A younger friend approached me one day seeking advice on how to be romantic or sweet. I almost got choked by the coffee I was drinking and told him “Kid, you are barking on a wrong tree”. Let me take you back to 2011.
I was on board a bus right at the window that hot day of February 2011. It was 2 pm and scorching hot outside, you will almost melt. While looking at the snatcher being chased by the cop in Alabang, I couldn’t help but think of how crazy that day was just because I was in love. Like madly in love.
She was a slender, cute, Korean like beauty 19 y/o girl. We were both working students at one of those call center companies in Ortigas. I knew from the beginning that I was already attracted to her but I just couldn’t pull up any stunt to let her know. I was a shy guy, timid and full of insecurities whom always hesitate to approach a girl of her beauty. My fear of rejection was so extreme that a hint of having one makes me depressed. So I made sure that if ever I get a chance, I’ll seize it. And so chance it is when I learned that she broke up with her boyfriend.
Facebook was already a commodity back then (if its correct to say its ever been a commodity). I hit her up in FB with an intro that’s is mediocrely epic.
“Sorry to bother you but its been a while since we bumped each other in which I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself. I know its not important to you but I’m just wondering why a goddess have to disguise to blend in with us mortals?”
“I’m not a goddess but I was once someone’s dream who cut me off when I became his reality”. she replied.
I tried to act like I’m not aware of what she’s going through and that I’m willing to listen and I offer my chest for her to cry on. It so happened that I already know the details coz the gossip in call center is as contagious as covid19 so its just a matter of how well are you going to play it through. But I was really sincere and I did try to console her, make her smile and let her know that one heartbreak is just a start of several more if shes stubborn to learn from the past. I was able to capture her attention and the first meeting was not that bad, I thought it went great.
When we met in the office, she no longer see me as a stranger and she threw the most wonderful smile I’ve ever received from someone. I felt like I was in trance, its psychedelic. She could be my methamphetamine I thought to myself. Meanwhile, my buddies are into the real thing so mine is a little safer.
“Have you gone to smoke break yet?” I asked her.
“Not yet. I could use some company.” She replied. And so for the whole week, that was the routine. We’ll go on a smoke break together and she’ll talk about her ex, I will listen and assure her she’ll be ok blah, blah, blah. Deep inside though, its starting to hurt me. Why couldn’t she just turn her head for one second as I’ve been just standing next to her. I am more than capable to take care of her, make her feel awesome all the time. But I guess the smoke coming from our cigarettes was really that thick that she couldn’t see me. Am I going to be zoned?
Each time we go out for a smoke, I always give her lollipop. She loves lollipops. I see to it that I grab a chupachups at the nearby store before I come to work. I noticed I really couldn’t confess to her how much I liked her and how much I appreciate that she chose my company to be her personal diary. I know its awkward that I couldn’t even attempt to burst her bubble and lay my personal agenda after those days that gone by. I started to ask myself, was I really just concern about her trying to move on or its just my fear of rejection?
Morning of Feb 12, 2011 we just finished our shift (we’re on a nightshift). I was really exhausted as I’ve had to take a major exam in school before heading to work. I saw her at the lobby, about to go home. I asked her how shes doing. She said shes not well, she have had her exams too and all she wanted was to go home and rest. I was a little worry coz she looked really pale and she might faint and who knows what else awful stuff could happen to her. So I offered that I fetch her home. She declined firmly but I insist. Though at the back of my mind, I’m not feeling well too. What if bad stuff happen to me along the way while heading back home from her place? But mine is not important, I genuinely care about her condition. She later accepted my offer and we walked together through the bus stop. I felt like walking in the air. I saw my buddies along the way heading home too and they were all happy or high. I waved at them as if saying “my drug is better than yours.”
I guided her inside the bus like a gallant prince taking care of her princess. We sat at the back, she’s by the window. I was really vigilant about pickpockets so I cannot afford to fall asleep (though I don’t mind falling for her even more). The bus was already breaking land speed record but I was suddenly not able to break our silence. I was stunned by how beautiful she was with her hair dancing on the wind and with that sweet music playing in my mind. I am making a music video! Then suddenly I heard a loud bang and next thing I notice is a lump on the side of my forehead, I hit something hard when the stupid driver suddenly step on the break. It was really embarrassing she couldn’t stop laughing. Guess the incident is not too bad at all as I was finally able to break the ice.
“So how’s your study going?” I asked.
“I’m on a verge of giving up either school or work. I’m really tired.” She replied. I was not really comfortable with that answer coz if she choose work then what about me? Oh as if I have right? Who am I to her anyway?
“You know its your choice. Whatever that can make you feel better. I mean you said you don’t really need this job. I guess you can easily decide”. theres a crack in my voice when I said it coz its true that she doesn’t need to work, her family have means to support her studies. But its better that I start to accept the possibility that she might quit. It would be less painful.
“No. I’m not quitting. People at work are great. I’m gonna miss them all if I quit. And you have been so awesome so far…” she said.
