

With the heat index so high and the heat of the sun that literally burns my skin like lechon, there I was dragging my body on the concrete road that serves like a grill. I had to stop each couple meters to catch my breath and check if anyone is looking at me whom probably thinking how crazy I was. It only took me 1.5 km to decide that I had enough and this is indeed crazy and I have the right to procrastinate on this weather condition. While under the shade of acacia tree, I stumbled on this youtube channel with David Goggins in it. At first I was just passive and didn't mind what really is going on until the guy started cursing and yelling as if he's directly speaking to me. "You stop when you're done! Not when you're tired!" His words are so moving and motivating that I started to move my feet again and pushed myself each time he yells and curse. In that scorching hot summer day, I ended up running 4 kilometers. That was the start of my crazy running addiction.

Each time that my urge to drink rise up, I run. I don't care what time of the day it is. I don't care what weather condition is, I will run! I would run in the morning or in the evening whether its sunny or raining, it doesn't matter. Baranggay officials even got concerned when they saw me running at 1 am. They thought I was a burglar or something. But they got used to it as weeks go by. Even dogs at first bark at me like crazy but eventually got used to my night runs that home owners started to be concerned about their safety.

Three months quickly passed and I started to notice the changes in my body. I lose weight and my mental state started to improve so well. Some of my neighbors seemed to like what I'm doing that I began to see some of them running as well. One of them even invited me to be in his youtube channel as he saw my progress real time and wanted to feature my story but I politely declined. I said I'm still a work in progress and I'm still battling with a day to day temptations of alcohol. He understood but still offered his channel in case (according to him) I'm ready to inspire people. Inspire people? Talaga ba? But no. I am still far from that kind of recognition.

To date, I still run regularly. I can now run continuously with greater speed and distance than before. I learned how to not make excuses to myself. You know the thing is, you don't need to overthink fitness. Doesn't matter if its just a simple walk or jogging just effing do it. Stop procrastinating and making excuses. Anyhow, this article is not about you and its about me so you're maybe going through some kind of struggles in life and you have your own ways of dealing with them and I respect that. Isn't it sweet though that our paths may cross one day and we'll be able to share good stuff out of our journey towards better health and better life? And I think what's sweeter is, we both know that we didn't just go through a simple change, we went through a brand new lifestyle. Coz we both figured that for something to be sustainable (like on my case, alcohol sobriety) you gotta change your lifestyle. Sure temptations will continuously show up but for me? Tremendous self-respect and absolute commitment to this lifestyle will help me kick this alcoholism...absolutely.

Have a good day! Let's run!

I'm gonna see Halley's Comet all by myself...if I still can

 

Sa 2061, ako ay ganap nang 74. Pero ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na mabubuhay ako hanggang sa edad na yan para masaksihan ang muling pagsikat ng kometang Halley's na huling nakita nung 1986, isang taon bago ako ipinanganak. Ngunit hindi talaga Halley's ang target ko kundi ang Hale-Bopp. Ang problema, libong taon pa bago bumalik ang Hale-Bopp sa vicinity ng Earth kaya hindi ko na ito maaabutan. Kaya't Halleys na lang ang aabangan ko.

Isa ako sa mga mapalad na nakasaksi ng maliwanag na kometa sa kalawakan na di kelangan gamitan ng teleskopyo. 10 years old ako nun at nasa kasagsagan ng pagka obsess sa astronomy. Matyagang pinag-aaralan ko nun ang astronomy sa munting library ng school namin gamit ang mga donated reading materials na galing pa ng NASA. Maraming nasirang mga aklat sa elementary school namin kaya't bumuhos ang mga donasyon galing sa iba't ibang bansa at swerteng napasama doon ang mga de-kalibreng astronomy books and magazines. Kung kaya nang makita ko ng personal ang kometang sa mga pictures ko lang nakikita na kuha nung 1986 sa kometang Halleys, talagang wala ako pagsidlan ng tuwa at gabi gabi akong nasa labas ng bahay para lang pagmasdan ang Hale-Bopp na sya namang nagpakita nung 1997. Kung nakarating ka sa parteng ito ng blog ko, oras na para malaman mo na ang entry na to ay hindi puro tungkol sa science sa likod ng kometa. Ito ay tungkol sa taong naging mahalagang parte ng buhay ko at patuloy kong maalala dahil sa kometa. Paano nga ba sya naging konektado sa kometa?

2020, sa kalagitnaan ng covid nang makilala ko ang itinuturing ko nang pinaka unforgettable na ex sa kasaysayan ng pakikipagrelasyon ko. Alam nating lahat kung gaanong tumigil ang mundo ng taong iyon at kung paanong nastuck tayong lahat nang matagal sa mga kinalalagyan natin. Kung kaya naman gamit ang teknolohiya, sinubukan kong makipag ugnayan sa mga taong nasa malalayong lugar hindi lang para makahanap ng potential na partner kungdi para magkaroon na din ng kausap. Don't get me wrong, palagi naman ako updated dahil sa balita pero iba pa rin pag personal na karanasan ng mga tao mula sa malalayo ang masasagap mo. Maswete naman ako na frontliner ang nakamatch ko sa dating app at alam kong hindi ako mashoshort ng impormasyon mula sa first hand experience nya sa covid pandemic. Ang natatanging babaeng ito, mula sa napakaraming naka match ang siya lamang nag-iisa na nakausap ko ng matagal at walang dull moments. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero kapwa mataas ang energy namin sa isa't isa tuwing kami'y magkausap sa chat or kahit sa video call. Pero isa lang ang masasabi ko, natagpuan ko na ang hinahanap ko at handa akong maghintay na dumating ang panahon na pwede nang magtravel at para mapuntahan ko na sya. Pero ano nga ba kase ang koneksyon nya sa kometa?

Marami kaming mga napag-usapan na ang karamihan ay hindi na lang tungkol sa boring at nakakastress na sitwasyon ng pandemic. Sa part ko e yung mga hilig ko like history and science habang sa kanya naman e yung araw-araw nya na buhay nya as frontliner. She was born in 1998, masyadong bata para saken pero instead na magfocus kami sa age gap, pinaramdam ko sa kanya na hindi yun hadlang and as a matter of fact, kaya kong mag-adjust para sa kanya para lang masustain namin yung relationship namin. Nakakatawa kase nung una, akala ko e parte lang ng matamis na dila ko yung mga pinagsasabi ko until marealize ko later on na seryoso pala ako. Halimbawa na lang e yung one time na nashare ko sa kanya kung panu nya namiss ang napakaganda at nakaka amaze na hitsura ng Hale-Bopp comet nung 1997 na kako e kung medyo maaga pa sya pinanganak e baka may memory pa sya ng event na yun kahit paano. Anyway, idinescribe ko sa kanya, ikinuwento ko sa kanya ang lahat ng facts tungkol sa appearance ng Hale-Bopp at ano nga ba ang mga bagay-bagay sa likod ng paglabas ng mga kometa. Sa kasamaang palad, hindi na sya makakakita ng kometa na kasing tingkad ng Hale-Bopp pero sabi ko sa kanya, magpapakita muli ang Halley's sa 2061 at may chance na makita namin yun...together. Kumbaga, just to prove my point na pambihirang experience and makakita ng kometa, handa akong maghintay until 2061 para personal na ibida sa kanya yung nasaksihan ko nung 1997. Nakakabaliw kase sa sobrang random ng mga topic namin, eto yung isa sa mga random na pinaka tumatak samen at lalong tumatak saken. Bakit kamo? Kase paano ako nakakasigurado na kami nga ang magkakatuluyan at paano ako nakakasigurado na buhay pa ko sa 2061? Pwede mong sabihin na sobrang bored na namin nung 2020 na umabot na kami sa ganitong mga topic pero siguro kase talaga, we're meant for each other and nagkakasundo kami kahit sa mga weird na mga bagay. At least yun yung expectation ko nung mga panahon na yun.

Lumipas ang mga buwan hanggang umabot ang mahigit isang taon na patuloy yung komunikasyon namin. Hindi naging madali ang lahat. Ilang beses kaming sinubok ng kung anu-anong mga pangyayari pero nanatili kaming matatag at hindi kami natinag, tuloy pa rin yung koneksyon namin. Hanggang medyo lumuwag na ang sitwasyon ng pandemic at yun na ang hinihintay namin para makita ang isa't isa. Maniwala ka o sa hindi, yung pagkamangha ko sa ganda ng Hale-Bopp comet nung 1997 ay muling nanumbalik nang finally! Finally nakita ko na sya sa personal. Marahil yun na ang pinaka extraordinary na experience ko since 10 years old nang masaksihan ang pambihirang astronomical event at heto, nasa harap ko na ang babaeng 100x na mas majestic at hindi ko ipagpapalit sa kahit anong great astronomical event na i-offer saken ng universe. Magical and surreal ang first time na nagkita kami. Hindi ko madescribe sa words.

Pero sadyang mapaglaro ang tadhana. Tulad ng pagdaan ng Hale-Bopp hanggang sa tuluyang pag lampas nito sa Earth, ganun din ang nangyari samen. Kinailangan nyang umalis at mangibang bansa. Nung umpisa'y inakala kong kakayanin namin at maghihintay ako sa muling pagbabalik nya. Pero hindi na katulad ng dati na kinaya naming maghintay, last August 2023, tuluyan na kaming naghiwalay. Lubha akong naapektuhan kase halos ibinigay ko na yung buong buhay ko sa kanya. Lahat ng pangarap ko, sa kanya ko na pinaikot. Pero sa mga dahilang masasabi kong malaki din ang naging kasalanan ko, hindi ko rin sya masisisi kung bakit sya bumitaw. Ngayon ay wala na akong nilolook forward na makasama sa muling pagpapakita ng kometa sa mga susunod na dekada. Pero isa lang ang sigurado ako, pipilitin kong mabuhay hanggang sa nasabing yugto para lang mapatunayan na...naghintay pa rin ako sa kanya.

