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Alam ko na maraming sensitive sa mundong ito na kapag personal na ang assault sa kanya to the point na nadedegrade na sya, either magrereact sya ng exaggerated kumbaga or kikimkimin na lang nya at iipunin hanggang sa sumabog sya. Kabilang ako sa mga taong yun pero dahil aware ako na hindi yun positive na sign for being emotionally healthy, pilit ko syang kinokontrol by being more rational. Ang problema, lalabas at lalabas ang natural ng tao kahit gaano mo ito pigilin. So last night, isa sa mga co-worker ko ang dati pang walang habas kung magbitaw ng mga salita na totoong mean at masakit kung papakinggan. Ako naman bilang isang kilala na "kalog" at easy going, (dahil yun ang way ko para smooth lang ang pakikipagsocialize ko) ay madalas na magsuffer sa tinatawag na prejudice at humiliation. In short, napakadali lang para sa iba na ipaalam saken ang mga feedbacks o reaksyon nila saken, negative o positive. Naaappreciate ko yun dahil mas lalo ko nakilala ang sarili ko sa ganung paraan at nag-oopen din yun ng opportunity para makilala ko ang isang tao. Yun nga lang, kadugtong nito ang sari-saring offending, foul and below the belt na mga panghuhusga na inaabot ko sa kanila. To give an example, I'm commonly called as non-sense, OA, sabaw, baliw and stupid. Fine! Criticisms accepted. Pero last night, the co-worker that I'm talking about, went beyond the usual and laid down the judgement to me as if ako yung naka-default na dapat masisisi agad at mahusgahan agad when a certain problem or issue in a team arises.
As a response, I tried my best para diplomasyahin sya, makipag-usap ng mahinahon kahit at the bottom of my heart, nandun na yung sobrang pain at sabi ko sa sarili ko, "this is too much". Base on that situation, i was offended and I asked for apology. Although hindi ko ineexpect na mag-aapologize sya pero I felt na since ako yung naagrabyado, ok na lang naman siguro na makarecieve ako ng apology tulad ng normal na tao. I failed, di sya nag-apologize and i broke down and i felt really sorry for myself for the very first time in my life. Sabi ko, talagang mahihirapan nako ire-stablish ang sarili ko as someone na kahit paano ay nangangailangan din ng pag-unawa at respeto mula sa iba. So after a short conversation with our supervisor who tried to mediate our situation, I told him "I have no choice but to just forget and forgive this time. But the pain brought by the truth that im ridiculed, humiliated because of what I am will stay for a while inside me."
Going back to the concept of pride and humility na nabanggit ko sa simula, yun ay dalawang salita na mahirap maintindihan at maisakatuparan. Pero seryoso ako na maattain yan sa sarili ko at alam ko na kelangan ko makarecieve ng ganitong mga challenges bago ko maachieve yan. So una kong natuklasan na challenge is yung pagtanggap ng pagkakamali na sobrang hirap at bigat sa kalooban. Out of the situation na nabangit ko, tinangap ko yung pagkakamali ko at ngayon ay nagmo-move on ako despite the fact na puro pagmamataas pa rin ang nakikita ko sa taong yun. Anyway, iba-iba naman ang tao at merong mga hindi lang ipapakita sayo ang meaning ng pagpapakumbaba, ituturo pa nila yun sayo. Special mention to my friend Abs na nagcecelebrate ng birthday nya ngayon (Happy birthday brad!). Ang taong ito na nagshare saken ng kagandahan ng pagbaba ng pride ay hindi nagsettle sa pangangaral lang sa pamamagitan ng salita kundi ipinakita nya saken kung ano ang ibig nyang sabihin nang minsang nagkabangga kami. Habang ako ay kasingtigas ng adamantium na naninindigan na ako ang tama at ni hindi ko sya iaappoach nung nagka-away kami, sya naman ay kasing lambot ng marshmallow na ibinaba ang pride at nag-open ng way para magreconcile o magkaayos kami...despite na narealize ko later, ako talaga ang may kasalanan ng lahat.
Hindi ko hinahangad na maging dakila pero sasabihin ko sa lahat ng makakabasa ng post na to, walang kasing-rewarding ang mabuhay sa pagpapakumbaba. Yan ang natuklasan ko, isasabuhay ko at ibabahagi ko rin sa iba.
Josemaría Escrivá’s 17 Signs of a lack of humility:
- Thinking that what you do or say is better than what others do or say
- Always wanting to get your own way
- Arguing when you are not right or – when you are – insisting stubbornly or with bad manners
- Giving your opinion without being asked for it, when charity does not demand you to do so
- Despising the point of view of others
- Not being aware that all the gifts and qualities you have are on loan
- Not acknowledging that you are unworthy of all honor or esteem, even the ground you are treading on or the things you own
- Mentioning yourself as an example in conversation
- Speaking badly about yourself, so that they may form a good opinion of you, or contradict you
- Making excuses when rebuked
- Hiding some humiliating faults from your director, so that he may not lose the good opinion he has of you
- Hearing praise with satisfaction, or being glad that others have spoken well of you
- Being hurt that others are held in greater esteem than you
- Refusing to carry out menial tasks
- Seeking or wanting to be singled out
- Letting drop words of self-praise in conversation, or words that might show your honesty, your wit or skill, your professional prestige…
- Being ashamed of not having certain possessions…
