When to jump to “a pool of both delight and misery”?

Eve: How’s your first day of school?

Reyner: Oh it was fine.

Eve: Have you met a beautiful girl that you can maybe end up having a relationship with?

Reyner: I don’t think so.

Eve: Why?

Reyner: Coz I’m not into it…not yet.

That was a small conversation between me and Eve. She’s one of those people I can talk with all day (if she’s not on a call and as long as there’s lync.).

Eve was so aware of my situation that she’s so eager to find my pair if she only get a chance. But I told her that I’m fine and I’m not looking for one and I don’t even need one. I’m pretty much contented right now of my status.. “Single from head to toe…(rock and roll!)”. It’s been a while since I had a relationship and I can barely remember how it feels like to be in it. All I know right now is the pleasure that I’m getting from having no strings attached to mine. Yes I sometimes feel so alone, I even get too emotional at worst melancholic when the past rudely enters on my mind. But hey that’s not on a regular basis. I actually  feel so grateful that I can do a lot of things I want with all that freedom in my hand.

Sure, the idea of going into a relationship again is something indispensable. I cannot live these long years without even having a bit of romance. Now why prolong the “singularity” (what a word) having realize that? Now I say of course, we have things to consider first especially if we’ve gone through a bitter past and those considerations are what I'm after for before I jump in again to what I call “a pool of both delight and misery'”.  Let me cite some of those considerations that I’m talking about:

1. Consider being 100% moved on. Not 99%, not 101% just no more, no less than a hundred percent. We know its tough to get over things that already marked to our memories especially those that gave so much meaning to our lives. But hey, even how slow would it gets, even how long it is to heal the wounds, you will surely reach the point where you will feel that attachment has already gone away. This is to avoid comparing and at worst re-enacting most of the things from your past that are supposed to be thrown away. Another benefit of this is you can have a brand new start without worrying that same thing would happen again. I do believe that circumstances shouldn’t be necessarily the same from each other, they should be unique and has its own story. Surely, you can create a great story once you’re totally moved on.

2. Secure sufficient love for yourself. How will you share love if what you have for yourself is not even enough? Love should start from loving yourself first (thanks to Vive for being tireless of reminding me that). Fools say that true love is giving it all without minding of losing everything. I bet you have been a fool once and you would never want to be a fool again. We know great love stories such as those that we are seeing in movies and telenovelas but this a real world my friend. We don’t buy and mimic things that are just product of someone’s imagination, we have our own. And if we actually stumbled to an experience in the past that we let ourselves to be a slave of what they call “stupid love”, are you gonna stick to that and let that happen again? Of course you don’t. So the best thing to do is look back to where you are on that awful past, be an engineer of your own change, change for the better and love yourself more. While you are single, take time to give yourself full attention and know yourself more. It’s not selfish to be so in love to yourself when no one’s actually need your love yet. So when one day and you saw someone right across the street and you feel that feeling again, you surely know what to give out and what to keep.

3. Don’t expect too much. Focus on timing. Lots of people use to say this but only few can make sense of giving its meaning. But to tell you honestly, I’ve never spoke about this thing until I proven that it is indeed worthy to consider. When we get to a relationship, we almost think that the world is so perfect and even the universe revolves around us. We sometimes think that we’re on a fairy tale with a happy ending. Then after a while, when things are starting to be a nightmare, we will realize that we aimed for everything but ended up for nothing. Lots of things can affect a relationship. Expectations shouldn’t be just about the person you ended up to have a relationship with. I see timing is the most important thing that we should observe in this kind of matter. Is it the right time to open the book and wander through its pages or should we keep it unopened and undisturbed till its content is ready to be explored? I know we tend to be aggressive sometimes that we allow ourselves to face the risk and danger in the wilderness of love (did I just say that? Oh god im getting poetic here. ) in exchange for what we believe is absolute happiness that we might get out of it. We are barely aware that we are just over expecting everything because we’re blinded by our fantasies. In love, let it move however mysterious it takes (Ok, I just rephrased a song). In this way, we can avoid thinking too much, assuming too much and expecting too much…(and loving too much coz we might get killed? Oh that’s another song again but hey its true. Right?) If we caught on a bad timing, should we expect things to click the way we want them to be? No, but we can work it out. Good Timing is a friend of Patience. Even how slow good timing may come, if you can hold on till it finally arrive, you will reap its sweetness. From there you can start expecting…still…not too much please.

I still have few things in mind that I think would help us in preparing ourselves before jumping to the “pool of both delight and misery”. But I believe those that I mentioned are the fundamentals as far as getting into a new relationship is concern. at the end of the day, its still an individual preferences that will rise over whatever thought that may need to be considered first. Its still a freewill that will be followed that everyone has inside of them. But always remember, love is so powerful that you can be its victim, you can be it’s slave. You maybe rational and strong person but remember that many of your kind have fallen and already victimized by love. However, you will not be a whole person if you didn’t have even a bit of failure from this so called love. But if you must recover, recover big time. Learn from mistakes. It’s not wise to be a victim of love especially for the second or maybe at third time around.