Halos 2400 years mula 1997 ang itatagal bago muling makita sa Earth ang Hale-Bopp samantalang 75 years naman ang sa Halley's mula nung 1986. Gusto kong isipin na sana Halley's na lang sya na makikita ko pa din sa mas madaling panahon sa kanyang pagbabalik. Pero it looks like na Hale-Bopp sya at hindi ko na muling masasaksihan. Masyadong malalim at hindi na maaayos ang naging dahilan ng paghihiwalay namin na nagpasya akong hayaan na lang sya sa peace na deserve nya. Ayoko nang maging panggulo sa kanya at tama na naging part sya ng kahapon ko na maihahalintulad ko sa napaka ligayang experience nang maencounter ko ang Hale-Bopp nung 90s. Kaya naman sa taong 2061, sa pagtingala ko sa kalawakan sa isa mga gabing yun, tiyak ako na sya ang maaalala ko. 

Hindi ko sinasabi na mananatili akong single hanggang sa panahon na yun. Tao lang din ako at madami pa kong pagkakataon na mameet ang talagang nakatadhana para saken. Pero isa lang ang sigurado ako, ang event na yun sa future, ang paglabas ng kometa ay para lamang sa kanya. Mag-isa kong tititigan at sasalubungin ng ngiti ang paglitaw ng animo'y matingkad na pahabang tala sa kalawakan at hihilingin na sana'y nakikita nya rin yun. At nawa'y maalala nya na minsan sa buhay nya, ay may nameet syang isang weird na tulad ko na nagmahal sa kanya ng totoo at walang katumbas. 

Hindi matatapos ang entry na to kung hindi ko babanggitin ang sobriety journey na patuloy kong tinatahak ngayon. Patuloy ang pagsusumikap kong maging healthy at umaasang madelay ko ang aging upang mabuhay pa ng mas mahaba. Minsan na nya saken sinabi na ingatan ko ang sarili ko para umabot pa ako sa pagbabalik ng Halleys sa edad na 74 habang sya ay 63. Napakasupportive nya sa pagbigay ng mga health related stuff saken na marahil ay sadyang love language nya para lang masecure na healthy ako palagi. Pero I let her down nang malululong ako nang tuluyan sa bisyo. Sinabi ko din sa kanya na kahit naka-wheelchair na ko, kahit naka dextrose na ko, basta hawak nya kamay ko, ieextend ko ang buhay ko kahit isang gabi pa para lamang masaksihan at maipagyabang ang kwentong sinimulan ko sa kanya nung 2020. 

Kung mababasa nya to, sana malaman nya na, its never a goodbye with her. She will always be in my heart and she will never be gone. I fully support her and I respect na she's happy now. I commit on not sending her any signs that I'm still here with my heart still beating for her but rest assure...I will go on with my life with the gift she gave me. The gift of life, a second chance in life. Never again that I will threat my own life just because I fail to someone or to something. She taught me that very well and I will keep that in mind and deep in my heart.

Nang minsang matulog ako sa gitna ng highway - Kwentong Kalasingan

 

December 2023, madaling araw na nun. Malakas ang ulan at halos hindi ko na maaninag ang daan habang ako'y nagdadrive. Walang masyadong tulog nang nakaraang gabi at eto't kargado ng litro-litrong red label at redhorse. Good! Death wish!. Hindi ko na alam nun kung makakauwi pa ba ako ng buhay. To make matters worst, wala na akong nakikitang liko, puro diretso na lang. Kako, oras na makakita ako ng maliit na liwanag na parang nasa dulo ng tunnel, tiyak na nasa kabilang buhay na ako. Bago pa tumakas ang natitirang katinuan sa utak ko ng mga oras na yun, nagpasya akong itabi na ang minamanehong motor at magpa-umaga na sa gilid ng kalsada.

Tumabi ako at bumaba sa motor. Wala nang lakas na natitira sa katawan ko at pabagsak akong umupo sa gilid ng highway. Sa kabila ng kalsada ay ang natatanging source ng liwanag sa area na yun mula sa poste. Wari'y nahipnotismo ako at tumitig sa liwanag na nagpatingkad sa malalaking patak ng ulan. Sa tagpong iyon, biglang nagflashback saken lahat ng dahilan kung bakit ba ako napunta sa ganitong sitwasyon at kung safe pa ba akong makakalabas dito. Hindi naging mabait saken ang taong 2023 at sinisi ko lahat ng pwede kong sisihin kung bakit ang dami kong pasanin nun. Basang basa ako at naghalo na ang tubig ulan at luha sa mukha ko. Luhang hindi ko na napansin na umaagos sa aking matabang pisngi.

Natulala ako ng ilan pang sandali mula sa pagkakatitig sa ilaw hanggang sa napagpasyahan kong tumayo mula sa kinauupuan.  Nalimutan ko na na nasa kalsada ako at anytime ay pwede ako mabundol ng rumaragasang sasakyan kung tangkain kong tumawid. Determinado akong marating ang poste at mas makita ang liwanag nito sa malapitan. Animo'y isa akong gamu-gamo na hayok na hayok sa liwanag at gagawin ang lahat malapitan lang ito kahit...maging mitsa pa ito ng kapahamakan ko. Bakit nga ba ako gutom na gutom sa liwanag?

Gamit ang natitira ko pang lakas, inihakbang ko ang aking mga paa. Napakabigat ng katawan ko na overweight at marahil ay composed of 80% percent alcohol (dinaig ko pa ang Green Cross). Sa dahan-dahan kong paghakbang ay ang walang tigil pa ring pag-agos ng luha ko. Nasa punto ako ng sinasabing lowest point ng buhay at wala akong makitang paliwanag o solusyon sa mga problema ko. Alak at tanging alak lang ang laging sumasama saken. Alak lang ang pumapawi ng lahat ng sakit na dinadamdam ko sa kaibuturan ng puso ko. Pero sa mga oras na yun, tila hindi ko na kaya at gusto ko nang sumabog. Pinaralisa na ng alak ang buo kong katawan pero ang puso ko'y patuloy pa ring dumudugo at wari'y nakikiusap na tapusin ko na ang lahat ng hapdi na yun...dahil hindi na nya kaya. Marahil, kung kaya't pilit kong inaabot ang liwanag sa poste ay dahil sa laksa-laksang katanungan sa isip ko na ibandona ko na at piniling kandaduhan ng alak tuwing sila'y sabay sabay na nagpupumiglas at nais kumawala. Although this time, sobrang taas na yata talaga ng tolerance ko at hindi na magshutdown ang utak ko na usually ay easy na nalulunod ng alak.

"Hindi ko na kaya..." mahinang sambit ko sa sarili.

Pumaimbulog sa kalawakan ang mahaba at matalim na guhit ng kidlat at sinundan ng dumadagundong na kulog. Galit na galit ang panahon at hindi na ko nagdalawang isip na sabayan ito. Buong lakas kong isinigaw ang mga hinanaing ko habang patuloy ako sa paghakbang. Paulit-ulit sa hindi ko na alam kung gaano katagal binato ko ng panaghoy, sigaw at hindi ko na maipaliwanag na tindi ng emosyon ang meron ako sa mga oras na yun ang inosenteng ilaw sa poste. Walang ibang tao sa bahaging iyon ng kalsada at malayo ang mga kabahayan. Tanging ako lang, ang street light at ang negatibong enerhiya mula sa aking paghihinagpis ang bumabalot sa buong lugar. Ilang sandali pa'y waring bumibilis ang pag-ikot ng paligid. Tumingin akong muli sa ilaw ng poste at animo'y gumagalaw na ito, paikot at umiikid na parang ipu-ipo.

"Holy shit. I'm so drank..." ang nasambit ko na lang sa sarili sa gitna ng pinakamalalang pagkalasing na dinanas ko sa buong buhay ko.

Unti-unti nang humihina ang ulan pero lalo pa ring umaakyat ang tama ko. Traydor ang red label na nuon lang sumirit ang tama. May ilang ilaw na akong nakikita at di ko alam kung hallucination na ba yun. Ang alam ko lang, malapit na ko matumba at mawalan ng malay. At hindi nga ako nagkamali, tuluyan na kong nabuwal. Hindi ko na nagawang lumakad pa pabalik sa gilid ng kalsada, sa ligtas na lugar. Wala na akong lakas. Dito na ko matutulog...goodnight. Kung magigising pa ba ako? Hindi ko na alam.

"Nunoy sino ka baga? Kaninong anak ka?" ang tinig na gumising saken ng umagang iyon.

Alas singko mahigit na at nagsisimula nang magliwanag. Goodmorning sa aking namimitig at namamanhid na braso mula sa pagkakapatong sa mesa na nadadaganan ng ulo ko, nakatulog ako sa ganung posisyon. Kung paano ako napunta sa kubong iyon, hindi ko rin alam. Tumulala ako ng ilang segundo sa napakagandang bukid na medyo nababalot ng hamog.

"Ulap! Asan na ako?! Fu**k, nasa kabilang buhay na yata ako." bulong ko sa sarili habang nalilito pa rin at parang binibiyak ang kaluluwa sa hang over.

Habang kinakamot ang ulo kong puro buhangin ay naalala kong tinatanong nga pala ako ng matandang babae. Nagpakilala ako kay nanay na sumaklolo saken. Sa probinsya, sabihin mo lang sa kanila ang apelyido at kung hindi pa yun sapat, sabihin mo kung anong bansag  sa angkan nyo at makikilala ka nila. Pero, hindi pa din nakakaproud na napulot nila akong wasted at wasak na wasak sa alak sa gitna ng kalsada. Alam kong makakarating ito sa nanay ko at hindi ako magiging masaya. Kinakabahan ako sa nanay ko pero mas kinakabahan ako sa tita ko. Kumbaga sa bagyo, yung tita ko yung bawi, mas malakas at mas malaki ang damage. Pero bakit ba ako nag-aalala sa pagsabon na gagawin saken ng mga matatanda ko? Heto't buhay ako at nagkaroon ulet ng isa pang tsansa.

"Ay nunoy maigi't nakita ka nung kotse at hindi ka nasagasaan. Nasa gitna ka ng kalsada natulog. Ay bakit baga naman at dun ka natulog? Hesus, Hesus Maryosep. Ikaw baga ay magpapakamatay na? Maigi pa yung motor mo at nakatabi. Grabe naman ang kalasingan mo nunoy ko." ang litanya ng matanda saken na instant nagkaroon ng lisensya na sermonan ako ng malamang kababata nya ang nanay at tita ko.