That was a music to my ear. Me being awesome? Haven’t had that for ages and this one is really special. I was in cloud nine when the bus conductor approach us to give our ticket.
“Where to boss?” asked the guy.
“Two for Baclaran please.”she replied.
I was surprised to know that her home is that far as she mentioned at work one time that she just came from her place nearby.
“Sorry I thought you’re residing in Makati. So where in Baclaran exactly are you?” I asked.
“No. I’m from Las Piñas actually. I sometimes drop by at my ex’s place.” her response made me feel worry now about myself. But I wanted to believe that she was just fooling around so I asked again “I thought you’re studying in La Salle?”. “Yeah, La Salle Dasma” I almost fell from my seat.
Las Piñas is eternity away from Ortigas. With the traffic this crazy, it will take few hours to get there. I’m grateful on having to spend much time with her on this journey, but I’m worried that I might pass out somewhere due to sleep deprivation. I havent had sleep for 3 days straight due to school stuff and here I am probably asking for a funeral. But its ok, I’ll just help my adrenaline release some more hormones as this moment is too valuable for me. I was in that state when I suddenly felt something on my shoulder. She fell asleep with her head right at my shoulder. Her hair smells so good. All the second thoughts that I was having just completely vanished. This is heaven right here! I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you Zeus for entrusting your daughter to me at this very hour.
Each and every second that I spent with her on that trip was incomparable, surreal. My heart beats are so strong it might rupture my chest. Exaggeration aside, we finally reached her home. In the movie, the girl will invite the guy inside her house to maybe have some tea (I would trade my soul for coffee that time). I guess I’ve been watching too much Kdramas for having that said expectation which simply didn’t happen. She’s too tired that she just gracefully thanked me for getting her home safe and bid me goodbye. Well, its fine, its already scorching hot at that time of the day anyway, its not anymore romantic, better go home. I waved her good bye too and walk away to catch a jeepney.
Inside the jeepney, I was still in awe about what just happened. I promised myself that this beginning better not to be wasted. I will strive to push it to the next level. Few minutes later and my thoughts seem to be kinda distorted. Like what the hell I was doing at the side of the lake? I’m supposed to be in the jeepney! Screeech!!! It was too late. I got thrown away from the back of the jeepney all the way to the middle aged lady at the front. The crazy driver suddenly stopped without minding that some in love dude at the back is paying for his fantasy. (Why would he care anyway?)
The lady was in full rage. She couldn’t stop yelling as if she was extremely violated. She looked like one of them pokemon that says “wobbuffet!”. I apologized to her then hurriedly jumped out of the jeepney. Gotta catch them all!
I arrived at Alabang with a smell of both hope and embarrassment. Need to rush to Pasig while I’m still sane. I was extremely sleepy that time that I won’t mind anymore if pickpocket attacks, I just wanna be in peace. And so moments pass by and the bus conductor yelled like its his last. “Cubao na! Mga bababa ng Cubao!” Ok, I have to catch another long ride again. I didn’t hear him when we arrived at Shaw Boulevard where I supposed to get off but its ok, I had a very nice dream.
We’ve chatted all Saturday after that epic trip. She was laughing so hard that I’ve started to become suspicious that her joy was not just because of what happened the day before. Then on Sunday night, a day before the Valentines Day, all of my fantasies came to an end. She said her ex is reaching out to her again…and she will give him another chance.
♩ ♬ “Kung 'di rin tayo sa huli…
Aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli
…Kung 'di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?” ♪ ♫
Seriously, it was really painful. I couldn’t describe the feeling. Its like being hit simultaneously by a chain with thorns. I was standing at the bridge staring at the murky water of Floodway while tears run down my face. “When will all these punishments end!” I wanna shout that agony but I don’t wanna make a scene so I just kept it inside.
I reached a lollipop in my pocket and took out the small note stuffed inside its handle. All the lollipops I gave her had a note inside the handle saying how grateful I am that I met her, that shes so lovely, that she was so beautiful that day, all those sweet compliments and what not. This last lollipop though is supposed to say “I love you.”. But I guess I’ll just pass on this one. I will never find out if she will go out on a date with me.
After the last look at the chupachups, I’ve thrown it at the floodway. “It was quite a journey” I told myself.
“That’s it? You gave up just like that?” asked the kid. I almost forgot its already 2020. I got carried away by my story.
“Didn’t I tell you from the beginning that you’re barking on a wrong tree? You’re not listening attentively are you?” hes starting to annoy me.
“Did she find out about the notes inside the lollipops?” his follow up question.
“How would I know? She resigned and we never saw each other again.”
“There are lots of ways. You’re just weak”.
“Kid, its not weakness when you know when to give up.”
♩ ♬ “Kung 'di rin tayo sa huli…
Aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli
…Kung 'di rin tayo sa huli
Aawatin ba ang puso kong ibigin ka?” ♪ ♫
