The Sweet Betrayer That’s Been Playing You for a Fool

"Self-discipline is saying no to the things that betray you in disguise."
— Probably a time-traveling version of me, warning my past self about sugar.

Alright, listen up, sugar addicts and closet snack hoarders. If you still think sugar is some innocent, harmless treat, you’re in for a reality check. Sugar isn’t your buddy—it’s a two-faced backstabber that lures you in with a dopamine rush before leaving you an anxious, bloated mess. And the worst part? You keep running back, like a hopeless romantic chasing a toxic ex.

Today, we’re putting sugar on trial. No mercy. No sweet-talking. Just the raw, ugly truth.

The Moment I Realized Sugar Was Screwing Me Over

Picture this: It’s lunchtime, and after eating a “balanced” meal, I reward myself with something sweet—because, you know, I "deserve it" (spoiler alert: I didn’t). Fifteen minutes later, my heart starts racing. My energy dips. Suddenly, I’m stressed about things I wasn’t even thinking about five minutes ago. By the time my shift ends, I’m exhausted, irritable, and on the verge of questioning my entire existence.

Science backs this up: A 2017 study found that men who consume excessive sugar are 23% more likely to develop depression. Another study shows that sugar spikes your blood sugar like a rocket before dropping it like a deadbeat dad—leaving you tired, cranky, and craving another hit. Sugar is a scam. A legal, socially accepted scam.

My Sugar-Free Awakening: From Jittery Mess to Battle-Ready

Quitting sugar wasn’t just a diet change—it was an exorcism.

At first, my body protested like a spoiled brat. Cravings hit hard. But once I pushed through, I felt unstoppable. My focus sharpened, my energy levels stabilized, and my mood stopped acting like a gender-swapping crab (yes, some crabs can change gender when needed, just like sugar messes with your hormones when you least expect it).

No more sugar crashes. No more mid-afternoon existential crises. Just raw, unfiltered energy ready to take on anything. Science explains it: Sugar wreaks havoc on your gut, causing inflammation that directly affects your brain. Translation? Sugar doesn’t just make you fat—it makes you stupid.

The Sneaky Little Bitch That’s Everywhere

You think you’re safe because you don’t eat cakes and candy? Guess what? Sugar is hiding in your “healthy” yogurt, your “light” dressing, your damn breakfast cereal. Reading food labels is like trying to decode enemy intel—except the enemy is winning, and you’re unknowingly funding its war against your health.

And don’t even get me started on the social aspect. Try skipping dessert at a party and watch people look at you like you just declared war on fun. The pressure to conform is real, but here’s a fact: Every time you cave, you’re feeding your addiction, not your happiness.

A Time-Traveling Slap to My Past Self

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and roundhouse kick that Snickers bar out of my hand. “You don’t deserve this, idiot,” I’d say. “You think you’re ‘treating’ yourself, but you’re just signing up for mood swings and brain fog. Put the sugar down and eat your kamote instead (or boiled banana or anything whole foods).”

My past self wouldn’t listen. He’d probably laugh, shove another cookie in his mouth, and say, “Relax, bro, it’s just sugar.” That’s exactly why my present self exists—to warn you before you repeat my mistakes.

What I Gained Since Kicking Sugar to the Curb

Now that I’ve ditched sugar, I’m operating on a whole different level. My energy is consistent. My mood is steady. My brain actually functions without needing a constant glucose IV drip.

I feel like a high-performance machine—not some rusty tricycle barely making it up the hill. The best part? I don’t feel deprived. I feel free. Free from cravings, free from crashes, and free from the bullshit lie that sugar is “happiness.”

To All the "Sugar is Life" Deniers

If you're still out here defending sugar like it’s some kind of sacred relic, let me ask you something: Do you feel amazing every day? Do you wake up energized, mentally sharp, and emotionally stable? No? Then maybe—just maybe—sugar isn’t the friend you think it is.

If you’re a grown-ass adult still out here saying, “But I need my sweets,” take a hard look in the mirror. Your sagging man-boobs and energy levels, your sluggish afternoons, your rollercoaster moods—they’re all red flags. Sugar has been playing you for a fool. It’s time to wake up.

Final Roundhouse Kick: The Science of Staying Sharp

Here’s the undeniable truth: Sugar fuels inflammation, hijacks your brain’s reward system, and turns you into an energy-craving zombie. It’s not just about weight—it’s about your mind, your discipline, and your ability to function at your peak.

Winners don’t rely on sugar. They rely on discipline, discomfort, and delayed gratification.

So here’s my challenge to you: Drop the sugar. Reclaim your focus. Master yourself. Because the best version of you isn’t found in a candy wrapper—it’s forged through self-control and a refusal to be played by something as stupid as sugar.

Now, get out there and prove that you’re not just another weak-willed pawn in sugar’s game. Own your mind, own your body, and leave that sweet betrayer in the dust.

 

Time to Win in Silence: The Humility vs. Entitlement War

“Discipline is doing what needs to be done, even when you don’t feel like doing it.”
— Unknown (but probably some badass who got tired of excuses)

Alright, listen up Karens of all genders. If you’re cruising through life thinking you deserve a red carpet just because you exist, it’s time for a reality check. Comfort might feel like that cozy blanket on a cold day, but let’s be real: it’s also the sneaky saboteur that makes you soft, lazy, and ultimately, weak.

Entitlement: The Sneaky Sucker Punch

Ever catch yourself thinking, “Hey, I deserve the VIP treatment because I’m awesome”? Yeah, we’ve all been there. But entitlement isn’t a golden ticket—it’s more like a rigged game where the house always wins. I’ve been guilty of it, pushing my ex to fix things because I felt I was owed something just because we once had a spark. Surprise, surprise: that mindset only made things worse, turning love into a power play.

And don’t even get me started on the “I deserve” vibe I carried into adulthood. Growing up with deprivation, I convinced myself I was owed a jackpot later in life. News flash: life doesn’t dole out prizes for past hardships—it hands you work, sweat, and sometimes a face full of reality.

Humility: The Kick in the Pants We All Need

Now, imagine flipping the script. Instead of screaming for attention like a broken videoke machine, what if you just worked your ass off quietly? Take my fitness journey, for instance. I used to flood social media with every flex and PR—until I realized I was just trading sweat for empty likes. I pulled the plug on that noise and started grinding in silence. The result? I built discipline like a boss and discovered that genuine growth doesn’t need an audience.

Being humble means you’re too busy crushing your goals to care about applause. It means realizing that your worth isn’t measured by external validation, but by the relentless grind you put in every single day. It’s about clapping for yourself in the mirror and giving yourself a high-five when no one else is around.

The Perils of Overindulging in Comfort

Here’s the deal: home is a double-edged sword. Sure, it’s a sanctuary, but it’s also a trap. Netflix, YouTube, endless scrolling—they’re like little sweet nothings whispering, “Come on, take it easy.” And before you know it, you’re binge-watching your life away, and that hunger for achievement? It goes to hell.

When you start getting too cozy, you feel threatened. That nagging fear that someday, all this comfort will vanish, and you’ll be left soft, unprepared, and crying in a pile of missed opportunities. Missing a workout isn’t just a physical setback—it’s a mental landmine. The slack gets you anxious, irritable, and opens the door for old, lazy habits to creep back in. And trust me, your mind is a ruthless critic when you let it.

Winning in Silence: The Ultimate Power Move

Here’s the secret sauce: winning in silence isn’t about hiding your successes; it’s about letting them build you up from within. When you don’t need to announce every little victory, you learn to love the grind itself. You become your own hype squad. The truth is, real strength is forged in those moments when you push through discomfort with zero fanfare.

It’s like this: if you’re hungry for validation, you’re never truly satisfied. But if you train like you’ve got nothing to prove, you’ll eventually wake up one day and realize you’ve been leveling up while everyone else was busy snapping selfies.

Dump the Entitlement, Embrace the Hustle

So, here’s my challenge to you: the next time you catch yourself expecting the world to roll out the red carpet, take a step back and ask, “Am I really earning this?” Stop waiting for approval and start working for your wins in silence. Your future self will thank you for not letting entitlement derail your hustle.

Remember: comfort is a seductive liar. It whispers that you’re safe, that you deserve to chill. But the moment you get too comfortable, you’re slowly signing up for a life of mediocrity. Get out there, kick discomfort in the face, and build a legacy that doesn’t need a microphone to be heard.

 

 

Comfort Betrays Us When We Trust It

“We don’t rise to the level of our expectations; we fall to the level of our training.” — Archilochus

There’s an undeniable truth that few people dare to acknowledge: comfort is the enemy of strength. The moment you embrace ease for too long, you start to decay—physically, mentally, emotionally. We like to tell ourselves that we are at our best when we are at peace, but the reality is, true growth happens in the fire, in the grind, in the moments where every part of you wants to stop, but you force yourself forward anyway.

These thoughts have been drilling into my mind tonight, especially as I push myself to stay consistent in this fitness-driven, alcohol-free lifestyle that I’ve chosen. This is my battlefield, and I refuse to retreat.

Discomfort: The Path to Strength

“Be comfortable with being uncomfortable.” — David Goggins

This isn’t just some motivational mantra—it’s a way of life. The strongest people I admire—Goggins, Jocko, and other warriors of discipline—live by this creed. It’s not about merely enduring hardship; it’s about hunting it down and dominating it.

Physically, discomfort has transformed me. Every burning rep, every brutal run, every moment where my body screams for rest but I push anyway—those are the moments that forge me. Mentally, the pain keeps me sharp. Emotionally, it has made me resilient. I used to be at the mercy of extreme highs and lows. Now, the suffering I choose to endure voluntarily has brought balance, discipline, and control.

The more I embrace suffering on my own terms, the less anything in this world can shake me.

 The Threat of Complacency

“Comfort makes you weak.”

There is nothing more dangerous than prolonged ease.

The second I start feeling too comfortable, I feel threatened. Why? Because I know that comfort is temporary. One day, it will be ripped away, and if I’ve allowed myself to soften, I will pay the price.

When I skip a workout, it’s not just my body that suffers. Anxiety creeps in, old weaknesses resurface, and negativity floods back in. I feel sluggish. Restless. My mind starts itching for pointless conflicts, for distractions, for unnecessary noise. But when I push myself to exhaustion? Silence. Focus. Control.

I’ve learned that physical tiredness isn’t just about building muscle—it’s about silencing the demons of complacency.

Your Environment is a Comfort’s Trap

Your environment is either your weapon or your weakness.

Home should be a place of recovery, but I’ve seen firsthand how it can become a breeding ground for weakness. The couch, the screen, the endless loop of YouTube videos and Netflix shows (I quit social media, so that’s one less enemy)—all of it is designed to make you passive.

I tell myself I’m “learning” or “relaxing,” but too much of it leads to softness.

The biggest danger? It’s not just inactivity—it’s the mindset shift. When I’m too relaxed, I become creative, sure—but at what cost? Overthinking. Doubt. Hesitation. And hesitation is weakness in its purest form.