Ipinaliwanag ko naman sa kanya na hindi ko na talaga kinaya ang kalasingan at humingi ako ng dispensa at taos pusong nagpasalamat sa kanila lalo na sa driver ng kotse na hindi ako sinagasaan at inihingi ako ng tulong sa kanila para madala sa safe na lugar. Bagama't tumindig pa rin ang balahibo ko sa posibilidad na baka hindi ko na nasilayan ang magandang umagang iyon kung minalas at nagulungan ng sasakyan. Main road ang kalsadang napili kong gawing kama at sinuwerte akong malayo sa kurbada na dahilan para makita agad ako ng paparating na sasakyan. O sadyang hindi ko pa talaga oras?

Umuwi akong tangay ang hindi malilimutang karanasan na yun at araw-araw ko yung pinagbulay-bulayan maging pagbalik ko sa Manila. Malaking dahilan ang insidenteng yun para magpasya akong tumigil na sa pag-inom ng alak. Nabigo ako nun na tawirin ang kalsada upang malapitan ang liwanag sa poste sa hindi ko pa rin maipaliwanag na dahilan. Ngunit iyon pala'y simbolo ng kagustuhan ko din na maintindihan ang nangyayari saken at makatagpo ng liwanag na syang magpapahinto ng aking bisyo at mag-aalis saken sa kadiliman. Subalit sa proseso ng paghanap natin ng kasagutan, may tamang lugar, panahon at kondisyon ng pag-iisip ang dapat isaalang-alang. Sa tulong ng mga mahal sa buhay, natawid ko ang kalsada at nabagtas ang daan patungo sa liwanag. It so happened na hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay kaya mong mag-isa. Sa buong paglalakbay ko dito sa paghinto sa pag-inom ng alak, (na seryoso kong nilalabanan araw-araw), nandyan yung mga tao na bukas ang pusong sumuporta at umalalay. Kapag hindi mo na kaya at gusto mo nang gumive up, magtap-out ka pero bumangon ka at subukan mo ulet magsimula. Kung nanghihina na ang mga paa mo at pakiramdam mo'y hindi mo na kayang humakbang para sa pag-asa, alalahanin mong hindi ka nag-iisa, magpatulong ka, wag kang mahiya. Wag ka matutulog sa gitna ng kalsada, wag mong sirain ang buhay mo, wag mong tapusin ang buhay mo...masyado itong maganda, masyado itong precious para ibasura mo lang.

Kalayaan sa Alcohol - Ika-142 Araw: Mga Imahe sa Maduming Salamin

Buwan ng Wika ngayon kaya hayaan nyo akong managalog. Nais ko lamang bisitahin ang mga pagbabagong patuloy kong itinatala dito sa'king talaarawan. Marahil ay nagsasawa na kayo sa patuloy kong pagbida ng mga pagbabago sa aking pisikal na kaanyuan mula nang ako'y huminto sa bisyong nagpagupo ng aking sistema, nagpalugmok sa'king pag-asa at tuluyang nagpahina sa aking paniniwala sa magandang bukas. Ngunit wala akong hangarin kundi nawa'y makapagbigay lamang ng inspirasyon at paghuhugutan ng positibong pananaw ng mga katulad kong maraming beses nang tumingin sa salamin ngunit naging bulag sa katotohanan ng tunay nilang imahe sa kasagsagan ng kanilang pagkahumaling sa bisyo. Maniwala kayo sa akin o hindi, wala sa dumi o linis ng salamin ang basehan ng tunay nating kaanyuan. Ang imaheng maaaninag, malabo man o malinaw ay repleksyong nagkukubli ng sari-saring digmaang patuloy nating dinadanas sa ating mga sarili. Subalit ang persona na nasa iyong harapan, natanong mo na ba kung may silakbo sa kanyang damdamin na ibsan ang digmaan o manatili na lang na talunan ng kanyang kahinaan? 

Isandaan at apatnapung araw ng aking iwaksi ang alcohol at buksan ang aking mga mata sa katotohanang ako'y hindi pumapaimbulog, bagkus ay patuloy na bumubulusok sa bangin ng paghihinagpis at kabalintunaan. Pawang mga pasakit at pagdurusa lamang ang mga litratong naiipon ko saking balintataw sa tuwinang ako'y titingin sa salamin. Mataba, wari'y namamaga ang katawan at laksa-laksa ang iniindang karamdaman sa parehong pisyolohikal at mental na aspeto ng aking pagkatao. Maraming beses akong sumubok na magbago, itapon ang maling gawi ngunit ganun din kadami ang bilang ng kabiguan na aking tinamo. Ngunit ika nga ni Martin Luther King Jr. "Huwag mong tingnan ang buong hagdan. Magpokus ka sa unang baitang at magsimula kang humakbang". Kung uubusin mo ang oras sa kakaisip pero walang ginagawa, wala kang masisimulan. Kaya naman sa unang araw ng pag-alab ng aking pagnanasa na kumawala sa kadena ng bisyong ito, ang tangi kong ginawa ay masdan ang pagsikat ng araw hanggang sa paglubog nito na ang aking labi at lalamunan ay tuyo at hindi nalapatan ng serbesa o alcohol.

Ngunit hindi sapat na ako'y hihilata lamang at uulitin ang pagmamasid sa pagpalit ng petsa at ngingiti sa tagumpay laban sa alak. Ang laban ay hindi mapagwawagian kung anumang oras ay maaaring atakehin ng tukso ang iyong kahinaan. Sa muli kong pagtingin sa salamin ay umalagwa ang taba sa paligid ng aking tiyan na wari'y nagsusumamong lamnan ko sya ng serbesang nakagawian. Ako'y mariing tumanggi at tangan ang kapirasong lakas na unti-unti ko nang naiimpok sa pitumput dalawang oras na walang alak saking sistema, inihakbang ko ang aking mga paa...mabagal at pabilis nang pabilis. Ilang sandali pa'y halos madapa ako sa kongkretong daan pagkat gusto pa ng isip ko ngunit ang aking mga paa'y hindi na makahakbang. Pulikat at hindi ko maipaliwanag na hapdi ng kalamnan ang aking naramdaman. Tumabi ako at pinagmasdan ang mga batang naglalaro habang naliligo sa pawis na matagal ko nang hindi narasanan. "Kung kaya ko lamang bumalik sa kahapon na tulad ng mga kabataang ito, hindi sana ako mukhang uugod-ugod sa sulok na wari'y matandang kulang na lang ay tungkod" wika ko saking sarili. Isang malalim na buntong hininga kasabay ng pagkusot sa matang pinasok na ng maalat na pawis. Sinilip ko ang aking sarili sa camera ng aking telepono at napansing sa likod ng mukhang hapo at naliligo sa pawis ay may ningning na wari'y nakikiusap na pakawalan. Tumayo ako at buong giting na tinanggap ang hamon. "Ito na ang simula!" sigaw ko sa king isipan.

Muli akong humakbang. Inisip kong ang sakit ay nasa isip ko lamang at kakayanin ko ang tatlong kilometrong aking minithing takbuhin nang dapit hapon na iyon. Ilang sandali pa'y binalot na ng manhid ang aking mga binti at patuloy na ito sa paggalaw. Ngunit ilang minuto pa'y wari'y nanlabo ang aking paningin at hindi na ako makahinga sa pagod. Sa aking tagiliran ay may kung anong kirot din na hindi ko maintindihang patuloy na tumutusok na animo'y patalim, makirot at alam kong tiyak ang aking pagbagsak sa matigas na semento kung hindi ako hihinto. Tumingin ako sa kanluran at ang kulay dugong araw ay handa nang magpaalam sa petsang ito. Sayang sapagkat hindi nya nasaksihan ang aking tagumpay na tapusin ang itinakda kong distansya sa unang araw ng aking pagtakbo. Di bale, buong giting kong ipagmamalaki sa buwan ang isa na namang pagkakataon na sya'y sumikat na ako'y hindi nagalaw, hindi nalango ng alak at mananatiling matatag sa noo'y panatang unti-unti nang tumitibay.

Buong giting kong tinapos ang aking itinakdang distansya ng pagtakbo ng gabing iyon. Lakad, takbo man ang naganap ay masaya kong tinanggap ang katotohanan na ito ay prosesong nangangailangan ng panahon. Tumingin ako sa salamin at ang dati'y malaking tiyan na sanhi ng aking lungkot ngayo'y mistula nang gasolina sa aking matinding mithiin na magbawas ng timbang at taglayin ang pisikal na anyo na huli kong tinaglay nung 2016.

Sa pagdaan ng panahon at mula sa kalunos-lunos na tagpong iyon sa unang araw ng aking pagpapakasakit tungo sa pagbabago, sa wakas ay unti-unti nang nagbubunga ang aking pagsusumikap. Tanging galak at sigla ang aking nakikita sa repleksyon sa salamin. Patuloy, hindi ako humihinto at lalo pang nag-aalab ang aking mithi para sa pagbabagong noo'y inakala kong imposible. Sa ika-365 na araw na syang bilang na aking itinakda na walang kahit isang patak ng alak na makakapasok saking katawan...magiging salamin ko na ang mga mata ng mga taong naniwala maging ng ilan na nagtangkang humila saken pababa sa mithiin kong ito. Sapagkat kahit ang maduming salamin ay hindi magsisinungaling sa imaheng kanyang ipinapakita. Ikaw, ako, tayong lahat ang magtatakda ng sarili nating repleksyon.

Alcohol Free - Day 117: I lose a lot of weight, pyhsically and emotionally

 

A lot of things happened this past few months. I chose to stay silent and focus on rebuilding myself. For those who are following me in social media, I apologize that I no longer post my physical developments since I quit alcohol and the reason why is part of what I'm going to talk about today. Though my main topic is how my mental and emotional states are going through these "self-chosen discomfort" that I implemented to myself few months back.

I couldn't stop watching and studying David Goggins and how he uses struggles to dominate life. For those who missed my older posts about my daily routine since I stopped drinking alcohol, I made running as my normal routine for almost everyday. I started at 6 kph speed for 3 km run and now at around 9 kph for 5-6 km run. I know I'm still far from Goggins endurance but I'm aiming to get there. Running keeps me in check with my mental health and overall well being. It also help me eliminate emotional instabilities which keeps on attacking me from time to time. With the new neurons that form each time I run, the clarity of mind that I get is next to none. Though despite the physical benefits that I get from it, the feeling of discomfort, exhaustion and occasional muscle pain is what I'm really digging from this new found love.