(Hmmm…I just got so hungry…for love? Not yet. For food? YES! )

Lovesong

1 pm. Kagagaling ko lang sa school at kakatapos ko lang mag-enroll for my the 3rd sem of my MA course. Bago ko buksan ang pc ko ay napansin ko ang flash drive ko na hindi ko nagagamit mula pa nung end of the class nang nakaraang sem. Wala sa loob kong isinaksak ito sa pc at binisita ang mga files doon. Nakita ko ang mga shortcut ng mga folders na kung saan ay nakalagay ang mga pictures nya at pictures namin. Naalala kong binura ko na ang mga yun sa laptop ko pero for some reason ay natira pa rin ang mga shortcuts. Napabaliktanaw tuloy ako sa past namin. Halos di ko napansin ang isa sa pinakamalalim na buntong hininga na nagawa ko mula nung maghiwalay kami. Itinuloy ko ang pagcheck ng files hanggang sa makita ko ang “Lovesong” na kanta ni Adele, pinatugtog ko yun. Napakaganda ng sound quality ng kanta, crystal clear at talaga namang very senti ang lyric. Tuloy pa rin ako sa pagbrowse habang nagpe-play ang kanta. Nakita ko ang letter na sinulat ko na balak ko sanang ibigay sa kanya ilang araw bago nya tapusin ang lahat samin. Nasa letter na yun ang matinding paghingi ko ng tawad sa nagawa kong kasalanan sa kanya at kung gaano ako kainteresado na i-submit ang sarili ko sa kanya, sundin ang mga gusto nya at mangako na hinding-hindi ko na hahayaang maranasan nya ulet ang mga pangit na dinanas nya saken. Nalala ko pa kung gaano ako kaemosyonal nung mga sandaling yun na ginagawa ko ang nasabing sulat. Sobrang sakit tanggapin na ang taong nagbigay ng kahulugan sa buhay mo ay hindi mo na makakasama sa mga susunod pang mga araw. Isinulat kamay ko ang sulat na yun at balak kong iwan sa locker nya nang umagang yun pero hindi ko na yun ginawa nung sandaling makita kong kasama nya ang lalaking bago nyang “ka-date”.

Huminto ako saglit sa pagbalik tanaw sa parteng yun ng aming paghihiwalay na tinuturing kong isa sa pinakamahabang parusa na dinanas ko sa buhay. (Tuloy pa rin sa pag-play ang “Lovesong” ni Adele.) Balak ko nang magpahinga, matulog at baka sa panaginip ay may magandang bagay pa akong masumpungan. Nang ieexit ko na ang folder ay napansin ko ang photo icons sa loob ng isang sub-folder at nang binuksan ko ang file na yun ay halos hindi ko na mailarawan ang tindi ng emosyon na bumalot sa buong pagkatao ko sa mga sandaling yun. Hindi ko nabura ang tatlo sa pinakamemorable na pics namin. Kuha yun sa lugar kung saan paborito naming magbreakfast. Ang lugar na yun kung saan madaming masasaya (kilig moments), malulungkot at crazy things na nangyari between us. Halos doon nagsimula at nabuo ang relasyon namin. Sa lugar na yun ilang beses kaming nagkabati mula sa mga matitinding away at saksi ang lugar na yun sa hindi na namin naitangging damdamin para sa isa’t isa… Ilang minuto akong natigilan…nakatitig lang sa monitor. Ilang sandali pa ay namalayan kong umaagos na ang luha sa pisngi ko…ilang sandali pa ay humahagulgol na ko.

Halos limang buwan na simula nung kami’y maghiwalay. Pero ang sakit na idinulot nun sakin ay hindi pa rin nawawala. Parang kinukurot pa rin ang puso ko tuwing maaalala ko ang mga masasayang sandali na kasama ko sya. Hindi ako iyakin pero hindi ko ikinahihiyang sabihin na maraming beses akong naluha dahil sa tindi ng emosyon ko dulot ng paghihiwalay namin. Maaari ngang hindi nya alam at wala syang ideya kung ano ang pinagdaanan at pinagdadaanan ko pa rin dahil sa nangyari samin. Ganito talaga siguro pag mahal mo ang isang tao pero wala ka nang magawa kundi i-let go sya dahil naniniwala ka na dun sya mas masaya.

Habang sinusulat ko to ay patuloy pa rin ang pagtugtog ng napakalungkot na kantang nabanggit ko. Sobrang late na pero gising pa rin ako. Mukhang hindi na nga yata ako makakatulog. Walang ibang laman ang isip ko sa mga sandaling ito kundi sya lang. Alam kong masaya at kuntento na sya ngayon. Wala na akong balak na gambalain pa sya. Ni hindi na ako nag-iintensyon na mapansin man lang nya. Pero kung nalalaman lang sana nya kung gaano ako nahihirapan sa araw-araw na nakikita ko sya at bumabalik saken lahat ng ala-ala. Kung nalalaman lang sana nya kung gaano kahirap dalhin sa loob ang katotohanan na sya lang ang mahal ko…mahal na mahal ko.

Kung isang araw magigising ako na hindi na sya ang laman ng isip ko, masaya na kaya ako sa pagkakataong yun? Maaaring ang sagot ko ay “oo”. Pero nakasisigurado ako na darating ang araw na yun na ako ay nag-iisa pa rin…alone. Bakit? Dahil sya pa rin ang laman ng puso ko at kahit kailan…mananatili sya dito.

How ever far away, I will always love you. How ever long I stay, I will always love you. Whatever words I say, I will always love you…I will always love you…