At this point, I know it’s no longer about fear—it’s about discipline. And I refuse to go back to being the person who didn’t care when he missed a challenge. Now, I feel it. I carry it. And I don’t allow myself to accept it.

Balancing Intensity and Rest

“Rest is necessary. Weakness is a choice.”

Yes, recovery matters. But real recovery doesn’t come from mindless entertainment, distractions, or numbing indulgences. It comes from deep sleep. Meditation. Structured recovery.

I struggle with guilt when I slow down, and maybe that’s a good thing. Because I know how easy it is to let rest become an excuse for laziness.

There’s a fine line between resting to rebuild and resting to escape. And I refuse to cross it.

The Challenge of Staying Uncomfortable

There is no finish line. No moment where you “arrive” and can finally relax. Growth is war. And the war never stops.

Every day, I choose to fight. To run when my body says stop. To lift when my muscles beg for mercy. To push when my mind whispers “enough.”

Because in those moments of discomfort, I am not just building strength—I am proving to myself that I will never settle.

So here’s my challenge to you, the same one I give myself every single day:

Find one thing today that makes you uncomfortable—and do it anyway.

See how it changes you.

Because the best version of yourself isn’t waiting in the warmth of comfort—it’s out there, in the fire, waiting for you to step into the flames.

“If you want to be tough, train in tough conditions. If you want to be strong, embrace the pain of growth. If you want to truly live, stop seeking comfort and start seeking challenge.”

— Truly yours.

Good night.

Alcohol free month 11! I'm now writing a book.

Nearly a year has passed since I embraced absolute sobriety. And today, another test came—one that nearly tempted me to break the vow I made to myself: to never drink again.

What’s ironic? The very person who once pushed me to quit drinking is now the same one nudging me to take a break from this “no-alcohol” streak, as if it was only ever meant to be temporary.

But I don’t feel offended. I don’t feel annoyed. I know it was a sincere gesture, just an offer made without malice. Even I am surprised—my original goal was just 365 days of sobriety. But now? I want more. I want more than a year. I want a lifetime.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Aristotle

Now that alcohol is no longer in my system, the clarity I experience every day is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I realize I’ve been missing myself for so long. It feels as if, after years of being lost, I have finally reconnected with the person I was always meant to be. And that feeling? Liberating.

I have reclaimed my life. I have a life.

And because of that, I am setting another goal—one that will push me beyond my limits. But before that, let me take a moment to honor what I’ve already achieved.

Physically, this is the strongest, fittest, and most confident version of myself that I have ever seen. And just as I refuse to relapse into alcohol, I have no intention of stopping this “alindog program.” In three years, I’ll be hitting 40, and I want to walk into that milestone with the physique of King Leonidas from 300. Laugh all you want, doubt me if you must—but watch me. I will prove it. Again and again and again.

“The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot

Now, for my third goal:

I will finish my novel.

For over a year, I have poured my soul into writing. It’s hard. Harder than I ever expected. I’ve written countless drafts, only to throw most of them away. But after completing the prologue and first chapter, I know—I can do this. Just as I fought for sobriety, just as I built my body from the ground up, I will fight to finish this book.

One year. I am giving myself one year.

I don’t care how many nights I spend rewriting, revising, and throwing pages away. If I can write ten times a week but walk away satisfied with just one piece, that’s already a victory.

“If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot.” – Stephen King

This blog will be my witness. You will be my witness. And above all, I will be my own witness—because I refuse to betray myself again.

I will stay sober. I will stay fit. And I will finish my book.

Mark my words.

Warning to Myself

 10 months na nang sinimulan ko ang alcohol free journey ko at masasabi kong tagumpay ako kahit di ko pa nakukumpleto ang 12 months. Sa ngayon ay parang polishing na lang ng mga magagandang habit na naestablish ko ang ginagawa ko kase di pa rin ako nagpapaka kumpyansa na hindi ako magrerelapse. Unless masolidify ko ang methods ko kung panu ko namaintain ang alcohol free lifestyle, dun ko lang masasabi na kaya ko nang maging alcohol-free sa mga natitira pang taon ng buhay ko.

May concern lang ako na dati ko pang narerealize pero lately ko lang talagang pinagbuhusan ng pansin. Yun ay ang maging complacent o pagiging sobrang kumportable. Maganda ang pasok saken ng taon financially speaking pero katumbas nito ay ang temptation na naman na magpaeasy-easy. Inagapan ko na ang pag-warning sa sarili ko na kapag sumablay ako ng sunod sunod, magiging weak na naman ako at baka maging asshole na naman ako at tuluyang bumalik sa dating gawi.

I have symptoms na naman ng addictive personality ko at ang narcissistic tendency ko ay unti-unti na namang sumisimple sa mga simpleng interaction ko sa ibang tao. Sa addictive personality ko, may mga unconscious behavior na naman ako na lumalabas tuwing nasstress ako ng husto tulad ng desire ko na kumonek sa taong kinaadikan ko, my ex. Kung nakafollow ka sa previous entries ko, nabanggit ko dun how I managed to not even send a tiny hint to her that I'm thinking of her sa mga times na nadadaan sya sa isipan ko. Dahil just because I can, doesn't mean I should. Aside from the fact na wala akong business sa kanya, hindi rin wasto na kapag stressed ako e iche-chase ko yung relief through her (na sobrang nakasanayan ko nung kami pa). Ang golden rule ko sa recovery ay do not rely on anyone but yourself kahit gaano katempting to get a relief sa taong nagbigay sayo ng sobrang comfort dati. Kung hindi kayo in good terms, let go and go on with your life. Period.

With my good shape, good results from working out na no doubt e makikita na sa pisikal kong anyo, I'm starting to look down on people at unt-unti na naman akong nagiging entitled dahil may naachieve na naman ako. Minumura ko sarili ko minsan dahil nangako ako na hindi na ko magiging narcissist pero pag nalingat lang ako o saglit na nakalimot, nakakapanlait agad ako, nakakapagmataas agad ako. I know na minsan e mga biruan lang with my colleagues pero kelangan kong i-work out ang pagiging sensitive. May kanya kanya tayong buhay.

Ang naisip kong susi para solusyonan ang mga nabanggit kong problema ay ang "wag pakakampante" na attitude. I know na broad sya at parang dark kung papakinggan pero ang gusto ko lang sabihin e wag ugaliing maging kumportable kase ang pagiging kumportable ang dahilan kung bakit nagpe-fail ang mga katulad kong nagrerecover pa din. Kaya ilan sa mga strict activities ko everyday to win each day ay ang mga sumusunod:

1. Tumatakbo ako ng alas singko ng umaga - Dati pa ako tumatakbo ng regular pero walang eksaktong schedule. Pero ngayon, tuwing alas singko, hindi na ako pumapalya. Ito ay para makondisyon ko kagad ang katawan ko sa mga shit na maeexperience ko sa maghapon. Sa pagtakbo sa umaga, kahit gaano ka-inconvenient, nararamdaman ko yung disiplina na lalong lumalakas sa sistema ko. Gusto ko tong habit na to kase bago pa lang pumutok ang araw, yung energy ko sobrang taas na.

2. Receptive sa mga hamon sa trabaho - Di na ko pala-complain o kung anupamang kahambugan sa trabaho lalo na pag nahihirapan at puro excuse. Walang madaling trabaho! Kumilos ka at gawin mo nang naaayon sa role mo. Tanggapin mo ang new assignments at wag puro reklamo. Walang growth kung walang challenge. 

3. Afternoon workout - Binubuhos ko lahat ng stress ko sa workout kesa mag stress eating at humilata. Oo nakakapagod physically magbuhat at mag-grind sa gym sa oras na dapat nagpapahinga ka na kase tapos na trabaho mo. Pero itong gym ang pinaka number 1 na source ng discomfort na pinaka epektib. Kahit nakapag-cardio na ko sa umaga, itutuloy ko pa rin ang pag weights kase pag natengga ako sa bahay o kung saanpaman na kumportable at nagpapasarap, kung anu-anong kabaluktutan na naman ang pumapasok sa isip ko.

3. Mindfulness pagkatapos ng nakakapagod na araw - Kinukumusta ko sarili ko bago ako matulog at nirerate ko kung gaano ako naging kasuccesful sa kada araw. Small wins pero counted. Then wala nang kung anu-anong kabulastugan, pagkatapos ng pagmumuni-muni, pahinga na.

Target ko tong gawing consistent. So far isang buwan ko pa lang syang strictly nagagawa at walang palya (I'm so proud btw). Pero going sa 12th month ng pagiging alcohol-free ko, kasama kong ise-celebrate ang tagumpay ko sa paglaban sa pagiging average. Average na grabe magconsume ng comfort, tamang scroll sa socmed at kung anu-ano pang kwentong katamaran at procrastination. Well hindi ako average! Palagi kong iche-chase ang discomfort kase proven na effective yan para magkaroon ng growth. Kung hindi ko niyakap ang discomfort, baka hindi pa din ako nakakarecover hanggang ngayon.

Lastly, ang warning na palagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko...wag na muna akong maghanap ng sakit ng ulo. Mahal ko sarili ko at alam kong capable akong magmahal na muli ng totoo pero sobrang aga pa mula sa previous failure ko. Chill muna ako hanggang I'm as hard as nails na kahit ang rejection o failure sa relasyon ay hinding hindi na ko matitibag.

Hindi ako magrerelapse

 

New Year's Eve 2025 nang pagtulungan ako pangaralan ng kuya at tito ko tungkol sa pag-inom ng alak. Para bang diring diri sila na kasalamuha ako habang hawak ang bote ng tubig samantalang sila'y baso ng redhorse ang tangan. Puspusan ang pagkumbinsi nila saken na magrelapse para sa okasyon na yun. Tanging para sa New Year lang naman daw na mas meaningful kung lahat kami ay umiinom. As if hindi pa sapat ang presensya ko na sa kabila ng temptation ng alak na nasa harap ko ay pinilit kong humarap sa kanila bagamat hindi ako umiinom ng serbesang tinatagay nila. Konti na lang at bibigay na ko sa matinding pagkumbinsi nila pero nanatili akong matatag at dinaan na lang ang lahat sa ngiti. Goal ko talaga na kunin ang respeto nila at sila na lang ang mapagod sa pagkumbinsi saken. Nagtagumpay ako at hindi na nila ako ginambala pagkalipas ilang sandali. Na-divert ang usapan sa ibang bagay at parang walang nangyaring nakisali ako sa tawanan nila. May kirot ng konti sa loob ko pero first time sa buong buhay ko na nanindigan ako ng ganito katindi. Personally, I found great pride deep inside at hindi ko nafeel na nabawasan ang pagkalalaki ko bagkus ay lalo pa kong tumibay at naging masculine. Hinding hindi ako pwedeng magrelapse.