I knew all along that the change I decided to embrace is not gonna be pretty in the process. But I insist to step out of my comfort zone and change almost everything specially giving up the pleasures that I'm very used on having. Apparently, the fear of trading these pleasures with all these self-made struggles is what held me back for a long time but its now been a while since I overcame it. The reward I get after all the pain are much more satisfying.

Diving into the deeper aspect of my emotional instabilities and how I overcome them, I realized and started to accept that the failures and rejections I had in the past are not because I was the victim. I stopped pointing fingers and putting blame to anyone and started to own up all of those negatives which are results of my own carelessness and arrogance. I found a great relief on admitting that I was the one who caused all of these to myself and I'm the only one who can correct them. My bitter pasts are now fading away and I can feel the things that getting better and better as I choose to live in the present. While anxiety and depression could still sneak in from time to time, being always sober and fit eliminates them more efficiently than before. I no longer aspire to do big things for the future that I'm not certain about only to get anxious and become mentally unstable. I win each day and I win them big.

Distractions are the great hindrance in almost all types of aspirations so I gave up the biggest contributor of such which is social media. I like the side of it that I get to inspire people but some just utterly throw their criticisms while they themselves don't even try. When that happens, I just stick to what Goggins said, "You will never, never in life meet a hater doing better than you." He's also the reason I quit social media coz he never use one. I also dislike the side of it where I get sexualized and I hate that feeling so much especially now that I also quit porn.

I'm not gonna make it too lengthy. I might still write but I will decrease focus on myself on my next entries. As I've mentioned on my previous post, I'm also in a quest to cure my narcissism which I think I have though I don't have a professional findings about it yet. I'm passionate about writing and now that I'm sober and have more time in my hands, I might be able to work on a short novel that I've always been dreaming to publish.

Take care everyone. Again, win each day!

I quit social media and I like it

Lalaki ako pero I find it offensive na maging object ng lust lalo na ng kapwa ko lalaki. I've never been a homophobic and I have friends na part ng LGBTQ so I have nothing against them. But when my good intention to just show my progress in social media about my alcohol-free journey become sexualized, a lot of things went to my mind.

Recently, I found out how worst my narcissism is and how it started these fuck ups I'm having including my alcoholism. As a natural narcissist, I automatically post all things good about myself in social media kase kelangan ko ng "supply". That means attention, gratitude, approval and everything nice na sasabihin saken ng tao. Later on, I noticed something was wrong. It appears na mene-maintain ko na lang ang looks ko to be aesthetically pleasing by not drinking alcohol and nagpe-fade na yung pinakamalalim na dahilan kung bakit ako huminto sa pag-inom. After my long walk with nothing on my ears and just a simultaneous talking to myself, I decided to quit social media and keep my progress to myself. Ang babaw na kase and the attentions I'm getting  are also making me feel weak hence pushing me slowly to go back to my bad habits of flaunting more and getting by with people na walang konsepto ng self discipline.

From now on, I don't need recognition, attention and all the glitters and glamour online world has to offer. I gotta kill my narcissism by disabling the primary source of it in modern times which is the social media. I'm still doing good, still in a tip top shape and improving a lot. Alcohol still hasn't touched my system and I'm very proud of it. But again, unless you're a reader and doesn't need to consume visual inputs para maniwala ka saken, dun mo lang siguro makikita yung sincerity ko. Again, I don't crave for approval anymore. Sapat na yung ilang buwan na nakarecieve ako ng messages of supports and I'll take all of them with me sa entirety ng quest na to with my sincere thanks sa mga taong naniwala saken.

With this another challenge that I implemented to my life, I hope things get much better. Its been 6 days since I stopped consuming soc med contents and I felt freedom and peace. I know it will only get better as days go by and I'm excited to be free from temptations which I still have so far but I'm determined to beat them. Along with soc med cessation, I also started avoiding porn and though I'm not really addicted to it, I aim for absolute withdrawal sa habit ng panunuod ng porn to rewire my brain and look at things with zero lust. Kase tingin ko kaya ako nagiging object ng lust coz I do have the same in me towards another.

I began to hang out with my true friends and the face to face interaction is indeed beautiful. We sat for hours talking about adult stuff with sense. Something na hindi namin nagawa for a long time. I mean this group na saksi sa lahat ng kulay ng pagkatao ko, never nila ako iniwan. I'll stick with them and I will do everything I can to be the best person na maaasahan nila sa time na sila din ang nangangailangan ng emotional support.

Things are getting more and more clear to me as days go by. I see improvements and from now on, aside from my alcohol free journey, I will also write about my thoughts related to quitting social media and porn. These are all due to one goal and that is to beat my narcissism and be back on track sa mas simple, mas magaan at mas peaceful na buhay.

Take care everyone.

June Girl - Alcohol Free - Week 10

 

Ngayong araw marahil ang isa sa pinakamatinding kaso ng relapse na napaglabanan ko. Anong epic sa araw na to? Hindi ko alam kung bakit drain na drain ako at umatake na naman ang anxiety ko na matagal tagal ko na ding hindi nararanasan. So naisip ko dahil namiss nyo ko at matagal na kong hindi nagsusulat, heto at hayaan nyong magkwento ako.

Karamihan ng mga entry ko sa site kong ito nitong mga nagdaang buwan ay tungkol sa recovery ko sa alcoholism kase ano pa nga ba ang iko-content ko kungdi itong project na inimplement ko sa sarili ko na initially binigyan ko ng 365 days para realistic ang pure at 100% na no alcohol intake. Then after a year, saka ako magdedecide kung kaya ko na ba ang occasional na alcohol intake or tuluyan na kong bibitaw sa bisyong ito. So far so good at hindi pa ko nagrerelapse sa kabila ng madami na ding challenges na halos bumuwag sa hangarin ko na huwag uminom ng alak. Ngunit sa araw ngang ito, ay naranasan ko ang temptation na uminom sa mga kadahilanang kelangan ko pang isipin nang mabuti kung bakit. Nanatili akong nakaupo sa harap ng monitor ko habang nakikinig ng music pagkatapos ng trabaho pero tila nasa ibang dimensyon ako at wala ako dun sa kinauupuan ko. Hindi ko alam kung dahil lang sa pagod or stress pero one thing for sure, hindi ako ok at biglang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko sa malamig na redhorse na sobrang accessible saken anytime kung gugustuhin ko. "Hindi maaari!" ang pagsusumigaw ng isip ko dahil mangyari e papunta na ko sa pangatlong buwan ng sobriety ko at hindi ko papayagan na masayang yun. Dali-dali akong tumayo at isinuot ang sapatos. Tatakbo ako at ipapawis na lang ang lahat nang to.

Halos maputol ang hininga ko pagkatapos ng limang kilometrong pagtakbo. Nilagok ko ang napakaraming tubig at umupo para magpahinga. Ilang sandali pa, muli na namang umatake ang di ko maipaliwanag na kalungkutan na hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling. Parang may kung anong kunektado saken na nangyayari somewhere na baka part ng past ko o kung anupaman na nagbibigay saken ng negatibong enerhiya na to na usually e napapaglabanan ko sa pamamagitan ng pagtakbo pero sadyang napakalakas ng isang to at hindi ko maipaliwanag. Then naalala ko ang sinabi sa podcast na pinakikinggan ko habang tumatakbo na kapag uncertain ka sa negative emotions na nararanasan mo, maglakad ka pero wag kang makinig ng music or kung anupaman sa gadget mo at hayaang mong malayang kausapin ang sarili mo. Hindi ako convinced sa pahayag na yun at kako e pagud na pagod na ko sa pagtakbo, bakit pa ko maglalakad naman this time? Then the thoughts of redhorse came back sa isip ko at dun ako nakumbinsi na tanging ang pag-alis ko lang sa bahay ang ultimate solution para labanan ang potential na relapse na to. Kaagad akong naligo, nagfreshen up para this time e maglakad naman. San ako pupunta? Hindi ko rin alam.

All set and ready to go. Nakawhite shirt lang ako with vape syempre at nakapang-stroll na shorts and sneakers. Para akong genggeng na magsisimbang gabi with matching jeje-cap. I don't mind. I'm going 37 and titos don't give a shit about outfit check anymore. Nakasalpak ang earbuds ko sa tenga at ready na maglakad hanggang naalala ko ang sinabi sa podcast to just listen to yourself while walking and not to anything else. Never ko pa natry maglakad without my earbuds pero I will give it a try this time. So lumabas na nga ako at sinimulan ang pagninilay-nilay. 3k steps ayon sa walking app ko nang may weird na thoughts ang biglang umatake saken. Bigla kong naalala ex ko. June na nga pala at birth month nya ngayon. Eto yung month last year na nag-away kami ng malala kase di ko sya na-greet sa birthday nya and yun na pala ang sign na malapit na kami maghiwalay for good. Saglit ako natawa sa sarili ko sa epic na memory na yun na naayos din naman namin later on pero I don't know. She was not like that before and she started to change that time. Pero hindi rin naman justified talaga na malimutan ko yung birthday nya. No excuse on that and nag-apologize ako sa kanya. Pero what really is happening to me today at kelangan kong magbawas ng ganitong karaming calories?

Unconsciously, naglog-on ako sa socmed to check her out only to realize na she already blocked me everywhere and I have no freakin idea how she's doing at all which is good. Not seeing her in any medium helped me combat the biggest relapse threat especially sa first month. Pero since sumagi sya sa isip ko, I wonder, is she in a new relationship now? If she is then thats good since deserved naman nya maging masaya. In the middle of that thought, bigla ako napareflect kung anung klaseng boyfriend ba ako sa kanya dati? Good. Now may topic na ko sa sarili ko although nagsisi ako kase iniwan ko earbuds ko and the boredom is becoming brutal habang lumalayo ang paglakad ko.

