Lalaki ako pero I find it offensive na maging object ng lust lalo na ng kapwa ko lalaki. I've never been a homophobic and I have friends na part ng LGBTQ so I have nothing against them. But when my good intention to just show my progress in social media about my alcohol-free journey become sexualized, a lot of things went to my mind.
Recently, I found out how worst my narcissism is and how it started these fuck ups I'm having including my alcoholism. As a natural narcissist, I automatically post all things good about myself in social media kase kelangan ko ng "supply". That means attention, gratitude, approval and everything nice na sasabihin saken ng tao. Later on, I noticed something was wrong. It appears na mene-maintain ko na lang ang looks ko to be aesthetically pleasing by not drinking alcohol and nagpe-fade na yung pinakamalalim na dahilan kung bakit ako huminto sa pag-inom. After my long walk with nothing on my ears and just a simultaneous talking to myself, I decided to quit social media and keep my progress to myself. Ang babaw na kase and the attentions I'm getting are also making me feel weak hence pushing me slowly to go back to my bad habits of flaunting more and getting by with people na walang konsepto ng self discipline.
From now on, I don't need recognition, attention and all the glitters and glamour online world has to offer. I gotta kill my narcissism by disabling the primary source of it in modern times which is the social media. I'm still doing good, still in a tip top shape and improving a lot. Alcohol still hasn't touched my system and I'm very proud of it. But again, unless you're a reader and doesn't need to consume visual inputs para maniwala ka saken, dun mo lang siguro makikita yung sincerity ko. Again, I don't crave for approval anymore. Sapat na yung ilang buwan na nakarecieve ako ng messages of supports and I'll take all of them with me sa entirety ng quest na to with my sincere thanks sa mga taong naniwala saken.
With this another challenge that I implemented to my life, I hope things get much better. Its been 6 days since I stopped consuming soc med contents and I felt freedom and peace. I know it will only get better as days go by and I'm excited to be free from temptations which I still have so far but I'm determined to beat them. Along with soc med cessation, I also started avoiding porn and though I'm not really addicted to it, I aim for absolute withdrawal sa habit ng panunuod ng porn to rewire my brain and look at things with zero lust. Kase tingin ko kaya ako nagiging object ng lust coz I do have the same in me towards another.
I began to hang out with my true friends and the face to face interaction is indeed beautiful. We sat for hours talking about adult stuff with sense. Something na hindi namin nagawa for a long time. I mean this group na saksi sa lahat ng kulay ng pagkatao ko, never nila ako iniwan. I'll stick with them and I will do everything I can to be the best person na maaasahan nila sa time na sila din ang nangangailangan ng emotional support.
Things are getting more and more clear to me as days go by. I see improvements and from now on, aside from my alcohol free journey, I will also write about my thoughts related to quitting social media and porn. These are all due to one goal and that is to beat my narcissism and be back on track sa mas simple, mas magaan at mas peaceful na buhay.
Take care everyone.