Last week ng March 2024 nang huli akong makatikim ng alak. Yun din ang time na lugmok na lugmok ako at gusto ko nang i-give up ang lahat. Sa kagandahang palad, sa pamamagitan ng gamunggong katinuan na natitira pa sa sistema ko, nagawa kong baliktarin ang sitwasyon at simulan ang pagbabago. Di ko na halos madescribe ang pinagdaanan kong hirap at sakripisyo para sa pagbabagong yun. Malungkot at na-isolate ako nang husto. Pero sabi ko, wala akong hindi kakayanin...kaya ko to. For the first time in my life, lumaban ako ng buong giting at di gumive up. May mga time na tumatakbo ako na magkahalong pawis at luha ang umaagos sa mukha ko. Pero laban lang! Pag nagrelapse ako, ginive up ko na din ang natitira pang respeto na meron ako sa sarili ko. Hinding hindi ko yun papayagan. "This fight is personal!" Ang paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko. At sa bawat araw nga na dumadaan, lumalaban ako na parang sundalong nakasalalay ang buhay sa gitna ng battlefield. Itinaob ko ang bawat araw at ipinanalo na may ngiti sa labi. I'm a f*cking warrior and this war is my b*tch!!! 

One day, people will see me as someone who didn't give up and chose to defeat my demons. Laitin nyo na ko sa pagiging kakaiba at pagiging mahina sa paningin nyo. Pero ang apoy na patuloy na lumiliyab sa puso ko ay hindi kailanman maaapula ng kahit anong sabihin nyo. Nakasalalay na dito ang prinsipyo ko, reputasyon at dangal ko na hinding hindi ko papayagang mawasak ng mga taong nag-aakalang malalakas sila pero kinakain na ng kahinaan sa kaloob-looban nila. Tawagin nyo na kong weird or nahihibang o anupaman pero lalo nyo lang akong pinapatibay. Hinding hindi na ko maigugupo ng kahit na ano. I'm tough as nails and I'm only getting stronger everyday.

Nasurvive ko mga okasyon nang walang alak - Alcohol-free Month 10

 December 24, 2024, katulad ng mga asong nagtatago dahil sa paputok at ingay, tahimik din akong nakikiramdam sa aking silid kung may tropang kakatok sa pinto para mag-aya ng inuman. Wala akong balak lumabas para paunlakan ang kahit sino. I know this is the time of the year na matetest nang husto ang tibay ko sa temptation ng alak kaya isang linggo bago magpasko, pinaghandaan ko na talaga kung anong excuses ang ibibigay ko. Itinodo ko na din ang work out para ireinforce ang utak ko sa mas intense na focus na kakailanganin ko para hindi magfail sa goal ko na kumpletuhin ang isang buong taon na walang kahit isang patak ng alak na papasok sa sistema ko. Sobrang lupaypay ako sa maghapong exercise na tanging paghiga lang ang nagawa ko. Pagod physically pero satisfied deep inside. Ito na ngayon ang Christmas 2024 ko.

Around 8 pm, may kumakatok sa pinto. Kapatid ko kasama asawa nya at pamangkin ko ang dumating. May mga dala silang pagkain at dumating para mag-daos ng pasko sa place ko. Hindi ko maexplain ang galak na naramdaman ko na nandito ang mga mahal ko sa buhay na naalala ako at hindi hahayaan na palipasin ko na lang ang okasyon na mula pa nang bata ay magkakasama na naming idinadaos. Medyo nahiya ako dahil wala man lang akong share sa mga handa na dala nila. Higit sa lahat, wala akong regalo para sa pamangkin kong taon-taon kong pinapasaya sa mga laruan na binibigay ko sa kanya. Sobrang focus ko sa goal kong wag matukso sa alak ngayong holiday na nalimutan ko pati mga essential na parte ng tradisyon. Parang napaka selfish ko naman na yata at hindi na balanse ang amount ng sacrifice na ginagawa ko. Kaya dagli kong kinuha ang stuff toy na baboy na binili ko last year para ibigay sa pamangkin kong tahimik pa din sa mga oras na yun na waring nahihiya lang magsabi saken ng "asan ang gift ko tito?" Namilog ang mga mata ng pamangkin ko nang makita ang hawak hawak kong stuff toy. Wala syang pagsidlan ng tuwa at di maawat sa pagyakap saken kasama ng di matapos na "thank you tito!". Masaya din ako deep inside sa kabila ng katotohanan na ayaw kong i-letgo ang nasabing stuff toy. Nais ko sanang ibigay yun sa taong minahal ko nang husto sa sandaling nakabalik na sya ng bansa. Christmas 2023 was so rough na sa height ng break up namin, I did crazy things like drinking so much na halos naging mitsa na ng buhay ko kasama ng puspusan kong attempt na i-winback sya na hindi naman ako nagtagumpay. This stuff toy is a reminder of how much I refused to let go of her but now...I'm letting it go. Sa kamay ng musmos at inosente kong pamangkin, mas magkakaron ng meaning ang puffy,pink at adorable na bagay na ito. Oras na para balutin ito ng positibong enerhiya mula sa genuine na saya na meron ang bata kesa idisplay ko lang at iremind ang sarili ko sa naging failure ko sa pakikipagrelasyon. Baka maging katulad pa yun ni Anabelle na nabalot ng negativities at naging haunted.Wag naman...let it be free...let me be free.

Natapos ang pasko na kasama ko ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. Walang alak, pagkain at kantahan lang. Mga meaningful na kwentuhan at throwback sa masasayang naganap. Napuno ng positibong enerhiya ang place ko at simple man ang salu-salo, isa na ito sa mga pinaka meaningful na pasko na nangyari saken. First ever Christmas in a very long time na hindi ako lasing!

Come New Year, mas naging intense ang challenge ng pag-iwas sa alak. Umuwi ako sa probinsya katulad ng nakagawian at expected na ipu-push na naman ako ng kuya at tito ko na uminom ng alak pag nakiharap ako sa kanila. Pero this time, wala na ako balak magtago. Haharap ako sa kanila ng walang alak sa sistema ko para ipamukha sa kanila ang progreso ko at kung panung sila din ay dapat nang magisip-isip para sa kalusugan nila. As expected, may kahalo pang bully ang naging interactions namin pero naging balat-kalabaw na ko at hindi na nagpaapekto sa mga sinabi nila. Ni hindi na ko nagtry mag-explain. Dinaan ko na lang ang lahat sa ngiti dahil kung hindi pa sapat ang muscles ko at glow na taglay ko para patunayan sa kanila na naging ok ako dahil sa alcohol-free lifestyle, then problema na nila yun. Medyo limitado ang naging interaksyon ko sa kanila at sinigurado kong chill pa din ang paghaharap-harap namin kahit litro lang ng tubig ang nasa kamay ko. Wala pa ring replacement ang pamilya sa festivity na katulad nito at kahit na-cross na nila yung line at nadisrespect nila ako, I have nothing but respect to them at sa mga paniniwala nila. Natapos pa din ang bagong taon na peaceful at meaningful. Hindi na ko ganun kaingay tulad ng mga nakaraang selebrasyon dahil sa kalasingan at pinpulot na lang kung saan saan. Although I had to stay awake until morning to contemplate more on different aspects of life and shield myself more on more upcoming challenges ngayong 2025. Sabi ko, pag napagtagumpayan ko to, I will extend this advocacy to my love ones para sila rin ay magbago. I aim to inspire people and influence sa mas positibong paraan. Ito na ang magiging misyon ko sa buhay.

 Sa March 2025, I will kick off the project that I have in mind. Sobrang positive ko na kaya kong talunin ang alak. Konting panahon na lang at makukumpleto ko na ang 365 days na alcohol-free. Napagdesisyunan ko na hindi na ko titikim ulet ng alak at magiging for life na ang misyon kong ito.

My man boobs are gone but why? And strange dreams about a "girl"?.

 

To answer quickly, obviously I've been working out and have embraced this active lifestyle that I initiated since I started my alcohol sobriety journey. But unknown to most males, man boobs can even be avoided without exercise if...they avoid alcohol. Alcohol and other substances that deprive testosterone will surely bear to feminine like physique. Let's expound that a little deeper.

Testosterone is a hormone that is being secreted to males in large portion than females. What it does is to boost male characteristics along with other sexual function. There are a lot of ways to boost testosterone naturally which I can tackle in future posts but this one is solely about avoiding vices like alcohol mainly. Why alcohol is a major culprit of testosterone decline to men? Simply because alcohol converts testosterone to estrogen pretty fast and if abused will absolutely boost the speed of this conversion hence the sprout of that female-like boobs that is far from desirable especially in the eyes of the opposite sex. If you've seen the movie "Longest Yard", you may already have an idea how estrogen converts a male to female-like persona. Estrogen as the main female sex hormone while also present in male shouldn't be produced in large portion. But idiots who won't stop abusing alcohol (like me before) decide to trade this undesirable look over the dopamine that alcohol gives them. While drinking may look manly, it's not a sign of strength especially if its already an addiction as aside from the fact that it serves as an escape to most, it also affects the hormone that supposed to help a man become stronger mentally and physically. Some may argue that not all alcoholic drinks have that massive effect to testosterone as beer according to study is the one that can affect the most but in general alcohol is still a bad habit that needs to be kicked out of our life. Now if you're a beer addict like me in the past, maybe start thinking about wearing a bra.

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I've been studying and researching about health and wellness aside from consistently grinding into the gym to not only be aesthetically better but to cure my mental health issues. I couldn't stress enough the benefits I've been getting from this healthy lifestyle that I'm dreaming of becoming a mentor one day to those who like me also wandered off in the wrong direction. Now speaking of dreaming, I've been hitting the right amount of sleep lately and I couldn't be more proud to say that the last piece of the puzzle on how to optimize muscle gain is now associated in my life. Thanks to different materials I came across on how to improve sleep coz they work wonders. My muscle recovery from these epic sleeps is unbelievable and my physique improved and probably reached its most beautiful form in ages. One thing though that puzzles me is why do I keep dreaming about this girl few nights in a row now and I wonder what these dreams mean.

She's by the river, watching her steps through the rocks while she walks as she gazed through the gushing water. I was not too far from her, watching her with her every step and making sure she won't slip onto something or be caught by the raging water. The latter is simply an exaggeration but that's how protective I am. While she's doing her sweet thing and having her moment, I was at the corner beginning to see her as a goddess who appeared suddenly to remind me how lucky I am to be with her. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever come across with and the greatest love I've ever had. 

Clearly, what I have just said wasn't my actual dream but simply a memory of a lost love. Seriously though, what made me write about her is because she indeed appear on one of my dreams and we were really happy together as if we never broken up at all. Since that night of her presence in my dream, I always go to bed with a single wish that I see her again, that I get to be with her again. Unfortunately, she still yet to appear so the rest of the "dreams" I mentioned earlier was just kinda clickbait as I only saw her there once so far. I do daydream about her for sure if that counts as a dream too. One of the motivations I have when going to bed is to see her again. That's the only place that we can be together again. It only started as a little wish, now its already habit. Close my eyes, think about her then fall asleep. Wake up without the trace of her appearance to my dreams but that's fine, move on. Aside from techniques I learned from materials I read about how to get good sleep, I incorporated this habit of thinking about her which may or may not be beneficial to me in a long run.