Medyo matagal ko na to nafigure out since few weeks pa lang na nagkaroon ako ng clarity mula sa paghinto sa pag-inom kung anong klaseng boyfriend ako in general. I'm a narcissist. Never kong inadmit sa sarili ko ang pagiging narcissist ko sa mga ex ko until recently with June Girl. Lahat na siguro ng signs ng extreme narcissism ay nailabas ko na kay June Girl especially nitong tinatry ko na makipagbalikan sa kanya. Yung level ng pagiging entitled ko kahit wala na kami, through the roof at yung resistance ko sa rejection na sa totoo lang e wala na talaga ako magagawa e ganun na lang katindi. Those qualities are the most fucked up form of narcissism lalo na't nagcome up na ko sa mga threats just because hindi ko nakuha ang gusto ko. I blamed alcohol for that na nagspike up yung addiction ko nung nagko-cope up ako sa break up namin pero later on, it wasn't alcohol. Alcohol is the product of my narcissism and not the other way around. Ang naging ambag lang ng alcohol ay lalo nyang pinalala yung narcissism ko which is a pretty fucked up na ambag kaya nang magquit ako sa pag-inom at narating ko tong realization na to, nagstart akong iwork out ang paggamot sa pagiging narcissist ko.

Tuloy lang ako sa paglakad at unti-unti nang sumasakit ang mga paa ko. Nakaka 8k steps na ko pero balewala yung sakit ng paa kase naeenjoy ko na ang pakikipag-usap sa sarili ko. I wanna go down to how I figured and came up to plans to cure my narcissm pero daanan ko muna ng bahagya ang history ni June Girl at kung paano sya naging pinaka-importanteng memory sa buhay ko. She's a very quiet and a woman of few words. Mahirap makipag-usap sa kanya kase kelangan mo ng maraming inputs at stimulation para maging steady yung convo nyo. That's at least on my experience since may generation gap kami pero one thing for sure, nabridge namin yang gap na yan kase pag interesado sya sayo, she will try. Nung time na nagkakilala kami, my narcissism was almost non-existent. It was all about entertainment lang talaga and I didn't even have the hint na madedevelop ako sa kanya. But her other attribute na sadyang attractive at strength nya, she listens. If a guy finds her boring at first impression and quit on her immediately? They are going to miss out one of the finest gems they will ever find sa buhay nila. Coz she doesn't show off and only speak of few but practical and realistic things. She doesn't have that much of a humor and she tends to be very serious, pero pag naexplore mo na yung deepness nya, she's very attractive and seductive at the same time. Now here's the tricky part. Pag nahukay mo na yung pinaka character nya at nahulog ka na? You may wish na sana hangggang dun ka na lang at wag mo na sya ipursue kase kung narcissist ka na katulad ko, you're gonna regret it later. She's smart and resilient and she will always have the last laugh if trouble comes along the way sa relationship nyo.

She's a narcissist magnet but also a kryptonite. I met her when she was younger and inexperienced and ok naman kami nung una until my narcissism finally reached its ripe form. Due to her innocence and an easy victim sa mata ng naunang narcissist na nameet nya, she made a serious mistake. Dahil sa mistake na yun, nagising ang evil side ko na sya kong palagiang ginagamit na justification whenever I commit mistake sa relasyon namin. Ako palagi ang tama at inalisan ko sya ng karapatan na magreason out. I abused her verbally but she was helpless that time. My narcissistic schemes always work for her and I was on the top of my game. The guilt trip, gaslighting, threats and manipulations, she always fell for those at lagi ko nakukuha yung gusto ko sa kanya. But not for long. Since she's smart and adaptable, she read all the trends sa relasyon namin like a book and her time for vengeance came. She killed me with her strongest weapon...silence. Wala na sa kahit anong narcissistic methods ko ang nagwork sa kanya coz she went into complete silence. And that my friend is the deadlieast weapon na kakaharapin mo pag isa kang narcissist. At wish mo lang, pag dumating sa point na ginamit na ng target mo ang weapon na yan laban sayo ay hindi tayo magkatulad. Dahil inexpose nya saken ang isa pa sa true form ko...ang pagiging weak. Bilang isang narcissist na tinatawag din nilang sadboi na manipulative, I tried to stand strong when she broke up with me and tried to counter her silence with silence. Pero pre, pag narcissist ka, you will never be quiet. Words are your weapon pero what good is your weapon when your target literally used invisibility completely? At panu ko nasabi kanina na sana wish mo e hindi na lang naging kayo? Kase kung narcissist ka and you found her as a willing victim, you will fall for her so hard kase she will feed all your narcissistic hunger. Then she will detach herself from you like a pro once she's completely fed up.Walang matitira sayo kungdi yung weakness mo na syang kakain sayo at payback time yun. My weakness when she gave me up was my alcoholism na syang nagpalugmok saken nang husto. Pero alam mo ba kung paano ako nakarecover? I took the first step to cure my narcissism and that is to accept and to give up pride.

Yung first day na ginive-up ko ang alcohol, yun na din ang first day na tinanggap ko ang defeat. Masakit saken and the pain wasn't normal sa isang narcissist na tulad ko. It was a combined withdrawal effects of alcohol and narcissism. I almost killed myself kase sabi ko nga, hindi naman talaga ako ganun ka-strong and dinedisguise ko lang ang strength ko through narcissistic tricks. Now that shes gone and I have no one to show my fake strength and dominance, naiwan akong parang basang sisiw na hinang-hina at hindi alam ang gagawin sa buhay. Pero alam mo? I gave up my pride and kahit nakita ko ang sarili ko na sadsad na sadsad na sa lupa, hinayaan ko lang. Kase kaya exxagerated ang reaction ko sa break up namin e dahil andun pa din yung narcissism ko and until it died down, dun ko lang makikita ang mga bagay differently. Para akong kabayo na nakatakip ang mata sa sides at walang ibang nakikita kundi yung ego ko and guess what? I removed those covers at sinubukan kong tumingin sa ibang aspeto ng buhay. Nung una, feeling victim ako kase iniwan ako sa ere, binago ko yun. Instead inisip ko na deserve ko yun and this is an eye opening event saken. I practice humility at sinimulan ko yun sa hindi na pagsend pa ng emails or messages sa kanya sa kahit anong way coz thats still a sign of pride. Nagpakahumble ako in a way na tumatanggi na ko sa mga tagay at nakakarinig ng mga panglalait na minsan nga ay personal pa kase pagkalalaki ko na yung binabanatan nila pero tinanggap ko yun. I stopped drinking to maintain clarity at all times. Lahat nang bagay na kaya ko naman idisguise sa kabila ng defeat na tinamo ko, hinayaan ko lang. Hindi na to stage para mag-angas pa ko at i-cover up ang lahat gamit ang pagiging narcissist ko. This is a stage of complete acceptance by letting the damage lie down and be in front of my eyes then draw an honest and transparent plans na pure at walang hint ng pagmamataas at pagkamakasarili. Here I am walking a long mile refecting all the misseries and punishment na natamo ko dahil sa sarili ko ring kagaguhan and these work outs that I'm doing are now the start of my new life.

Going 3 months now, never akong nagstop sa pagiging active. Pati pagiging delivery rider, pinasok ko just to keep myself busy and be outside to avoid alcohol na madalas kung ginagawa sa bahay mag-isa. Face to face with people na hindi ako nahihiyang humarap at palagi kong binibigyan ng ngiti coz I'm genuinely happy seeing them maging customer man sila or kung sino man na makasalamuha ko. Then I will run or walk or magbike or do calisthenics to sweat and almost cry in agony dahil sa physical pain ng mga exercises pero tuloy lang. I post results sa social media not to portray my superiority over others but to show na desidido ako sa pagbabagong ito at kakayanin ko to hindi lang after 365 days, hindi lang after maging ok na naman ako kungdi as a way of life. Its just a matter of time actually para magstop na rin ako gamitin ang socmed for this vanity as it promotes narcissism too. I'm doing all the steps to defeat narcissism gradually. I know time will come na hindi ko na need ng likes just to fuel myself on doing these workouts and to stay alcohol free and when that time comes, I know na hindi na rin ako worst kind ng narcissist. I know I'm a narcissist and changing this is impossible as its like changing my character and personality pero I'm determined to throw away this fucked up behavior or disease at maging better version ng sarili ko. Hindi lang para saken kungdi lalot higit para sa kapwa ko.

As for June Girl, alam nya nagpasalamat na ko sa kanya for making me realized all these things that led to this changes na winoworkout ko pero never akong naging sincere sa pasasalamat na yun unlike now na talagang hindi ko mademonstrate yung appreciation ko sa  pagbago nya ng buhay ko. She's gonna be a very good girlfriend or wife sa lalaking opposite ko. Lalaking hindi narcissist, hindi mapangmata, may respeto, hindi judgemental at may true courage sa pagharap sa mga challenges ng buhay. Lalaking may disiplina at hindi kinakain ng bisyo at higit sa lahat, hindi bayolente. She deserved better and I can't wait to see her happy and worry free sa piling ng tamang tao. Happy birthday June Girl.

I finally arrived home after a very long walk at eto nga nakatapos din ako ng bagong blog entry sa wakas. The walk and this journal now made me feel better. It turns out na I'm lacking social life now kase wala ako masyado nakakausap dahil sa pinili ko maging loner so I'll meet up with college friends within this week to fill that gap. The thought of June Girl indeed contributed to that low point na masaya ako na nailahad ko din sa entry na to what went wrong to us and what I learned from that experience na sure ako na magmamanifest sa next relationship ko yung positive developments. Kung kelan yun? Hindi ko din alam. I don't wanna call it self-love coz that also sound narcissist but I think its more on rehabilitation. Until I'm fully recovered mentally and emotionally, thats the time na maybe babalik ako sa pakikipagdate. Masarap din magmahal at mahalin lalo na kung walang kulay ng extreme dominance at pagiging narcissist. Also with my heart completely closed at the moment na honestly still healing? I don't think having an intimate partner is a good idea. Time will tell and time will decide.

Effective ba ang "NO RICE" diet?

 

Bakit nga ba kagaguhan ang no rice diet? Mahigit isang buwan na rin akong tumigil sa pag-inom ng alak kasabay na din ng pakonti-konting pagdiet hanggang netong couple of weeks ago ay naachieve ko na yung simple pero consistent kong diet. May kanin pa din, andun pa din yung tipikal na ulam ng Pinoy pero ano ang nabago sa nakagawian kong pagkain?

