My man boobs are gone but why? And strange dreams about a "girl"?.

 

To answer quickly, obviously I've been working out and have embraced this active lifestyle that I initiated since I started my alcohol sobriety journey. But unknown to most males, man boobs can even be avoided without exercise if...they avoid alcohol. Alcohol and other substances that deprive testosterone will surely bear to feminine like physique. Let's expound that a little deeper.

Testosterone is a hormone that is being secreted to males in large portion than females. What it does is to boost male characteristics along with other sexual function. There are a lot of ways to boost testosterone naturally which I can tackle in future posts but this one is solely about avoiding vices like alcohol mainly. Why alcohol is a major culprit of testosterone decline to men? Simply because alcohol converts testosterone to estrogen pretty fast and if abused will absolutely boost the speed of this conversion hence the sprout of that female-like boobs that is far from desirable especially in the eyes of the opposite sex. If you've seen the movie "Longest Yard", you may already have an idea how estrogen converts a male to female-like persona. Estrogen as the main female sex hormone while also present in male shouldn't be produced in large portion. But idiots who won't stop abusing alcohol (like me before) decide to trade this undesirable look over the dopamine that alcohol gives them. While drinking may look manly, it's not a sign of strength especially if its already an addiction as aside from the fact that it serves as an escape to most, it also affects the hormone that supposed to help a man become stronger mentally and physically. Some may argue that not all alcoholic drinks have that massive effect to testosterone as beer according to study is the one that can affect the most but in general alcohol is still a bad habit that needs to be kicked out of our life. Now if you're a beer addict like me in the past, maybe start thinking about wearing a bra.

As I've mentioned in my previous post, I've been studying and researching about health and wellness aside from consistently grinding into the gym to not only be aesthetically better but to cure my mental health issues. I couldn't stress enough the benefits I've been getting from this healthy lifestyle that I'm dreaming of becoming a mentor one day to those who like me also wandered off in the wrong direction. Now speaking of dreaming, I've been hitting the right amount of sleep lately and I couldn't be more proud to say that the last piece of the puzzle on how to optimize muscle gain is now associated in my life. Thanks to different materials I came across on how to improve sleep coz they work wonders. My muscle recovery from these epic sleeps is unbelievable and my physique improved and probably reached its most beautiful form in ages. One thing though that puzzles me is why do I keep dreaming about this girl few nights in a row now and I wonder what these dreams mean.

She's by the river, watching her steps through the rocks while she walks as she gazed through the gushing water. I was not too far from her, watching her with her every step and making sure she won't slip onto something or be caught by the raging water. The latter is simply an exaggeration but that's how protective I am. While she's doing her sweet thing and having her moment, I was at the corner beginning to see her as a goddess who appeared suddenly to remind me how lucky I am to be with her. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever come across with and the greatest love I've ever had. 

Clearly, what I have just said wasn't my actual dream but simply a memory of a lost love. Seriously though, what made me write about her is because she indeed appear on one of my dreams and we were really happy together as if we never broken up at all. Since that night of her presence in my dream, I always go to bed with a single wish that I see her again, that I get to be with her again. Unfortunately, she still yet to appear so the rest of the "dreams" I mentioned earlier was just kinda clickbait as I only saw her there once so far. I do daydream about her for sure if that counts as a dream too. One of the motivations I have when going to bed is to see her again. That's the only place that we can be together again. It only started as a little wish, now its already habit. Close my eyes, think about her then fall asleep. Wake up without the trace of her appearance to my dreams but that's fine, move on. Aside from techniques I learned from materials I read about how to get good sleep, I incorporated this habit of thinking about her which may or may not be beneficial to me in a long run.