I vowed not to disrupt her anymore and let her enjoy her life. Even the strong urge that comes up to me time to time to shoot her a message to thank her, give some gratitude as I wouldn't be in this better situation if not because of her, I don't dare to do. I've shut down my socmeds for a long time at the height of my desire to check her out and I still do the same whenever I have this urge to even have a glimpse of her. I've been winning that battle and it really helps me out to cope on that lost that I've already shed so much tears with. I remember early this year when we had our last phone call that I was so drunk (I tricked her to talk to me saying I'm sober when I'm not) I cried so hard like a woman and my emotions are pouring down like that water from the river. I looked back to that moment and realized how effed up I already was with probably nothing but estrogen remaining in my system as beer and stress already turned even the last bit of my testosterone to that female hormone which made me so effing emotional. Probably those drunk men who cry out so hard have the same thing going in their biology and that's exactly what I went through. Anyway, I promised her right on that conversation that I'll strive to be better and try to win her back. But my alcoholism was already extreme that after that peaceful goodbye, I ruined everything by sending her hate messages and pure expression of vengeance and darkness. That was actually the turning point on why I chose to be clean and strive to still fulfill the promise I made to her despite the mess I did. I remember she told me that I should do it for myself and neither for anyone nor for her and that's exactly what I'm doing. If you've reached this part of my writing I know you're thinking that I'm torn between trying to get her attention again or just stay still and do nothing and I completely agree with you. Have you lost someone so significant due to your mess and hope that you'll be forgiven and be given a chance again? Trust me, that question started to rise up again in my mind and even though my clarity is already at its fullness nowadays, there are still times that I find myself pondering about that thoughts...unconsciously.

Recognizing the impact of this dilemma on my day to day life, I choose to now be a little bit open about it in my journal. I might write about it few more times until time finally do its course. I also love the idea of revisiting these articles after decades. This humble site of mine that I've been with for half my life has been the witness on different struggles I had and still having and so far, writing here contributes to a large chunk of my recovery. I don't wanna go back to my old habits again and I feel like if I dwell so much on this thoughts, I might lose the battle. So I will hold firmly to my belief that I should not do anything but to stay focus on continuing what I've started. She mentioned one time that good memories should be kept and those are probably the reasons why she still lingers to my mind. No more hate, no more darkness, just pure light and remnants of happy times. Tonight, I shall go to sleep and hope she's there in dreamland again...a place where she's safe and have nothing but joy and love that she and I once shared.

Paano binago ng alak ang katawan ko at paano ako bumabawi? #alcohol_free_month_7

"Man boobs! Pare may suso ka na. Congrats!"

 Yan ang mga katagang naririnig ko sa likod ng isip ko habang nakatingin ako sa salamin nung ika-24 ng Marso ng taong ito. 3 months straight na non-stop na ko umiinom nun. Hindi alam ng pamilya ko na malala na ang mental health problem ko at lalong hindi alam ng mga kaibigan ko ang pinagdadaanan ko. Katulad mo o katulad ng karamihan, nagdaan ako sa pinakamalalang break-up sa kasaysayan ng buhay ko na pinanawan na ko ng pag-asang mabuhay. Literal na gusto ko nang mamatay nun at everytime na nagigising ako mula sa malalang pagkalasing, galit sa mundo at hindi maipaliwanag na negatibong enerhiya ang sya lamang namamayani sa kalooban ko. "Ayoko na magising! Ayoko nang humarap sa mundo!" Hanggang isang gabi nang sa unang pagkakataon ay nailabas ko sa kapatid ko lahat ng itinatago ko sa kaloob-looban ng puso ko, nagdesisyon akong baguhin ang direksyon ng buhay ko. Ang dapat na pamamaalam sa balak kong pagse-suicide nang gabing yun ay napalitan ng muling pagbangon sa pagkakasalampak ko sa darkest moment na yun ng buhay ko. Literal na isinalba ako ng kapatid ko at heto ang iba pang parte ng kwento.

Mahirap ang naging withdrawal process ko. Isinulat ko ang mga dinanas ko sa mga previous blog ko at disaster talaga. Yung tinatawag na delirium tremens o malalang alcohol withdrawal effects ang pinakachallenging na pinagdaanan ko. Pumasok ulet sa isip ko ang pagpapatiwakal sa period na yun kaya nanghingi ako sa kapatid ko ng extra guidance na imonitor ako pala-palagi. Kaya naman halos oras-oras nya akong kinokontak nung first to second week ng withdrawal ko para i-check kung ok pa ba ako. Sa kagandahang palad, nalampasan ko yung stage na yun at dun na ako nag-start na mag-gain ng lakas para sa mga susunod pang mga araw. Dun ko narealize na mahabang proseso ito at nagsisimula pa lang ako. 

Sari-saring physical activities ang ginawa ko. Naaksidente pa ako sa bisikleta at one point kaya mas madalas tumatakbo ako. Pag sobrang sakit ng mga paa at legs ko, nagseswitch ako sa paglakad ng malayo. Ang itsura ko nun kung makikita mo sa pic, may man boobs ako at parang gelatin ang tiyan ko na napakalaki. Namamaga din ang mukha ko sa pagkamanas at in total, larawan talaga ako ng basura na nagpabaya sa katawan dahil sa alak at poor diet. Pero hindi ako nagdwell sa self pity o extreme na pagkaawa sa sarili bagkus ginamit ko yun na motivation para magbago.

Isa o dalawang buwan nang mapansin ko yung mga improvement sa physique ko. Feeling ko wagi na ko at dahil may pagka-jollibee ako, nagyabang agad ako sa social media. May umaprub at nagpahayag ng suporta, meron ding nangbash. Dun ko narealize kung gaano pa ko ka-vulnerable at ang stress na idinulot saken ng mga basher ay halos nagpabalik saken sa bisyong ilang buwan ko nang naiwasan. So nilimitahan ko ang pakikipag-interact online at nagfocus sa sarili ko. Tsaka ano ba naman pakelam saken ng ibang tao? Nabubuhay ba ko according sa expectations nila? F**k them! Sa point na yun, nakakuha na naman ako ng bagong fuel na nagpupush saken para magsumikap pa lalo na gawing better ang sarili ko.

Bukod sa exercise, nagdiet na din ako. Kung dati extreme na hindi ako kumakain dahil minamadali ko yung resulta, nagswitch ako sa less carbs. Kamote, itlog, saging na saba at less rice ang madalas kong kinakain. Hindi rin ako nawawalan ng hilaw na sibuyas para tumulong sa metabolism. Hindi na ko nakikipag-interact sa social media at may times na nagdedeactivate ako para maiwasan ang distraction. I was just minding my own business at inadapt ko ang "win each day" mantra na kung saan, pag nalagpasan ko ang araw na hindi ako nakainom ng alak at nagawa ko ang exercise routine at diet ko, panalo na ako. Things become much and much better saken hindi lang sa pisikal kundi maging sa mental health ko.

July nang mapagdesisyunan ko na i-adopt ang intermittent fasting. 16 hrs na walang calories intake. Natuto ako magkape ng walang asukal at mas lalo pa ko uminom ng madaming tubig. Dahil madami na kong oras mula nang mag-stop ako sa socmed, ginugol ko yun sa pag-aaral. Nagbabasa ako, nanunuod ako ng mga lectures about wellness and health. Ginawa kong scientific ang approach ko at hindi lang puro kung ano yung feeling ko. Hindi rin nawala syempre yung philosophy at principles na akma sa results na gusto ko. Dinadahan-dahan ko ang lahat at buong tyaga kong hinihimay yung mga methods. Marami akong natuklasan sa sarili ko katulad ng kahinaan ko sa emotional na aspeto at kung gaano ako kabilis na tumitiklop sa mga bagay na nakakatrigger saken. Ambilis ko mafrustrate at everytime na down ako, dun pumapasok yung desire ko na uminom ulet ng alak. Natuklasan ko na kaya pala ako naadik sa alak ay dahil mahina akong nilalang. Nilulunod ko sarili ko sa alcohol para makaiwas sa mga mental at emotional issues ko imbes na harapin. Kaya hinarap ko yung mga issues na yun at tuwing umaga, naglalaan ako ng oras para mag-meditate. Hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay hangga't hindi ko na-sosolid yung mindset na kakailanganin ko para sa araw na yun. "Win each day!" at everytime na namemaintain ko yung pagiging kalmado at composed sa pagharap sa  mga triggers, panalo na ako sa araw na yun. 

July din nang naging sunod-sunod ang pagbuhos ng ulan. Natuklasan ko na ang pagtakbo na syang bread and butter ko sa transformation na inaasam ko ang syang pinakaepektibo pero hindi ko magawa dahil sa panahon. Sinubukan kong iintensify ang chalistenics o yung mga workout sa bahay lang pero hindi ko makuha yung endorphin o boost na ibinigay saken ng running. Nagsimula na naman akong bumalik sa mga habits ko tulad ng gaming at panunuod ng series (pati porn) na nagpa-couch potato saken nang malala. Nag-umpisa na namang magform yung mga negativities ko at sa isang iglap ay nararamdaman ko yung nalalapit na failure ko sa mga ginagawa ko. Sa pagiging sedentary ko, bumababa yung testosterone ko na sanhi ng pagiging bugnutin ko na naman at pagiging stressed. Nang bumuti yung panahon, napagpasyahan kong maglakad. Nabreak ko yung record ko sa pinakamalayong nalakad nung araw na yun. Napagpasyahan kong i-treat ang sarili ko dahil birthday ko naman. Pero nang akmang uupo na ko sa coffee shop para umorder ng kape at red velvet cake, natanaw ko ang mga kabataan papunta sa gym na natatanaw ko lang sa kinaroronan ko. Tumayo ako sa kinauupuan ko at sinundan sila. Ilang minuto pa at nakaregister na ko sa gym. Weight lifting ang kailangan ko para i-boost ang testosterone ko at hindi yang cake na yan. Kahit birthday ko, ipinagpalit ko ang cake sa barbels at dumbels nung araw na yun. Umuwi akong masakit ang katawan pero nag-uumapaw ang endorphine at parang nagbabounce-bounce pa ang dopamine at serotonin ko sa biglang boost. Yun ang simula ng gym habits ko.

Simula nung July, naging hybrid athlete ako. Sadyang hindi ko kayang iwan ang cardio kaya tumatakbo pa din ako pag maganda ang panahon. I've never felt so strong in my whole life until these times. Para akong bumalik sa edad na 27 na kung saan huli akong naging active at buffed. Lumabas na naman ang mga injuries dahil sa pagka-aggressive ko sa workout so medyo kinalmahan ko lang ang emosyon ko kase sadyang emotional talaga ako sa kahit saan mapa-positive o negative na dahilan. Nakuha ko yung rhtym ko at tuloy tuloy ang pag-aaral na ginagawa ko kasabay ng pag-execute ng mga pinag-aaralan ko. Sound body is sound mind at more than enough ang patotoo ko dyan. 