2x lang akong kumakain ng major meal a day. 2x? "Bulaan ka (sinungaling ka)" ang tanong ng Bicolano saken. Opo, 2x lang at wala naman nakakagulat dyan dahil marami namang ganyan ang ginagawa. At sa 2x na yan, isa lang dun ang may kanin. Once lang ako magkanin pero 1 to 2 rice depende sa level ng gutom na dala ng trabaho or workout at depende sa ulam minsan. Sa usapang kanin nga pala, pag madami ka kumain ng kanin, sa oras na nagutom ka, talagang gutom na gutom ka. So ano ang next? Kakain ka ng madami (kadalasan ma-carbs na pagkain) or kakain ka ulet ng kanin. So sukatin mo din yung disiplina mo sa kanin kung kaya mo magpigil lalo't sa lunch ka lang kakain nito. Kase sa mga mas bata tulad ng below 30, walang problema. Kaya pa ng metabolism nila pero past 30 katulad ko, good luck na lang sa pag-gain weight

Sa umaga, hindi ako nag-aalmusal. Nagkakape lang ako. Pagkatapos magkape, magwowork-out na ko. Either home work out or tatakbo ako or magbabike, alin lang dun sa nabanggit. I dont go to gym kase mabilisan lang pero 6x a week akong nag-eexercise. Kinda intense up to really intense workout na consistent ang strategy ko. Then yun nga, sa tanghali lang ako kakain ng kanin. Hindi consistent na one rice lang pero consistent na meat or fish at gulay ang ulam (mahirap mag-one rice sa sinigang o nilaga, sa true lang). Then tuloy ang work hanggang hapon. Pag nagutom ako (kapag nagutom lang since minsan kape lang laban na kahit 50 degrees celsius na sa Pinas), nagmemeryenda ako. Turon, banana-que, halo-halo, kwek-kwek, chicken skin etc. Pero never na higit pa sa isa sa mga nabanggit ko, kung isang camote-que, isang stick lang. Kung kape, kape lang talaga. Then iinom ako ng maraming tubig. Actually, umiinom ako ng maraming tubig araw-araw. Tapos work ulet kase energized na. Yung gabi ang medyo may drama nang konti.

Marami ako kilala na intermittent fasting ang ibinibida. Hindi ako naging fan ng sistema na yun lalo na at mine-maintain ko na wag uminom ng alak. Anong konek? Pag gutom ka, masstress ka. Or maaaring hindi naman stress, sadyang hindi ka lang happy. At bilang dating manginginom, ang laging hinahanap ng utak ko ay ang hapiness mula sa alak pag nasstress ako. Dahil karaniwan ay pagod ka pagkalipas ng maghapong trabaho, yung sense of judgement mo o decision making mo ay hindi ganun kagaling. Exposed ka sa mga tukso tulad ng pagkain o alak o anupamang adiksyon mo. Masasabi kong extreme ang intermittent fasting although di ko sya dine-discredit kase marami namang nakapagtunay na effective yun pero not for me. Kelangan ko i-maintain yung normal mood ko para hindi magrelapse. So ano naman ang kinakain ko sa gabi?

Sibuyas na hilaw! Hindi nawawala ang sibuyas sa evening meal ko. Oo may pagka mekus-mekus sya pero at least sa gabi lang at kung amoy ang problema mo, idadigest ko naman yun at ipapawis sa work-out kinabukasan bago maligo at wala naman akong kaulayaw sa gabing pusikit so di ko problema yung amoy. Kung may partner ka naman, magtoothrush and mouthwash ka para iwas amoy (though di nga ako makarelate since singular ako). Now, bakit sibuyas? Ang sibuyas ay tumutunaw ng taba lalo na ng visceral fats na tinatawag o yung taba na nadedevelop sa internal organs natin tulad ng atay. Ang nasabing taba ay biswal na makikita sa bandang tiyan o bilbil kung tawagin ng mga marites. Sa mga lasenggo naman ay beer belly ang tawag dito. Bilang dating lasenggo, sibuyas o bawang ang nilalantakan ko para tulungang mawala ang nasabing taba lalo na yung tinatawag na love handles or yung taba sa gilid ng tiyan. Plus, pag nakatira ka ng sibuyas, hindi ka rin masyado makakaramdam ng gutom so win-win situation. Hindi nga lang talaga siya para sa lahat kase merong mga ayaw nga ng sibuyas.

Hindi naman extreme na pinapapak ko ang sibuyas. Sabi ko nga, wala akong partikular na uri ng pagkain na hindi kinakain during my diet. Itlog na pula, barbeque, isaw, atay, chicharon bulaklak, dugo, pritong tilapia, sisig at iba pa na perfect sa sibuyas, yun ang kadalasan ko hinahanap. Or else kung walang perfect na partneran ng sibuyas, dun ko lang gagawing parang mansanas ang pagkain ng sibuyas. Dahil walang kanin sa gabi, kamote or nilagang saging or maraming gulay. Pag wala yung mga nabanggit na ulam, kumakain ako ng itlog na nilaga. Mga apat na itlog, solid dinner na yun. Pag feeling "Jung Kook" ako, andyan naman yung kimchi at lettuce para lang hindi magsawa sa mga tipikal na Pinoy dishes. Sa gulay andyan ang kangkong or talbos kamote. Ampalaya at iba pang gulay na mura sa palengke, tinitira ko din yan sa gabi. May prutas din syempre pero kung ano yung in season at mas mura, yun ang pinapakyaw ko. Ang idea sa dinner na ito kung bakit solid ang protina ay para sa muscles. Ayoko namang payat tapos lalayo ako sa mga aso dahil baka pagkamalan akong buto. So kumakain ako ng protein packed meal sa gabi para mametabolize sya habang natutulog at magamit sa pag-build ng muscles. Yung fats nila since less carb ako sa gabi, yun yung magiging energy ko sa work out kinabukasan.

Ang concern ng mga solid at nerd na nagdadiet e "puro fats at cholesterol ang diet mo". Ang balik ko naman ko sa kanila, "kaya nyo kumain ng rich in anti-oxidants food tulad ng sibuyas na hindi kayo mag-iinarte in a regular basis?". Dagdag pa dun, kaya nyo bang ipawis yung mga fats na-store nyo sa katawan by consistently doing exercise? May rice pa din daw, dapat daw fiber rich bread eme na lang. Asyano tayo mga kapatid, rice is life!Bakit nyo ba ginagawang academic ang pagpapapayat o paglo-lose weight na parang college student na palaging nagsusunog ng kilay (ooops..yung iba lang)? Simplehan mo lang. Yung attainable at yung achievable lang dapat na diet program. E ano naman kung hindi perfect? Kesyo mas madami yung calories in ko kesa sa calories out. Hindi naman for perfection ang pag-diet e. Opinyon ko lang, kung sumablay ka sa routine mo sa pag-diet, make sure na babawi ka next time. At please wag masyado magastos. May pa-salad salad ka pang nalalaman. Brown rice ka pa at mga non-fat foods na pauso. Wag kang humiwalay sa norms o nakagawian ng nakakarami para lang masabi mo na kase dedicated ka, disiplinado ka at lahat na nang adjectives na bubuo sa pagka-narcissist mo. Tapos pag nakuha mo na yung result na iniintay mo at nakapagpost ka na sa social media, ano na next? I-consider mo din yung social life mo tulad ng kung hindi talaga maiwasan kumain dahil lumalantak sa handaan ang family or friends mo, maki-join ka. Act normal at ipakita mong kasama ka nila. Then if thats a cheat day, bawian mo ng work out next time tapos balik ka sa normal diet routine mo.

Para saken, ang pagdadiet ay hindi dapat maging punishment sa sarili. Food is a reward to ourselves. Kaya nga tayo nagtatrabaho para may pangkain. Ang dami-daming nagugutom sa mundo tapos ikaw, sinusupress mo sarili mo para sa figure at appearance na minimithi mo. Easyhan mo lang. Kontian mo lang yung kain tapos maging active. Or kung active ka na at sapat naman yung pag-burn mo ng calorie, bakit ka magpapaka baliw sa pagdiet? Mga construction workers, magsasaka at iba pa na highly demanding sa calorie, wala naman silang diet program na sinusunod pero bakit bato-bato katawan nila? Kung hindi naman pisikal yung routine mo araw-araw, bakit ka magko consume ng madaming carbs? Yun pala e gusto mong mag weight loss, bakit tamad ka mag-exercise? Yung excuse, hindi ka naman papapayatin nyan e. Tsaka sa kaka-excuse sarili mo lang din naman niloloko mo.

Sa point of view ko na to, pasensya na sa tatamaan. Hindi naman talaga tayo pare-pareho ng mindset sa subject matter na to and I respect our differences. Personally, ang main goal ko talaga ay tulungan ang atay ko maka-recover mula sa dating alcohol abuse ko through diet and exercise. Pero hindi ko ibe-ibetray ang kanin kahit kelan kaya rice is life pa din pero in moderation syempre. Mahirap paniwalaan lalo na ng mga anti-rice people dyan yung mga changes sa physical appearance ko sa kabila ng pagiging rice lover ko pero I post pics sa socials from time to time and judge nyo na lang (dyan naman kayo magaling. char). With rice or no rice, its up to you. Kung alin yung feeling mo e effective sayo, go lang. All in all at ang mahalaga, magdiet ka at mag-exercise para sa health mo at hindi para maging angat ka sa iba at maging center of attraction.

Walang magrerelapse! (My Anti-Tagay Journal) Alcohol free - Week 5

Isang malungkot na balita ang nakarating saken. Isang kaibigan na naman ang namaalam dahil sa alcohol abuse. I met him back in 2015 at kasama ko sya palagi sa inuman. Dati syang relihiyoso at dedicated sa christian church nila hanggang nagkanda letse buhay nya dahil sa family problem. Dahil sa alcohol addiction, nakita syang nakabulagta sa dating riles ng tren sa lugar namin na wala nang buhay. Kinakitaan sya ng sintomas ng epilepsy dati at marami ang saksi kung gaano sya kadalas inaatake nito. May suspetsang inatake sya sa lugar na yun at walang nakakita kaya hindi sya agad narescue. Nakakalungkot pero hindi nagkulang ang mga nagmamalasakit sa kanya sa paalala na tigilan na ang alcohol pero sadyang hindi sya huminto. Totoo naman kaseng napakahirap iwanan ng adiksyon lalo na kung hindi ka 100% na desididong iwan ito. Nawa'y nasa matiwasay na syang lugar.