I vowed not to disrupt her anymore and let her enjoy her life. Even the strong urge that comes up to me time to time to shoot her a message to thank her, give some gratitude as I wouldn't be in this better situation if not because of her, I don't dare to do. I've shut down my socmeds for a long time at the height of my desire to check her out and I still do the same whenever I have this urge to even have a glimpse of her. I've been winning that battle and it really helps me out to cope on that lost that I've already shed so much tears with. I remember early this year when we had our last phone call that I was so drunk (I tricked her to talk to me saying I'm sober when I'm not) I cried so hard like a woman and my emotions are pouring down like that water from the river. I looked back to that moment and realized how effed up I already was with probably nothing but estrogen remaining in my system as beer and stress already turned even the last bit of my testosterone to that female hormone which made me so effing emotional. Probably those drunk men who cry out so hard have the same thing going in their biology and that's exactly what I went through. Anyway, I promised her right on that conversation that I'll strive to be better and try to win her back. But my alcoholism was already extreme that after that peaceful goodbye, I ruined everything by sending her hate messages and pure expression of vengeance and darkness. That was actually the turning point on why I chose to be clean and strive to still fulfill the promise I made to her despite the mess I did. I remember she told me that I should do it for myself and neither for anyone nor for her and that's exactly what I'm doing. If you've reached this part of my writing I know you're thinking that I'm torn between trying to get her attention again or just stay still and do nothing and I completely agree with you. Have you lost someone so significant due to your mess and hope that you'll be forgiven and be given a chance again? Trust me, that question started to rise up again in my mind and even though my clarity is already at its fullness nowadays, there are still times that I find myself pondering about that thoughts...unconsciously.

Recognizing the impact of this dilemma on my day to day life, I choose to now be a little bit open about it in my journal. I might write about it few more times until time finally do its course. I also love the idea of revisiting these articles after decades. This humble site of mine that I've been with for half my life has been the witness on different struggles I had and still having and so far, writing here contributes to a large chunk of my recovery. I don't wanna go back to my old habits again and I feel like if I dwell so much on this thoughts, I might lose the battle. So I will hold firmly to my belief that I should not do anything but to stay focus on continuing what I've started. She mentioned one time that good memories should be kept and those are probably the reasons why she still lingers to my mind. No more hate, no more darkness, just pure light and remnants of happy times. Tonight, I shall go to sleep and hope she's there in dreamland again...a place where she's safe and have nothing but joy and love that she and I once shared.

Paano binago ng alak ang katawan ko at paano ako bumabawi? #alcohol_free_month_7

"Man boobs! Pare may suso ka na. Congrats!"

 Yan ang mga katagang naririnig ko sa likod ng isip ko habang nakatingin ako sa salamin nung ika-24 ng Marso ng taong ito. 3 months straight na non-stop na ko umiinom nun. Hindi alam ng pamilya ko na malala na ang mental health problem ko at lalong hindi alam ng mga kaibigan ko ang pinagdadaanan ko. Katulad mo o katulad ng karamihan, nagdaan ako sa pinakamalalang break-up sa kasaysayan ng buhay ko na pinanawan na ko ng pag-asang mabuhay. Literal na gusto ko nang mamatay nun at everytime na nagigising ako mula sa malalang pagkalasing, galit sa mundo at hindi maipaliwanag na negatibong enerhiya ang sya lamang namamayani sa kalooban ko. "Ayoko na magising! Ayoko nang humarap sa mundo!" Hanggang isang gabi nang sa unang pagkakataon ay nailabas ko sa kapatid ko lahat ng itinatago ko sa kaloob-looban ng puso ko, nagdesisyon akong baguhin ang direksyon ng buhay ko. Ang dapat na pamamaalam sa balak kong pagse-suicide nang gabing yun ay napalitan ng muling pagbangon sa pagkakasalampak ko sa darkest moment na yun ng buhay ko. Literal na isinalba ako ng kapatid ko at heto ang iba pang parte ng kwento.

Mahirap ang naging withdrawal process ko. Isinulat ko ang mga dinanas ko sa mga previous blog ko at disaster talaga. Yung tinatawag na delirium tremens o malalang alcohol withdrawal effects ang pinakachallenging na pinagdaanan ko. Pumasok ulet sa isip ko ang pagpapatiwakal sa period na yun kaya nanghingi ako sa kapatid ko ng extra guidance na imonitor ako pala-palagi. Kaya naman halos oras-oras nya akong kinokontak nung first to second week ng withdrawal ko para i-check kung ok pa ba ako. Sa kagandahang palad, nalampasan ko yung stage na yun at dun na ako nag-start na mag-gain ng lakas para sa mga susunod pang mga araw. Dun ko narealize na mahabang proseso ito at nagsisimula pa lang ako. 