Sa ngayon, winowork out ko nang husto ang consistency. Walang kwenta na lumalakas ako at nagagawa ko yung workout routines ko kung vulnerable pa din ako sa temptations of all kinds. As I gain physical improvements, I also gain attention from opposite sex pero I can't afford to be distracted. I would take their compliments but thats it then I'll move on. Physical, mental and emotional strengths and goal kong maabot ngayon. Malayo pa pero malayo na. Goal kong maabot ang optimum potentials ko until the 365 days na sinet kong period na sobriety. I want to make changes so I can help others din to reach theirs. 

Let's not pour doubts and discouragement sa mga taong nais magbago. Suportahan natin sila at wag natin silang i-down. Ang pinaka enemy ng taong nais ng changes sa buhay nya ay ang kahinaan nya sa mga nasasabi ng iba. Sa era at society ngayon na malaking bagay yung approval at validation mula sa iba, ang pinaka maitutulong natin ay i-boost ang confidence ng isang tao, hindi ang i-bash sya. Dun lang tayo sa reyalidad. I-admit natin na nasa soft era tayo na words hurt so much now than before, therefore, be careful sa mga binibitawan nating salita. Sa mga katulad ko naman na goal pa din i-strengthen yung thick skin nila sa mga criticsms para maabot yung goals, mag-iimprove at nag-iimprove tayo everyday. Shutdown whatever needs to be shutdown kung nakakasagabal saten. Pwera syempre yung mga nagmamahal saten. Wag natin gayahin si Rendon. We want to be a beast but not his type of beast. O siya hanggang dito na lang at baka kung saan pa mapunta. Stay postive at laban lang ng laban! Win each day!

I quit vaping and...

That's it! I quit vaping and what else can I say? I have to say something right? Otherwise what good is this blog entry if all it has is that broad title. So here's the story:

I haven't been vaping for more than a month now. At first it was just an economic decision as the little piece of s**t just got more expensive in the Philippines and I thought that's not fair. But then I realized its now a booming industry and the government should profit from it even more. Taxes rose up due to different s*it that both government and business sector agreed to impose but I can clearly see that consumers are the main reasons why additional profit must be obtained by stake holders. People got crazy over this highly addictive habit that demand breaks the supply hence business booms. In the background, cigarette and vape companies are having war but that's none of my concern so let me focus on why I simply quit this vice and its not purely due to financial reasons.

Vaping, as its supporters say is lesser evil than smoking. Cigarette has thousands toxins that enter the body that cause horrible diseases. While I agree to this, I concluded that you cannot pick a poison between these two vices are they are just equally evil. Vape has its fair share of chemicals that enter the body when you inhale it once it becomes aerosol. I'm not an expert and I don't need to identify those chemicals from vape products that mainly affect lungs but I can surely say that this vice in its infancy is still being studied just like cigarette in its humble beginnings. Both are just equally dangerous. Now enough of chemistry and their effects on the user's physiological state and let me state my major and personal reason why I quit vaping. (Drum roll...) Mental health is what made me decide to quit vaping. Chemical imbalance inside the body that affects hormones due to excessive intake of nicotine is what made me quit on this yet another horrible vice that I now officially align with smoking and drinking abuse.

I didn't care much about the foreign objects that enter my lungs as I've been a smoker then vaper for decades now.. But since I quit alcohol, I became very wary of things that will alter my mental state due to hormonal imbalance. If you're not aware yet, vapes are packed with nicotine and nicotine is a nootropic drug. Nootropics, or “smart drugs,” are a class of substances that can boost brain performance. A boost in thinking capability is not a bad thing and I can tolerate that not until I learned that nicotine also affects the dopamine and other hormone release such as norepinephrine and epinephrine. To sum it up, if you become dependent on any addictive agents for your happiness, your tolerance will eventually rise up which later on becomes addiction. Unfortunately, there is no healthy addiction and whether its smoking or vaping, you will be consuming foreign substances that your body is not designed to take. Sure our body will adapt and our immune system will catch up until it cannot take them anymore which eventually will cause our demise. Simply because of our unconscious behavior of chasing that hormonal release to the expense of both of our physical and mental health that we endure the damage our addictions bring to us.

I quit vaping and now I'm happier. Not only that my pockets can breath from the cost of this expensive vice, my lungs also improve its performance during my runs and other physical activities. Alan Watts said that the meaning of life is "just to be alive" but it doesn't mean that we have to settle to that simplicity. There are million reasons to die and since I adopted the "win each day" mantra, I am no longer afraid to die. My goal is to etched my legacy as someone who turned things around in his lifetime and gave zero f*ck to naysayers. With "winning each day" as the main flavor of my everyday life, it certainly will not disappoint me should my final hours knock. The days that I lived that I can vividly remember, uninterrupted by vices that hinder my clarity will certainly satisfy my whole existence. I know this blog is supposed to be just about quitting vaping and I apologize that it ended this way but in totality, the message that I just want to convey is...let's not f*ck our own system with these mind altering instruments and stay away from vices as best as we can. If you haven't quit yet, find your "day one" if today isn't it yet.

Kabi-kabilang sakit ng katawan! Workout pa!

 I just turned 37 last July at maniwala ka o hindi pero I feel like 27 again! I guess lahat ng pagpapagod at diet na pinagagawa ko since nagstop ako uminom e nagbubunga na. Hindi na mabigat ang katawan ko sa umaga at lalong hindi na ko puro negative agad paggising pa lang. I know na medyo paulit-ulit lang yung ibang sinasabi ko about motivation, being strong etc. Pero this journal really helps me a lot lalo na sa trajectory ng goal ko which is to be healthy overall. Maybe unconsciously nauulit-ulit ko yung content and I'll explain that later. Pero in this entry its more on sharing lang talaga about my routine.

In my past posts, I mentioned a bit about my diet which was mainly low carb. I changed that now with intermittent fasting but with a twist. Although madalas ako mag 16:8, I also do 14:10 and even 12:12 minsan. Sa 16:8, depende sa intensity ng workout ko sa umaga, naachieve ko to nang walang hirap. For example, I will run 3 km sa umaga before work or do pull ups, push ups or ab workouts and considered light workouts lang yun for me so bagay sila for 16:8. Note na isa lang sa nabanggit na workouts ang ginagawa ko na more or less 20 mins lang and hindi masyadong nakakapagod at nakakagutom yun so survive ang long hours until mag-end yung fasting. Pero kapag tumakbo ako ng 5-7 km or nag-gym ako sa umaga for 30 mins or more before work, I go for 14:10 or even 12:12 kase grabe na yung naburn na calories na need ko na magreplenish. Sa kinakain ko naman, wala pa din ako masyadong pili. Tipikal na Pinoy meals na puro taba at oil (haha) pero small amount lang then susundutin ko sya ng either boiled eggs or saging na saba or both para satiated na ko until second meal na kung saan dun lang ako nagra-rice. Wala ako pakelam kung anong pagkain since I cook as well and hindi ako fan ng mga kaartehan. Calories in-calories out and I just make sure na sustainable at simple yung meal ko. One thing lang na binago ko ng husto e sugar or sweets. I dont do sugar sa kape ko at all anymore and while I still eat pastries, sobrang konti na lang unlike nung bago pa lang ako nagquit ng alcohol. Kase for some reason, bigla nagspike up yung hilig ko sa matatamis nung di na ako active sa alcohol.

On some rare occasion lalo na pag sobrang ulan at di ako nakapag-gym or nakatakbo, I do 18:6 or even 20:4 fasting. Though kahit kaya ko magfast ng matagal, I choose not to do it often kase during fasting, your body consumes your stored fats but also your muscles. So dahil nagje-gym na ko, sayang naman kung maapektuhan yung muscle gain ko. Kaya tamang 16:8 lang ako to produce keytones na kakain ng fats ko lalo na sa belly area. Then sa hapon when the whole ordeal of fasting is finished for the day, saka ako magwe weight lifting. I have 2 favorite coffee shops na tinatambayan bago magwork out to get my sugar-less brewed coffee para high na high ang energy ko during weight lifting. Sa gym, with new found friends na mostly younger than me feeling young din ako and kuma-catch up ako sa energy nila. Yun nga lang, payback time pagdating ng gabi kase andyan na yung muscle pains.

Nung mga unang weeks ng work out ko, epic yung body pain ko talaga. I would take a bath with warm water to lessen the pain then have my last meal for the day. I take a lot of protein rich food at night pero regardless yun kung anong protein source. Yung iba ayaw nila ng oily and fatty pero binabanatan ko yang mga pagkain na yan sa gabi kung yun lang ang available na mostly e galing sa carinderia. Our body needs fat and cholesterol for testosterone production and I don't care kung magcarry ako ng extra fat kung para naman sa hormone na yun. I often eat raw onions as well para sa testosterone pa din and for muscle repair para sa mga nadamage na tissue.

Sa next morning, mas malala yung body pain pero I get up from bed no problem. No pain, no gain! Although recently aside sa shoulder injury ko na gumagaling na, wala na ko masyadong isyu sa body pain. Di ko alam kung nasanay na ko or sadyang nakapag-adapt na yung katawan ko. Anyway thats how hypertrophy works and muscles at rest is where they grow so gradually, masasanay ka na din.

Everything I mentioned above, lahat yun ay through mental strength. A friend once asked me pano daw maging consistent sa routine tulad ng saken. Sabi ko, train your mind much harder than your body. The reason why I write almost every night along with my reading and listening to bright minds are because, kahit magbuhat ka at magpakamatay ka sa kakawork out, kung ga-munggo lang yung utak mo at ni wala kang fundamentals ng mind strength, nagsasayang ka lang ng pagod. Train your mind by thinking deeply through reflections and gaining knowledge. This right here, etong pagsusulat ko ng blog, this is my form of reflection and kaya minsan nauulit ko yung content ko is because need ko pa syang ire-iterate sa sarili ko bago ko sya totally ma-internalize. My idol David Goggins said, "you have to form a callus in your mind". Hindi sapat na puro nasa palad mo lang yung kalyo ng pagpapagod mo, dapat magkaroon din ng kalyo yung utak mo. So I might sound like a broken record sometime pero each time I reflect on what I've written here, lalo lang nun napupush ako na maging consistent kase its not enough na naisip mo sya, you have to put them into practice. Now if repetition works for you para maimprint sa utak mo yung gusto mong ipatupad sa sarili mo, ulit-ulitin mo lang hanggang maging normal na part na sya ng sistema mo.With that, let's all be resilient! Sasakit ang katawan natin pati mga utak natin pero hindi tayo titigil hanggang yung pain ay magdala ng resulta na hinahangad natin. Keep working!