Sa mahigit isang buwan ko nang pagtigil sa pag-inom, araw-araw pa rin akong nakikipaglaban sa relapse. Nung una e sadyang pure defensive ako at talagang very by the book sa pag-iwas sa alak pero nang marating ko ang milestone na ito, naramdaman kong unti-unti akong nagiging relaxed. Relaxed in a way na parang nagiging over confident ako na kayang kaya ko at hindi na ko babalik sa pag-inom. Wrong. Hindi ako dapat maging complacent at dapat laging aware na nandyan lang ang mga triggers para magrelapse. Kapag may attack ako ng temptation, ipinikit ko mata ko at humihinga ng malalim at sinasabi sa sarili ko na vulnerable ako at kelangan ko maging matibay. Kinakausap ko sarili ko at ipinapaalala ang mga kumplikasyon na nakuha ko sa alak at kung bakit hindi na dapat ako bumalik sa habit na yun. My inner demon will sometimes try to convince me na "Ok na naman pakiramdam mo, wala na acute gastritis mo, di ka na highblood, inom ka na ulet brod. Kundisyon na naman ang bahay alak mo.". Then suddenly mumurahin ako ng isang parte ng utak ko,"tang-*** ka wala ka na ba talagang respeto sa sarili mo?" na siyang magtataboy sa demonyong bumubulong saken. Respeto sa sarili ang pinaka key word ko tuwing nakabitin ako sa pisi ng tukso papunta sa pag-inom muli ng alak. Sa alak, mapapraning na naman ako at makakagawa ng mga stupid na mga bagay. Mawawala na naman ako sa focus at kung anu-ano na naman ang makokompromiso ko, hinding hindi na ko babalik dun. Kaya naman eto at mas lalo kong pinapalalim ang pag-intindi ko sa sarili ko. In particular, pinag-isipan ko kung ano nga ba yung mga matitinding triggers na dapat kong labanan at ano pa yung mga solusyon na nagwowork saken na dapat ko pang pagtibayin? So far heto yung mga narealize ko nagsesave saken at sure nagwowork:

Isolation - By nature, loner talaga ako. Mula pagkabata ko, I enjoy solitude. I have a rich imagination at masaya ako pag nakakagawa ako ng mga bagay-bagay sa imahinasyon ko, sa sarili kong mundo. Sa pag-iisa, narerecharge ako mula sa pakikisalamuha sa mga tao sa mahabang oras kaya kadalasan nasa bahay lang ako or anywhere basta alone. Ang problema, minsan, nasosobrahan ako ng isolation. This was my habit na nag-introduce saken sa mundo ng paglalasing mag-isa. At kahit netong mga nagdaang linggo nagdecide ako tumigil sa pag-inom, unconsciously, bumabalik na naman ako sa masyadong isolated lifestyle. Ang napansin ko, social media ang alternative na pwede mong gawin pag tamad kang lumabas. Pero hindi healthy ang social media. First it will trigger your negative emotions mula sa past. It can remind you of bitter experiences na unang titirahin yung emosyon mo then magiging moody ka and on my case, napakadali lang nito maglead sa pag-inom ng alak. Therefore, nilimitahan ko ang pagscroll-scroll and when it comes to communicating with people, I'd rather do it face to face.

Go out and interact with people. Makipagkwentuhan ka like its 1990s or early 2000s. Talk to people kahit sa strangers and see their realtime and genuine reactions. Kahit mga small talks lang pero positive at in the end e magdudulot ng ngiti e sapat na. Nabanggit ko na tumatakbo ako sa village at minsan nagiging conversation piece yung ginagawa ko like lalaban daw ba ako ng boxing. Tatawa lang ako, hihinto saglit at makikipaghuntahan tapos tatakbo na ulet. Kapag tumakbo ako sa hapon, andyan yung mga nagtitinda ng barbecue na paborito kong tambayan at yung mga nanay na magiliw na kahit di ko naman kelangan yung mga marites insiders nila e nakikinig ako at nagrereact. Syempre di maiwasan yung mga marites na medyo makati at kung hindi sila e yung anak nila ang irereto saken, yung mga ganung tipikal na Pinoy laptrip moments? Priceless yun. This is actually me revisiting and reembracing my old self. Ganito ako kagiliw dati sa mga tao nung hindi pa ko lango at nararamdaman kong narerestore ko na naman ang positive character na ito. Therefore, pag ramdam mo na na masyado kang isolated, wag social media ang gawin mong outlet. Walang katumbas ang aktwal na pakikipag-socialize sa tao.

Stress - Kahit manginginom ka ng alak or hindi, pag na-stress ka, makakaapekto yun sa kakayanan mong magdesisyon. What more kung bago ka pa lang humihinto sa pag-inom ng alak at nastress ka? Iinom ka na lang ulet para labanan yung stress? Ang stress ang pinaka nagchallenge saken sa mga unang linggo ng pag-stop ko sa pag-inom at bagamat naiintindihan ko na ang sarili ko tuwing umaatake ang stress na dapat kalmado lang ako, hindi pa rin ako nagpapaka-kumpyansa. Sa psychology, may tinatawag na fight or flight na kung saan pag dinatnan ka ng stress, lalabanan mo ba or tatakasan mo na lang? Pag pinili mo yung huli, maaaring gumawa ka ng mga bagay na extreme tulad nga ng pag-inom ng alak na ibig sabihin e hindi ka nag-fight. Sabi nga ng tropa mong concern di ba, "iinom lang natin yan tol". Its bullsh*t kase bilang isang dating manginginom, lalo lang tataas anxiety mo plus di naman nawala yung problema pagbaba ng tama mo. Kaya nanghinayang din ako sa mga pag-takas na ginawa ko sa stress sa pamamagitan ng alak. Ang dami kong nasayang na oras na sana ay ginugol ko sa paglaban at pagresolba ng mga naging stress ko. So paano ba lalabanan ang stress?

Sa tulad kong nais mamaintain ang alcohol-free lifestyle, hindi ko mairerekomenda ang paglamon. Para saken ang pagkain ng madami ay isa ring uri ng pagtakas sa stress. Ang the best na gawin ay mag-exercise at subok ko na yan. Kahit anong magpapapawis sayo, magbabawas ng stress mo yan. Then magbasa ka or makinig or manuod ka ng mga pang-may utak na podcast or vids at hindi yung mga gawa ng mga Pinoy content creators na puno ng kabobohan. Iwasan mo din yung mangalap ng mga tsismis kase sa totoo lang san mo ba gagamitin yung mga impormasyong nakalap mo tungkol sa buhay ng iba? Sa madaling salita, i-train mo yung katawan at isipan mo. I'm not saying na hindi nakakawala ng stress yung panunuod ng mga nakakakaaliw kahit hitik sa kabobohan. Relatable, catchy at madaling i-absorb ng utak di ba kaya nakakawala ng stress. Ang tanong e anong parte ng utak mo ang kayang patibayin ng mga kabobohan na yun? Try mo kayang magbasa o makinig sa mga motivational topics. Try mo kayang alamin kung paano mo pa maeenhance yung skills mo or tumuklas ka kaya ng bagong skills or hobbies. Kumanta ka kung mahilig ka kumanta. Sumayaw ka kung mahilig ka sumayaw. Mag-gitara ka kung gusto mong tumugtog. Anything na makakatulong sayo to have the mental toughness. Ang narealize ko sa stress, utak talaga ang pinaka panglaban dyan. Sa alcohol, pumurol lang nang pumurol ang utak ko hanggang hindi na ko makapag-cope up. Ngayon, ginagawa kong sandata ang tibay ng pag-iisip para labanan ang stress at para labanan ang tukso na dala ng alak.

Mga pagbabago- Breakups, single ka na naman, di ka makamove-on ay ilan lamang sa mga pagbabagong masasabi kong common na nagtetrigger ng alcoholism. Syempre andyan yung pagbabago sa trabaho or at worst nawalan ka ng trabaho at marami pang ibang halimbawa na nagtetrigger ng stress pero mainly ay cause ng pagbabago na ang ilan ay hindi natin control. May mga positive din na mga pagbabago pero hindi positive ang epekto lalo na sa mga nagnanais huminto sa alak. Tulad ng bagong kaibigan na bad influence or bagong grupo na kelangan mong pag-adjust-an. Marami pang halimbawa na hindi ko na iisa-isahin bagkus ay i-check natin paano ba tayo mananatiling alcohol free sa kabila ng nasabing trigger?

It took me months to cope up sa break up na pinanggalingan ko. Within those periods, nagtry akong tumigil sa pag-inom ng alak kase alam kong yun ang lumalason sa akin at nagko-cause ng pagbagal ng recovery ko pero bigo ako. Nung finally tumigil na ko sa pag-inom, unti-unti na kong bumalik sa normal. Sobrang bilis ng pagbalik ng ulirat ko sa reyalidad and without a single drop of alcohol sa sistema ko, nakamove on agad ako. Saan pumapasok yung relapse dito? Papasok ang relapse kung hindi mo eenjoyin ang transition na ginawa mo from being broken to being ok. Ito yung isang pagbabago na kaya mong kontrolin sa pamamagitan ng hindi muna paglandi. Dahil sa break-up, naging alone ka. E di enjoyin mo yung pagiging single. Gawin mong normal na single ka sa mahabang panahon. Kung magbago man ang takbo ng sitwasyon at magka-lovelife ka ulet, make sure na hindi mo finorce mangyari at nangyari yun naturally. Ninamnam mo yung bawat aspeto ng change na yun at alam mo na ang dapat gawin sa sandaling mangyari ulet yun. Hindi ka na magrerelapse.