Sari-saring physical activities ang ginawa ko. Naaksidente pa ako sa bisikleta at one point kaya mas madalas tumatakbo ako. Pag sobrang sakit ng mga paa at legs ko, nagseswitch ako sa paglakad ng malayo. Ang itsura ko nun kung makikita mo sa pic, may man boobs ako at parang gelatin ang tiyan ko na napakalaki. Namamaga din ang mukha ko sa pagkamanas at in total, larawan talaga ako ng basura na nagpabaya sa katawan dahil sa alak at poor diet. Pero hindi ako nagdwell sa self pity o extreme na pagkaawa sa sarili bagkus ginamit ko yun na motivation para magbago.

Isa o dalawang buwan nang mapansin ko yung mga improvement sa physique ko. Feeling ko wagi na ko at dahil may pagka-jollibee ako, nagyabang agad ako sa social media. May umaprub at nagpahayag ng suporta, meron ding nangbash. Dun ko narealize kung gaano pa ko ka-vulnerable at ang stress na idinulot saken ng mga basher ay halos nagpabalik saken sa bisyong ilang buwan ko nang naiwasan. So nilimitahan ko ang pakikipag-interact online at nagfocus sa sarili ko. Tsaka ano ba naman pakelam saken ng ibang tao? Nabubuhay ba ko according sa expectations nila? F**k them! Sa point na yun, nakakuha na naman ako ng bagong fuel na nagpupush saken para magsumikap pa lalo na gawing better ang sarili ko.

Bukod sa exercise, nagdiet na din ako. Kung dati extreme na hindi ako kumakain dahil minamadali ko yung resulta, nagswitch ako sa less carbs. Kamote, itlog, saging na saba at less rice ang madalas kong kinakain. Hindi rin ako nawawalan ng hilaw na sibuyas para tumulong sa metabolism. Hindi na ko nakikipag-interact sa social media at may times na nagdedeactivate ako para maiwasan ang distraction. I was just minding my own business at inadapt ko ang "win each day" mantra na kung saan, pag nalagpasan ko ang araw na hindi ako nakainom ng alak at nagawa ko ang exercise routine at diet ko, panalo na ako. Things become much and much better saken hindi lang sa pisikal kundi maging sa mental health ko.

July nang mapagdesisyunan ko na i-adopt ang intermittent fasting. 16 hrs na walang calories intake. Natuto ako magkape ng walang asukal at mas lalo pa ko uminom ng madaming tubig. Dahil madami na kong oras mula nang mag-stop ako sa socmed, ginugol ko yun sa pag-aaral. Nagbabasa ako, nanunuod ako ng mga lectures about wellness and health. Ginawa kong scientific ang approach ko at hindi lang puro kung ano yung feeling ko. Hindi rin nawala syempre yung philosophy at principles na akma sa results na gusto ko. Dinadahan-dahan ko ang lahat at buong tyaga kong hinihimay yung mga methods. Marami akong natuklasan sa sarili ko katulad ng kahinaan ko sa emotional na aspeto at kung gaano ako kabilis na tumitiklop sa mga bagay na nakakatrigger saken. Ambilis ko mafrustrate at everytime na down ako, dun pumapasok yung desire ko na uminom ulet ng alak. Natuklasan ko na kaya pala ako naadik sa alak ay dahil mahina akong nilalang. Nilulunod ko sarili ko sa alcohol para makaiwas sa mga mental at emotional issues ko imbes na harapin. Kaya hinarap ko yung mga issues na yun at tuwing umaga, naglalaan ako ng oras para mag-meditate. Hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay hangga't hindi ko na-sosolid yung mindset na kakailanganin ko para sa araw na yun. "Win each day!" at everytime na namemaintain ko yung pagiging kalmado at composed sa pagharap sa  mga triggers, panalo na ako sa araw na yun. 