Alcohol-Free, Month 6: My running shoes are giving up but not me

This morning, I just broke my running record to 10 km for just an hour. Its a beautiful Sunday morning with a weather so forgiving that I didn't mind going on a run a bit late. I didn't even plan to run today coz its my rest day from work and gym and cardio exercises but I woke up a bit cumbersome that I need a release. After checking the temperature and humidity which is not that bad for an 8 am run, I went on to see some action on the road. Now my running shoes are showing signs of wear and tear already so as my knees. While my knees can still endure, I don't think my shoes can still go on for a couple of weeks more so now I'm eyeing for a new and better pair. Anyhow, I went on to a light pace for a supposed 3 km run only to realize that I'm already at 6 km. David Goggins recommended to add more than what you originally set and there I ended up at 10 km. My exhaustion was indescribable but the satisfaction was through the roof. I did it again but I gotta spare myself for a day after this coz my body as well as my shoes are already showing signs of pain. Its not that I'm giving up but I don't wanna over train so I'll catch up with enough rest tomorrow.

While I'm at home enjoying my Spanish lessons, my brother came with lots of food and of course, booze. Its not meant for me as he got our friends with him so I ended up just hanging out with them with my few cups of coffee. I am no longer tempted to alcohol and my circle already respects me for being alcohol free. It doesn't mean though that I'm excused to not chip in to this festivity. I had to sing the most songs in the karaoke coz they enjoy my singing (not to brag). I like that I still get to share something on the table in a non-alcoholic way. I feel like Desmond Doss from "Hacksaw Ridge" movie who received military awards without killing a single human in the battle field. I'm in the "inuman session" laughing with the gang and giving my fair share of tito jokes aside from singing while still not breaking my sobriety. I didn't know it was possible 6 months ago but here I am, still believes and still unbent.

Prior to drinking session, I was already exhausted from running and cleaning the house. I meant to catch some nap when visitors came in earlier than expected so I literally didn't catch a break. Good thing it finished earlier so here I am with the last stretch for the day with my journal. I am already aware that whenever I'm dead tired, my emotions pour in. In the past, drinking alcohol whenever I'm super tired bypasses the melancholic phase and I go straight to sleep. Now that I'm not charged with alcohol, I'm left with a great deal of caffeine in my system, struggling to sleep and playing with memories again. Its not secret that the memories of my ex is still the single most recurring thing in my life right now even its already a year that we've been separated. Its not that I'm not trying my best to forget her but I owe her a lot for all these good things that are happening to me right now. So before you think that it's all negative, that's no longer the case. She's now officially the source of my inspiration to everything I do. I extracted all the good stuff that we shared together and all the lessons she imparted to me which I use as a material for my ongoing recovery. With 6 months into this journey of alcohol sobriety, the clarity is unmatched and the emotions while still attack are not anymore entirely detrimental to my progress unlike in the early months. I battled numerous times (and still am) with the temptation of opening up a communication with her again. Unlike in the early months, I can now win over this temptation easily nowadays and I'm very proud of it. Aside from running and working out, writing is also my secret weapon on this consistency hence my countless letters that I never sent to her. Letters that I thought after couple of months of this life changing journey that I initiated would help me win her back like what I used to do during the early part of our relationship. Instead I just keep them to myself and revisit them from time to time to remind myself that everything I said there aren't just full of sh*t and I'm working my way on fulfilling them (also I no longer intend to win her back so that premise is already irrelevant). Like what she used to say, "Do it for yourself. Its for your own good." and that holds true. I feel like we can be good friends should I initiate communicating with her again and she will be the greatest boost on my cause but I'm still a long way to be someone she might be interested with again. Its not that I'm lacking confidence, I'm just trying to be appropriate. The appropriate thing to do is keep the respect I vowed to give her eternally. That respect, that vow mean not to disrupt her, not to interrupt her with her life. I'm very proud that I'm also achieving that promise.

I'm still not decided which running shoes in the market would be the best to match with my running hunger but I guess I have to wait up until my beloved current ones ultimately gave up. I love these shoes, they are a vital part of my cause and thinking about not being able to be with them in the upcoming runs almost gives me separation anxiety. But you know, we have to move on at some point and time no matter how slow will certainly heals. I might put up these shoes somewhere safe when its time for them to retire but I will never forget them and the days we've been together. Wet and dry, dusty or muddy, these shoes never let me down. As I get stronger and stronger, shoes might come and go as I don't have plans on slowing down on my running habit until maybe I reached my plateau. That would probably be at the time when I can no longer use my legs for strenuous activities due to old age. But what is considered "old"? That's a topic for upcoming entries which I would love to explore. For now, have a great day, have a great life and be sure to drink plenty of water and keep your electrolytes on a right level. Let's run! 

I hurt my shoulder and its pretty bad

My goal for fitness has just intensified after series of rainy days that halted my running routine. I decided to go to the gym and lift weights. Apparently, living in a tropical country has its pros and cons. Its rainy season in the country and unless I want to incorporate swimming in my daily exercise, it wouldnt be too bad but leptospirosis is a thing to be afraid of and I won't dare catching it. While I still run when the weather is good, I also now visit the gym few times a week.

A week ago, my rotator cuff seemed to snap and now I can barely move my left shoulder specially for shoulder workouts. Its really painful and very uncomfy. While I'm pretty resilient and already fell in love with pain, working on a bad shoulder may probably just exacerbate the situation and I don't like that. However, shoulder day should go as planned but less intense means less weights for now for the said muscle group. This is not a new thing and I had this problem almost a decade ago when I was actively lifting weights. I guess muscle memory is really a thing that it even recalled my past injury. Its still a totally satisfying experience and each of my gym session is therapy to my ever improving mental health.

Its now going six months since I abandoned alcohol and I cannot stress enough the significance of this decision which is probably the best I had in my whole existence. I feel like a new person now and each day gets more and more beautiful on this alcohol-free journey. I guess it has something to do with the level of my testosterone that keeps going up due to my new non-sedentary lifestyle matched with right diet and ample amount of rest. Speaking of diet, I just became a fan of intermittent fasting which at first was so hard but determination got me now to this point that 16:8 is just a normal thing. I would consume tons of protein rich foods during my eating window and take low carb but satiating staples. My mom sent me a sack of black rice when she found out I'm on a diet and this rare type of rice really changed the game. Moms know best indeed!

While my sleep is still on a questionable routine, I make sure to maintain 6-7 hrs everyday. I am no longer on a night shift job and so night sleep is now a thing. Though I still do some writing before going to bed so I still go pretty late but I make sure to time it and not be carried away with it as overthinking also triggers sleeplessness. Like what I've mentioned in my previous blogs, I'm working on a short novel and its really damn hard but I commit to finish it no matter how slow plus I am really taking my writing craft very seriously. I love writing and I will surely stick to this true love until I get old. Back to my sleeping stuff, my coffee addiction that mainly contributes to my sleepless nights is now tamed. I consume a lot of decaf instead of the regular coffee. I don't know if its just a placebo as they said that decaf still has caffeine in it but it still put me to sleep anyway so I stick to decaf. My sleeping habit is still a work in progress but its already much better than before.

Its getting late and I have to finish this. I really don't have so much agenda on this entry but unlike the ones that I keep in private, I'm publishing this one and probably more as I aim for much longer social media detox moving forward. I mean few of my socmed contacts (who reads) already found my website and I'd rather share to them through this platform more often as they are the ones who genuinely give a sh*t. I relapsed on my socmed sobriety but I admit its really hard to beat that one so I'll reactivate my socmed from time to time. My mom whom is my number one fan always sends her support whenever she sees my facebook story so I will post FB story once in a while. She's a great proponent of good health and she's getting better and better as she gets old. I want to make her proud all the time that her son is striving to be healthier to be like her whom at her age is still exceptionally agile and active. Ma, I love you and I'll see you soon. Hilutin mo balikat ko!

My alcohol sobriety journey and how running plays a huge role on this ongoing project

As my journey toward a 100% alcohol-free lifestyle continues, all I can do is hope I make it through the first 365 days—and maybe even beyond. So far, so sober. Let me share how I’ve been working to keep this up… and how running (yes, running) has been my unlikely savior.

It all started in January 2024 when I was diagnosed with fatty liver, acute gastritis, and a urinary tract infection—basically the holy trinity of bad lifestyle choices. I was also showing signs of gallstones, probably because I was on a steady diet of pares and mami (I mean, how do you say no to that after a night of drinking, right?).

Despite my medical report looking like a walking PSA for “Don’t Be Like This Guy,” I still kept drinking. Not even a doctor's stern face could scare me straight. But then, my mental health started spiraling down so fast, I felt like I was trying to drink my way out of a black hole—with gasoline. It wasn’t until I hit that dark place where life itself felt optional that I realized: I need to get out… or I won’t make it out.

It took me two months of failing, crying, and trying again before something finally clicked.

If you want to kick something, you use your foot, right? Lightbulb moment. So I decided to literally kick the habit—by running.

That first run? Absolute hell. Like, more painful than a breakup where you still owe the girl money. But then something crazy happened… the endorphins. The adrenaline. That weird euphoric joy that comes with not dying in the middle of a jog. I thought, “Wait, am I actually into this?”

So what did I do next? I ran again the following day. Another painful run. My legs were screaming, my lungs were filing complaints, and I was 99% sure my bones were about to snap like expired chopsticks. I genuinely started wishing my skeleton was made of adamantium.

By Day 2, I was toast. Done. Dried squid. I sat myself down and said, “I earned this rest.” And maybe I did. But maybe… I also earned an excuse.

On Day 3, I didn’t run. I parked my butt in the same chair where I used to drink alone. Big mistake. The craving slithered right back in. I was staring at the table, and suddenly, in my mind, there it was again—ice-cold, sparkling golden beer… looking sexier than it ever had. I swear I even heard Egyptian music playing in the background, like the ancestors were tempting me with ancient alcohol magic.

Panic mode.

"This can’t be happening," I told myself. I jumped out of that chair like it was cursed. Grabbed my shoes. My feet were still sore, but I didn’t care. I ran. Under the blistering heat of the Philippine summer sun, I ran like my life depended on it—because honestly, it kinda did.

With the heat index soaring and the sun basically auditioning for the role of Satan’s spotlight, there I was—dragging my sweaty, slightly crispy body across the concrete road that now felt more like a flat-top grill. Every few meters I had to stop, not to rest, but to check if anyone was watching me like, "Who’s this lunatic slow-roasting himself at high noon?"

It only took me 1.5 km to say, “Okay, this is insane. I’m not David Goggins. I have the right to procrastinate in this kind of weather.” I found shade under an acacia tree and decided to scroll a bit—classic move. That’s when I stumbled upon a video of actual David Goggins. At first, I didn’t care. Just some buff dude yelling online. Until he started cursing like he was personally offended by my weakness.

“You stop when you’re DONE! Not when you’re TIRED!”

Boom. That hit me like a slap from the heavens (or maybe just heatstroke hallucinations). But whatever it was, it worked. My feet started moving again. Every time he yelled, I pushed harder. Under the scorching Philippine sun, drenched in sweat and borderline regret—I ran 4 kilometers. That was the exact moment I unlocked something in me: the beginning of my weird but wonderful running addiction.

Now, every time the urge to drink creeps in—I run. I don’t care what time it is. Rain? Sun? Heatwave? LPA? Doesn’t matter. I run.