Yung mga pagbabago na hindi mo masyadong kontrol or wala ka talagang control at all, hindi yun dahilan para magrelapse ka. Dyan na papasok yung disiplina na applicable naman sa lahat nang sitwasyon pero mas kailangan mo sa mga bagay lalo na di mo kontrol or di mo gamay. Manatili kang compose, pag-aralan mo with clear mind at hindi lasing. Kung may mga bago kang kelangan pakisamahan na malakas mag-impluwensya, magpakilala ka na agad sa kanila at kunin mo yung respeto nila. If the change is triggered halimbawa bigla kang nabunkrupt, stressful yan. Dyan na papasok yung binanggit ko sa taas na mag-ipon ka ng knowledge and learn how to bounce back. If the change is positive at halimbawa bigla kang sumikat as influencer at nagkaron ka ng madaming pera, nagkaroon ka ng matinding pressure sa circle ng mga kalevel mo, prove to yourself na may paninindigan ka at respeto sa sarili na hindi ka na babalik sa pagiging gumon sa alak.

Ang mga nabanggit ko ay nag-aapply lamang sa mga taong nasadlak sa adiksyon at umiiwas sa tinatawag ngang relapse. Ang moderate drinkers siguro ay hindi makakarelate pero congrats sa pagmaintain ng pagiging moderate drinker. Wala akong against sa inyo, just keep it up. Basta wag nyo kalimutan na lahat ng heavy drinkers ay nagsimula sa moderate.

Sa ngayon, yan ang mga ideas na naisip ko kung paano ako mag-cope up at nasa process pa din ako ng pagpapatunay na effective yang mga yan at magwowork yan. Nakasalalay ang credibility ko sa mga nasabi kong yan pero higit sa lahat ay ang self-respect ang nais ko talagang i-establish dyan. Its another set of challenge na dagdag sa kuleksyon ng mga hamon na nais kong pagtagumpayan. Sa puntong ito, ineencourage ko pa din ang kahit sino na magsaliksik para sa mga sarili nyo kung ano ang best methods ng alcohol abstinence na pwede nyo i-adopt kase iba-iba naman tayo ng hugot. Basta ang masasabi ko lang, seryosohin natin to. Sana paglaon, magkita-kita tayong nasa mas maayos na kalagayan na may pride at taas noong ipinagmamalaki na nagtagumpay tayo sa hamon na to.

Win Each Day! - Alcohol Free Day 30 (#365_Days_Alcohol_Free_Challenge)

Presenting my first milestone on this journey! I'm on a day 30th of not even a single drop of alcohol enters my system.Wow! This time, let me tell you a detailed story on how I fight each day to be alcohol free and how determined I am on getting through this challenge.

Just a little recap on why I'm so driven to achieve this challenge for those who don't understand my language (as majority of my posts are in Filipino). I've been alcoholic for years and it already destroyed a lot from me e.g. career/jobs, health and relationships. I've gone through the most difficult 72 hrs of my life when I decided to quit drinking that the anxiety level almost made me quit on life. My love ones saved me when I wholeheartedly opened up to them about my problems and how I wanted to turn my life around. The first critical part of quitting addiction is the support system which thankfully I already recognized. On this vital element though, you have to set aside your pride and ego and be completely submissive to everything that they are about to say as it varies from culture to culture (I believe). I remember my mom mocking me and belittling me when I opened up to her but then showcased tough love and opted to emphasize her full support by challenging me to maintain or even surpassed the respect that they still have on me. She said she’s tired of me fooling around about quitting for years but not showing seriousness of any level so she hopes this time its for real and I will finally be able to make her proud. She walked me through about how my uncles, cousins and other relatives died from alcohol through various alcohol-related diseases and it was hard for her to lose yet another love one due to alcohol. My mother’s statement is the strongest one compared to my siblings and friends as she’s still coping up from the lost of my father and sister just couple years ago. My father died due to heart complications due to years of smoking and drinking and my sister followed due to breast cancer which may not be alcohol related but a reminder that I’m not a special case and more vulnerable to related illness if I don't quit alcohol. That conversation with my mom whom I haven’t had such type of conversation with for years really raised the bar on how serious should I become on this journey. I bet you too at some point needed inspiration and uplifting motivational words from somebody and parents will certainly not let you down. You just have to prepare yourself on some harsh words at the beginning but its all love overall. Trust me on that.

As I go along on my journey to zero-alcohol intake on the first 365 days, there are heroes who unexpectedly took the spot to help me out. Friends whom I hadn’t had contacts for years sent words of encouragement when I posted my cause in social media. I appreciate their support and pressure grows on why I need to prove that I can as my reputation is on a stake. A very unexpected individual who joined my support system squad is my ex’s mother whom had been always welcoming and exceptionally nice even from day one that I was introduced to her. Apparently, she lost her husband due to alcohol abuse and have so much to say about quitting such substance as the cost is truly enormous both to the person who abused it and to his/her love ones. She said that she could’ve added more enthusiasm and perseverance on convincing her now deceased partner to quit alcohol while she still can. She demonstrated feeling of guilt and regret when it was already too late when she figured she could've tried harder to make him quit but decided to move on and learn from it. She made me think that abusing alcohol (or any kinds of toxic substance) is also a form of selfishness on some extreme situations as you exchange the love of the ones who care for you with the pleasure you get from your vice.  It really touched my heart and just like my mom’s unconditional love, she portrays a very transparent and sincere act of encouragement out of her own experience. Additionally, she said that I’m no stranger at all to them and she wishes that I succeed on this cause as it’s me who’s going to reap the fruit of my hardships at the end of the day. Speaking of fruit, she would give me stuff that are good to my health (melts my heart really) and never fails to cheer me up on each development on my physique and overall character as this journey goes along. A truly exceptional person I must say and it might be ironic and some might find it awkward or cringey but hey, I count each and every support that I get from people and I don’t discriminate. Humility will take you far on whatever journey you choose to have and as long as you’re in good conscience that you can return the favor in one way or another, you are in a good spot. They are also a family to me and I make sure that even in a small way, I get to bring them smile and joy.

I can’t stress enough how support system plays a vital role in this change that I’m trying to impose to myself. Even my landlord who supplies my booze in almost everyday basis when I was at the height of my intoxication showed support instead of raising their eyebrows. I contribute to a large chunk of their income from selling booze to their tenants but when she noticed that I’m no longer buying “redhorse” (a brand of beer) from them and instead saw me running around the village often, she showed a high level of support and also encouragement that I keep doing what I’m doing. She’s my number one fan now and who needs a weighing scale when someone is persistent on letting you know in everyday basis whether you are gaining weight or not? Thankfully and according to her, she cannot see my beer belly anymore and I keep looking better each day. Now she’s scolding her grandson who keeps gaining weight due to slacking and overeating and wants him to join me on my morning runs. But he's still a teenager and I was once like him who don’t give a sh*t. Hopefully one day he joins me though as it’s going to be fun for sure.

My training regimen is not a joke. I mentioned in my previous post how I crave for motivational contents and I consume them real time. I work out before and after work each day with a day rest on Sundays for some spiritual related stuff. I don’t do it out of impulsiveness (which I always make sure of), instead more on a habit-forming activity. Like I would run (or do cycling) in the morning then do some home work outs in the evening. Consistency is what I’m after as well as discipline which I vow to attain slowly but surely. Hence, I do things gradually and make sure I won’t be burned out by slowly adding intensity each time. I’m not gonna be in a body building competition and I’m not crazy about that instagramabble bullsh*t so I train just enough for my body to get better and my mind to kick the desire for alcohol. Running clears mind and I was skeptical at it at first but it really works to prevent relapse. Speaking of relapse, I always tell myself that this tendency is just always around the corner and I have friends who will always challenge my perseverance but I count them as well as my motivation. While its still hard to refuse them, I make sure that I decline politely and hopefully one day they appreciate what I’m doing and apply to themselves too. I get praise from some of them as the physical transformation is slowly becoming visible while others express insecurities but not showing any hint of trying for themselves though that’s their own business. Moving on, the only challenge that I’m still battling on my daily regiment is sleep. My circadian rhythm is still unstable and I still suffer from sleep deprivation sometimes. I learned that it is normal for those who had been into deep alcohol problem so aside from measures to combat such discrepancy, I see to it that I don’t relapse as I’m already aware that sleep is not my friend. I’ve been a nocturnal for a very long time as I used to work at night so I’ll let time to take over mostly on the sleep department which I believe is achievable as long as I’m consistent on these good habits. I’m very aware that when you lack sleep, you’re decision making is in jeopardy and decision making is vital everyday whether you will cheat on your diet, skip exercise or at worst whether you’ll have at least a sip of booze to mention a few. I remember someone gave me melatonin before to help me sleep, as you consume it though through time, the tolerance grows and it becomes less effective. Still shout out to her for such a show of concern but I now prefer the natural way of falling asleep. Additionally (and this is just my observation), I tend to feel groggy and less active after I wake up from melatonin and feeling less active so its against my new found regimen, such pill is not for me.

This post is getting longer and I still have so many things to say but I don’t wanna sound like I’ve already achieved so much. I’m still a work in progress and I wake up each day with such mindset to boost my desire to keep working to be better. For now, support system is the most vital for me which helps my mental health and relationship with people to improve. I can now talk to people eye to eye with genuine reactions and spontaneity. I used to be very moody, easily irritated and easily offended but not anymore through the course of this sobriety. In fact, I welcome criticisms with open heart and draw something positive from it. Next is my physical activities which provides an obvious transformation and help me gain a bit of instant respect from people who used to see me as bloated, plump, drunkard bloke. I avoid excuse to not move my a*s and sweat. Like I said, I’m not particularly after having a chiseled, tiktok worthy like body so I don’t bother taking time to prepare and pay for the gym except maybe if the weather or the place is not conducive for a workout. But remember Mike Tyson maintained to be in shape even during his prison time which means you can pretty much work out anywhere, no excuse. I aim to share my diet, my choice of food on my next post but expect that its not that fancy or spectacular like what you see in youtube or facebook. One thing for sure, having no alcohol helps you lose weight. Also, I don’t do intermittent fasting. I thought that one deprives my dopamine release which is critical for someone who’s avoiding relapse. Overall, I feel great!

I do believe that I’ve already laid out the foundation and no one can stop me to solidify it and make it robust to stand challenges brought by temptations. I tell to myself each day that I didn’t choose this change because I need it, I want it and I want it really bad. I feel like a pressure being put to one’s self is enormous if a thing they want to implement is out of a great necessity. You have to like what you are doing so you can do it with greater and satisfying result. Lastly, don’t forget that small victories count so win each day. A day without alcohol is a day of victory!