July din nang naging sunod-sunod ang pagbuhos ng ulan. Natuklasan ko na ang pagtakbo na syang bread and butter ko sa transformation na inaasam ko ang syang pinakaepektibo pero hindi ko magawa dahil sa panahon. Sinubukan kong iintensify ang chalistenics o yung mga workout sa bahay lang pero hindi ko makuha yung endorphin o boost na ibinigay saken ng running. Nagsimula na naman akong bumalik sa mga habits ko tulad ng gaming at panunuod ng series (pati porn) na nagpa-couch potato saken nang malala. Nag-umpisa na namang magform yung mga negativities ko at sa isang iglap ay nararamdaman ko yung nalalapit na failure ko sa mga ginagawa ko. Sa pagiging sedentary ko, bumababa yung testosterone ko na sanhi ng pagiging bugnutin ko na naman at pagiging stressed. Nang bumuti yung panahon, napagpasyahan kong maglakad. Nabreak ko yung record ko sa pinakamalayong nalakad nung araw na yun. Napagpasyahan kong i-treat ang sarili ko dahil birthday ko naman. Pero nang akmang uupo na ko sa coffee shop para umorder ng kape at red velvet cake, natanaw ko ang mga kabataan papunta sa gym na natatanaw ko lang sa kinaroronan ko. Tumayo ako sa kinauupuan ko at sinundan sila. Ilang minuto pa at nakaregister na ko sa gym. Weight lifting ang kailangan ko para i-boost ang testosterone ko at hindi yang cake na yan. Kahit birthday ko, ipinagpalit ko ang cake sa barbels at dumbels nung araw na yun. Umuwi akong masakit ang katawan pero nag-uumapaw ang endorphine at parang nagbabounce-bounce pa ang dopamine at serotonin ko sa biglang boost. Yun ang simula ng gym habits ko.

Simula nung July, naging hybrid athlete ako. Sadyang hindi ko kayang iwan ang cardio kaya tumatakbo pa din ako pag maganda ang panahon. I've never felt so strong in my whole life until these times. Para akong bumalik sa edad na 27 na kung saan huli akong naging active at buffed. Lumabas na naman ang mga injuries dahil sa pagka-aggressive ko sa workout so medyo kinalmahan ko lang ang emosyon ko kase sadyang emotional talaga ako sa kahit saan mapa-positive o negative na dahilan. Nakuha ko yung rhtym ko at tuloy tuloy ang pag-aaral na ginagawa ko kasabay ng pag-execute ng mga pinag-aaralan ko. Sound body is sound mind at more than enough ang patotoo ko dyan. 

Sa ngayon, winowork out ko nang husto ang consistency. Walang kwenta na lumalakas ako at nagagawa ko yung workout routines ko kung vulnerable pa din ako sa temptations of all kinds. As I gain physical improvements, I also gain attention from opposite sex pero I can't afford to be distracted. I would take their compliments but thats it then I'll move on. Physical, mental and emotional strengths and goal kong maabot ngayon. Malayo pa pero malayo na. Goal kong maabot ang optimum potentials ko until the 365 days na sinet kong period na sobriety. I want to make changes so I can help others din to reach theirs. 

Let's not pour doubts and discouragement sa mga taong nais magbago. Suportahan natin sila at wag natin silang i-down. Ang pinaka enemy ng taong nais ng changes sa buhay nya ay ang kahinaan nya sa mga nasasabi ng iba. Sa era at society ngayon na malaking bagay yung approval at validation mula sa iba, ang pinaka maitutulong natin ay i-boost ang confidence ng isang tao, hindi ang i-bash sya. Dun lang tayo sa reyalidad. I-admit natin na nasa soft era tayo na words hurt so much now than before, therefore, be careful sa mga binibitawan nating salita. Sa mga katulad ko naman na goal pa din i-strengthen yung thick skin nila sa mga criticsms para maabot yung goals, mag-iimprove at nag-iimprove tayo everyday. Shutdown whatever needs to be shutdown kung nakakasagabal saten. Pwera syempre yung mga nagmamahal saten. Wag natin gayahin si Rendon. We want to be a beast but not his type of beast. O siya hanggang dito na lang at baka kung saan pa mapunta. Stay postive at laban lang ng laban! Win each day!