Barangay officials even flagged me once for suspicious activity. Apparently, running at 1 a.m. in a hoodie makes you look like a burglar. Fair. But after a few weeks, they got used to me. Even the neighborhood dogs stopped barking. Instead of chasing me, they now just judge me silently like, "Oh great, it’s that emotionally unstable jogger again."

Three months in, I noticed the changes. My body leaned out, my mind started clearing, and I felt… sharper. More alive. Even some of my neighbors noticed. A few of them started running too. One guy even asked me to share my story on his YouTube channel. I told him, “Pre, I’m still a work in progress. Hindi pa ako pang-vlog.” He understood, but kept the offer open in case I ever feel ready to inspire people.

Inspire people? Ako? Talaga ba?

Maybe one day. But for now, I’m just focused on winning my own battles.

Today, I run regularly. I’m faster, stronger, and no longer making excuses. Here’s what I learned: you don’t need a gym membership, fancy shoes, or a structured plan to start. You don’t even need motivation most days. You just need to do it. Doesn’t matter if it’s a walk, a light jog, or a 1 a.m. emotional sprint—just get moving.

And hey, I get it—this isn’t about you, it’s about me. But if you’re still reading this, maybe you’re also going through something. Maybe you’re also finding your own way out of the dark. And wouldn’t it be sweet if one day, our paths crossed and we shared stories about how we turned pain into progress?

What’s even sweeter is realizing that this wasn’t just a phase or a resolution. This is a lifestyle. And in order for real, lasting change to happen—like in my case, kicking alcoholism—you don’t just quit something.

You build a life where that thing no longer belongs.

Temptation will always knock. But self-respect answers the door now. And it tells temptation to f*ck off.

Have a good day. Lace up. Let’s run.

I'm gonna see Halley's Comet all by myself...if I still can

 

Sa 2061, ako ay ganap nang 74. Pero ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na mabubuhay ako hanggang sa edad na yan para masaksihan ang muling pagsikat ng kometang Halley's na huling nakita nung 1986, isang taon bago ako ipinanganak. Ngunit hindi talaga Halley's ang target ko kundi ang Hale-Bopp. Ang problema, libong taon pa bago bumalik ang Hale-Bopp sa vicinity ng Earth kaya hindi ko na ito maaabutan. Kaya't Halleys na lang ang aabangan ko.

Isa ako sa mga mapalad na nakasaksi ng maliwanag na kometa sa kalawakan na di kelangan gamitan ng teleskopyo. 10 years old ako nun at nasa kasagsagan ng pagka obsess sa astronomy. Matyagang pinag-aaralan ko nun ang astronomy sa munting library ng school namin gamit ang mga donated reading materials na galing pa ng NASA. Maraming nasirang mga aklat sa elementary school namin kaya't bumuhos ang mga donasyon galing sa iba't ibang bansa at swerteng napasama doon ang mga de-kalibreng astronomy books and magazines. Kung kaya nang makita ko ng personal ang kometang sa mga pictures ko lang nakikita na kuha nung 1986 sa kometang Halleys, talagang wala ako pagsidlan ng tuwa at gabi gabi akong nasa labas ng bahay para lang pagmasdan ang Hale-Bopp na sya namang nagpakita nung 1997. Kung nakarating ka sa parteng ito ng blog ko, oras na para malaman mo na ang entry na to ay hindi puro tungkol sa science sa likod ng kometa. Ito ay tungkol sa taong naging mahalagang parte ng buhay ko at patuloy kong maalala dahil sa kometa. Paano nga ba sya naging konektado sa kometa?

2020, sa kalagitnaan ng covid nang makilala ko ang itinuturing ko nang pinaka unforgettable na ex sa kasaysayan ng pakikipagrelasyon ko. Alam nating lahat kung gaanong tumigil ang mundo ng taong iyon at kung paanong nastuck tayong lahat nang matagal sa mga kinalalagyan natin. Kung kaya naman gamit ang teknolohiya, sinubukan kong makipag ugnayan sa mga taong nasa malalayong lugar hindi lang para makahanap ng potential na partner kungdi para magkaroon na din ng kausap. Don't get me wrong, palagi naman ako updated dahil sa balita pero iba pa rin pag personal na karanasan ng mga tao mula sa malalayo ang masasagap mo. Maswete naman ako na frontliner ang nakamatch ko sa dating app at alam kong hindi ako mashoshort ng impormasyon mula sa first hand experience nya sa covid pandemic. Ang natatanging babaeng ito, mula sa napakaraming naka match ang siya lamang nag-iisa na nakausap ko ng matagal at walang dull moments. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero kapwa mataas ang energy namin sa isa't isa tuwing kami'y magkausap sa chat or kahit sa video call. Pero isa lang ang masasabi ko, natagpuan ko na ang hinahanap ko at handa akong maghintay na dumating ang panahon na pwede nang magtravel at para mapuntahan ko na sya. Pero ano nga ba kase ang koneksyon nya sa kometa?

Marami kaming mga napag-usapan na ang karamihan ay hindi na lang tungkol sa boring at nakakastress na sitwasyon ng pandemic. Sa part ko e yung mga hilig ko like history and science habang sa kanya naman e yung araw-araw nya na buhay nya as frontliner. She was born in 1998, masyadong bata para saken pero instead na magfocus kami sa age gap, pinaramdam ko sa kanya na hindi yun hadlang and as a matter of fact, kaya kong mag-adjust para sa kanya para lang masustain namin yung relationship namin. Nakakatawa kase nung una, akala ko e parte lang ng matamis na dila ko yung mga pinagsasabi ko until marealize ko later on na seryoso pala ako. Halimbawa na lang e yung one time na nashare ko sa kanya kung panu nya namiss ang napakaganda at nakaka amaze na hitsura ng Hale-Bopp comet nung 1997 na kako e kung medyo maaga pa sya pinanganak e baka may memory pa sya ng event na yun kahit paano. Anyway, idinescribe ko sa kanya, ikinuwento ko sa kanya ang lahat ng facts tungkol sa appearance ng Hale-Bopp at ano nga ba ang mga bagay-bagay sa likod ng paglabas ng mga kometa. Sa kasamaang palad, hindi na sya makakakita ng kometa na kasing tingkad ng Hale-Bopp pero sabi ko sa kanya, magpapakita muli ang Halley's sa 2061 at may chance na makita namin yun...together. Kumbaga, just to prove my point na pambihirang experience and makakita ng kometa, handa akong maghintay until 2061 para personal na ibida sa kanya yung nasaksihan ko nung 1997. Nakakabaliw kase sa sobrang random ng mga topic namin, eto yung isa sa mga random na pinaka tumatak samen at lalong tumatak saken. Bakit kamo? Kase paano ako nakakasigurado na kami nga ang magkakatuluyan at paano ako nakakasigurado na buhay pa ko sa 2061? Pwede mong sabihin na sobrang bored na namin nung 2020 na umabot na kami sa ganitong mga topic pero siguro kase talaga, we're meant for each other and nagkakasundo kami kahit sa mga weird na mga bagay. At least yun yung expectation ko nung mga panahon na yun.

Lumipas ang mga buwan hanggang umabot ang mahigit isang taon na patuloy yung komunikasyon namin. Hindi naging madali ang lahat. Ilang beses kaming sinubok ng kung anu-anong mga pangyayari pero nanatili kaming matatag at hindi kami natinag, tuloy pa rin yung koneksyon namin. Hanggang medyo lumuwag na ang sitwasyon ng pandemic at yun na ang hinihintay namin para makita ang isa't isa. Maniwala ka o sa hindi, yung pagkamangha ko sa ganda ng Hale-Bopp comet nung 1997 ay muling nanumbalik nang finally! Finally nakita ko na sya sa personal. Marahil yun na ang pinaka extraordinary na experience ko since 10 years old nang masaksihan ang pambihirang astronomical event at heto, nasa harap ko na ang babaeng 100x na mas majestic at hindi ko ipagpapalit sa kahit anong great astronomical event na i-offer saken ng universe. Magical and surreal ang first time na nagkita kami. Hindi ko madescribe sa words.

Pero sadyang mapaglaro ang tadhana. Tulad ng pagdaan ng Hale-Bopp hanggang sa tuluyang pag lampas nito sa Earth, ganun din ang nangyari samen. Kinailangan nyang umalis at mangibang bansa. Nung umpisa'y inakala kong kakayanin namin at maghihintay ako sa muling pagbabalik nya. Pero hindi na katulad ng dati na kinaya naming maghintay, last August 2023, tuluyan na kaming naghiwalay. Lubha akong naapektuhan kase halos ibinigay ko na yung buong buhay ko sa kanya. Lahat ng pangarap ko, sa kanya ko na pinaikot. Pero sa mga dahilang masasabi kong malaki din ang naging kasalanan ko, hindi ko rin sya masisisi kung bakit sya bumitaw. Ngayon ay wala na akong nilolook forward na makasama sa muling pagpapakita ng kometa sa mga susunod na dekada. Pero isa lang ang sigurado ako, pipilitin kong mabuhay hanggang sa nasabing yugto para lang mapatunayan na...naghintay pa rin ako sa kanya.

Halos 2400 years mula 1997 ang itatagal bago muling makita sa Earth ang Hale-Bopp samantalang 75 years naman ang sa Halley's mula nung 1986. Gusto kong isipin na sana Halley's na lang sya na makikita ko pa din sa mas madaling panahon sa kanyang pagbabalik. Pero it looks like na Hale-Bopp sya at hindi ko na muling masasaksihan. Masyadong malalim at hindi na maaayos ang naging dahilan ng paghihiwalay namin na nagpasya akong hayaan na lang sya sa peace na deserve nya. Ayoko nang maging panggulo sa kanya at tama na naging part sya ng kahapon ko na maihahalintulad ko sa napaka ligayang experience nang maencounter ko ang Hale-Bopp nung 90s. Kaya naman sa taong 2061, sa pagtingala ko sa kalawakan sa isa mga gabing yun, tiyak ako na sya ang maaalala ko. 

Hindi ko sinasabi na mananatili akong single hanggang sa panahon na yun. Tao lang din ako at madami pa kong pagkakataon na mameet ang talagang nakatadhana para saken. Pero isa lang ang sigurado ako, ang event na yun sa future, ang paglabas ng kometa ay para lamang sa kanya. Mag-isa kong tititigan at sasalubungin ng ngiti ang paglitaw ng animo'y matingkad na pahabang tala sa kalawakan at hihilingin na sana'y nakikita nya rin yun. At nawa'y maalala nya na minsan sa buhay nya, ay may nameet syang isang weird na tulad ko na nagmahal sa kanya ng totoo at walang katumbas. 

Hindi matatapos ang entry na to kung hindi ko babanggitin ang sobriety journey na patuloy kong tinatahak ngayon. Patuloy ang pagsusumikap kong maging healthy at umaasang madelay ko ang aging upang mabuhay pa ng mas mahaba. Minsan na nya saken sinabi na ingatan ko ang sarili ko para umabot pa ako sa pagbabalik ng Halleys sa edad na 74 habang sya ay 63. Napakasupportive nya sa pagbigay ng mga health related stuff saken na marahil ay sadyang love language nya para lang masecure na healthy ako palagi. Pero I let her down nang malululong ako nang tuluyan sa bisyo. Sinabi ko din sa kanya na kahit naka-wheelchair na ko, kahit naka dextrose na ko, basta hawak nya kamay ko, ieextend ko ang buhay ko kahit isang gabi pa para lamang masaksihan at maipagyabang ang kwentong sinimulan ko sa kanya nung 2020. 

Kung mababasa nya to, sana malaman nya na, its never a goodbye with her. She will always be in my heart and she will never be gone. I fully support her and I respect na she's happy now. I commit on not sending her any signs that I'm still here with my heart still beating for her but rest assure...I will go on with my life with the gift she gave me. The gift of life, a second chance in life. Never again that I will threat my own life just because I fail to someone or to something. She taught me that very well and I will keep that in mind and deep in my heart.

Nang minsang matulog ako sa gitna ng highway - Kwentong Kalasingan

 

December 2023, madaling araw na nun. Malakas ang ulan at halos hindi ko na maaninag ang daan habang ako'y nagdadrive. Walang masyadong tulog nang nakaraang gabi at eto't kargado ng litro-litrong red label at redhorse. Good! Death wish!. Hindi ko na alam nun kung makakauwi pa ba ako ng buhay. To make matters worst, wala na akong nakikitang liko, puro diretso na lang. Kako, oras na makakita ako ng maliit na liwanag na parang nasa dulo ng tunnel, tiyak na nasa kabilang buhay na ako. Bago pa tumakas ang natitirang katinuan sa utak ko ng mga oras na yun, nagpasya akong itabi na ang minamanehong motor at magpa-umaga na sa gilid ng kalsada.

Tumabi ako at bumaba sa motor. Wala nang lakas na natitira sa katawan ko at pabagsak akong umupo sa gilid ng highway. Sa kabila ng kalsada ay ang natatanging source ng liwanag sa area na yun mula sa poste. Wari'y nahipnotismo ako at tumitig sa liwanag na nagpatingkad sa malalaking patak ng ulan. Sa tagpong iyon, biglang nagflashback saken lahat ng dahilan kung bakit ba ako napunta sa ganitong sitwasyon at kung safe pa ba akong makakalabas dito. Hindi naging mabait saken ang taong 2023 at sinisi ko lahat ng pwede kong sisihin kung bakit ang dami kong pasanin nun. Basang basa ako at naghalo na ang tubig ulan at luha sa mukha ko. Luhang hindi ko na napansin na umaagos sa aking matabang pisngi.

Natulala ako ng ilan pang sandali mula sa pagkakatitig sa ilaw hanggang sa napagpasyahan kong tumayo mula sa kinauupuan.  Nalimutan ko na na nasa kalsada ako at anytime ay pwede ako mabundol ng rumaragasang sasakyan kung tangkain kong tumawid. Determinado akong marating ang poste at mas makita ang liwanag nito sa malapitan. Animo'y isa akong gamu-gamo na hayok na hayok sa liwanag at gagawin ang lahat malapitan lang ito kahit...maging mitsa pa ito ng kapahamakan ko. Bakit nga ba ako gutom na gutom sa liwanag?

Gamit ang natitira ko pang lakas, inihakbang ko ang aking mga paa. Napakabigat ng katawan ko na overweight at marahil ay composed of 80% percent alcohol (dinaig ko pa ang Green Cross). Sa dahan-dahan kong paghakbang ay ang walang tigil pa ring pag-agos ng luha ko. Nasa punto ako ng sinasabing lowest point ng buhay at wala akong makitang paliwanag o solusyon sa mga problema ko. Alak at tanging alak lang ang laging sumasama saken. Alak lang ang pumapawi ng lahat ng sakit na dinadamdam ko sa kaibuturan ng puso ko. Pero sa mga oras na yun, tila hindi ko na kaya at gusto ko nang sumabog. Pinaralisa na ng alak ang buo kong katawan pero ang puso ko'y patuloy pa ring dumudugo at wari'y nakikiusap na tapusin ko na ang lahat ng hapdi na yun...dahil hindi na nya kaya. Marahil, kung kaya't pilit kong inaabot ang liwanag sa poste ay dahil sa laksa-laksang katanungan sa isip ko na ibandona ko na at piniling kandaduhan ng alak tuwing sila'y sabay sabay na nagpupumiglas at nais kumawala. Although this time, sobrang taas na yata talaga ng tolerance ko at hindi na magshutdown ang utak ko na usually ay easy na nalulunod ng alak.

"Hindi ko na kaya..." mahinang sambit ko sa sarili.

Pumaimbulog sa kalawakan ang mahaba at matalim na guhit ng kidlat at sinundan ng dumadagundong na kulog. Galit na galit ang panahon at hindi na ko nagdalawang isip na sabayan ito. Buong lakas kong isinigaw ang mga hinanaing ko habang patuloy ako sa paghakbang. Paulit-ulit sa hindi ko na alam kung gaano katagal binato ko ng panaghoy, sigaw at hindi ko na maipaliwanag na tindi ng emosyon ang meron ako sa mga oras na yun ang inosenteng ilaw sa poste. Walang ibang tao sa bahaging iyon ng kalsada at malayo ang mga kabahayan. Tanging ako lang, ang street light at ang negatibong enerhiya mula sa aking paghihinagpis ang bumabalot sa buong lugar. Ilang sandali pa'y waring bumibilis ang pag-ikot ng paligid. Tumingin akong muli sa ilaw ng poste at animo'y gumagalaw na ito, paikot at umiikid na parang ipu-ipo.

"Holy shit. I'm so drank..." ang nasambit ko na lang sa sarili sa gitna ng pinakamalalang pagkalasing na dinanas ko sa buong buhay ko.

Unti-unti nang humihina ang ulan pero lalo pa ring umaakyat ang tama ko. Traydor ang red label na nuon lang sumirit ang tama. May ilang ilaw na akong nakikita at di ko alam kung hallucination na ba yun. Ang alam ko lang, malapit na ko matumba at mawalan ng malay. At hindi nga ako nagkamali, tuluyan na kong nabuwal. Hindi ko na nagawang lumakad pa pabalik sa gilid ng kalsada, sa ligtas na lugar. Wala na akong lakas. Dito na ko matutulog...goodnight. Kung magigising pa ba ako? Hindi ko na alam.

"Nunoy sino ka baga? Kaninong anak ka?" ang tinig na gumising saken ng umagang iyon.

Alas singko mahigit na at nagsisimula nang magliwanag. Goodmorning sa aking namimitig at namamanhid na braso mula sa pagkakapatong sa mesa na nadadaganan ng ulo ko, nakatulog ako sa ganung posisyon. Kung paano ako napunta sa kubong iyon, hindi ko rin alam. Tumulala ako ng ilang segundo sa napakagandang bukid na medyo nababalot ng hamog.

"Ulap! Asan na ako?! Fu**k, nasa kabilang buhay na yata ako." bulong ko sa sarili habang nalilito pa rin at parang binibiyak ang kaluluwa sa hang over.

Habang kinakamot ang ulo kong puro buhangin ay naalala kong tinatanong nga pala ako ng matandang babae. Nagpakilala ako kay nanay na sumaklolo saken. Sa probinsya, sabihin mo lang sa kanila ang apelyido at kung hindi pa yun sapat, sabihin mo kung anong bansag  sa angkan nyo at makikilala ka nila. Pero, hindi pa din nakakaproud na napulot nila akong wasted at wasak na wasak sa alak sa gitna ng kalsada. Alam kong makakarating ito sa nanay ko at hindi ako magiging masaya. Kinakabahan ako sa nanay ko pero mas kinakabahan ako sa tita ko. Kumbaga sa bagyo, yung tita ko yung bawi, mas malakas at mas malaki ang damage. Pero bakit ba ako nag-aalala sa pagsabon na gagawin saken ng mga matatanda ko? Heto't buhay ako at nagkaroon ulet ng isa pang tsansa.

"Ay nunoy maigi't nakita ka nung kotse at hindi ka nasagasaan. Nasa gitna ka ng kalsada natulog. Ay bakit baga naman at dun ka natulog? Hesus, Hesus Maryosep. Ikaw baga ay magpapakamatay na? Maigi pa yung motor mo at nakatabi. Grabe naman ang kalasingan mo nunoy ko." ang litanya ng matanda saken na instant nagkaroon ng lisensya na sermonan ako ng malamang kababata nya ang nanay at tita ko.

Ipinaliwanag ko naman sa kanya na hindi ko na talaga kinaya ang kalasingan at humingi ako ng dispensa at taos pusong nagpasalamat sa kanila lalo na sa driver ng kotse na hindi ako sinagasaan at inihingi ako ng tulong sa kanila para madala sa safe na lugar. Bagama't tumindig pa rin ang balahibo ko sa posibilidad na baka hindi ko na nasilayan ang magandang umagang iyon kung minalas at nagulungan ng sasakyan. Main road ang kalsadang napili kong gawing kama at sinuwerte akong malayo sa kurbada na dahilan para makita agad ako ng paparating na sasakyan. O sadyang hindi ko pa talaga oras?

Umuwi akong tangay ang hindi malilimutang karanasan na yun at araw-araw ko yung pinagbulay-bulayan maging pagbalik ko sa Manila. Malaking dahilan ang insidenteng yun para magpasya akong tumigil na sa pag-inom ng alak. Nabigo ako nun na tawirin ang kalsada upang malapitan ang liwanag sa poste sa hindi ko pa rin maipaliwanag na dahilan. Ngunit iyon pala'y simbolo ng kagustuhan ko din na maintindihan ang nangyayari saken at makatagpo ng liwanag na syang magpapahinto ng aking bisyo at mag-aalis saken sa kadiliman. Subalit sa proseso ng paghanap natin ng kasagutan, may tamang lugar, panahon at kondisyon ng pag-iisip ang dapat isaalang-alang. Sa tulong ng mga mahal sa buhay, natawid ko ang kalsada at nabagtas ang daan patungo sa liwanag. It so happened na hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay kaya mong mag-isa. Sa buong paglalakbay ko dito sa paghinto sa pag-inom ng alak, (na seryoso kong nilalabanan araw-araw), nandyan yung mga tao na bukas ang pusong sumuporta at umalalay. Kapag hindi mo na kaya at gusto mo nang gumive up, magtap-out ka pero bumangon ka at subukan mo ulet magsimula. Kung nanghihina na ang mga paa mo at pakiramdam mo'y hindi mo na kayang humakbang para sa pag-asa, alalahanin mong hindi ka nag-iisa, magpatulong ka, wag kang mahiya. Wag ka matutulog sa gitna ng kalsada, wag mong sirain ang buhay mo, wag mong tapusin ang buhay mo...masyado itong maganda, masyado itong precious para ibasura mo lang.